on Jul 16, 2009 @ 01:03 pm|
This might be a long post…but I guess I should give some history first.
I have been with my husband (married for 7 months) for 4 years now. He wasn’t very happy when I told him I was waiting until marriage for sex and originally tried to pressure me into it saying he’d dump me after 3 months if I haven’t given it up by then. Well, I didn’t, but he stayed with me…
I know he watched porn and he didn’t try to hide it. I told him I disagreed with pornography and that I believed it to be degrading to both men and women. He agreed, but said since he wasn’t getting it from me; he needed something, but that he did believe it didn’t belong in a marriage. He said he would try to stop and since we didn’t live together I couldn’t really see if he was watching it or not. But he did agree that it didn’t belong in a marriage and the further our relationship progressed, he began to agree with me about pornography.
We had a couple hiccups in our relationship, mainly that 2 weeks in, he messed up with his ex-girlfriend, said they went from talking about me and her new guy to making out and him getting a BJ. But he said he stopped it before he came and told her to leave. So we worked through that and I forgave him because I was in college 5 hours away and he was so distraught over it that I was sure he was truly sorry about what happened. He also claims that a cheater is the worst thing in the world to him because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him a couple times.
A little tidbit here: My husband has a foot fetish too.
So anyway, time goes on and he starts talking to this girl online that he had sex with once, I didn’t know anything about this but while at his house one day, I wanted to look at a picture he took of me and he refused to let me see his phone, I finally got it from him and saw that right next to the picture of me, there’s a picture of some girl’s feet that are definitely not mine. So I confronted him about it and he said that it’s a girl that he was talking to online and she sent him a message via phone with that picture and he “accidentally” saved it. He apologized and said that he should have just deleted the message, but he hasn’t seen this girl in years and he just started talking to her again.
Well, out to lunch with his mother one day I find out this isn’t true. This is about a week later and he slipped up that where we were eating he had been to last month with his friend Sarah. When I asked him if this was the same Sarah, he said yes and so I said he told me he hadn’t seen her in years and that he hadn’t talked to her and he told me that he didn’t say anything because it slipped his mind and then he didn’t want to tell me because I’d get mad.
Next, he shows up at my house at 1 in the morning, wakes me up and says he needs to talk to me. He says he screwed up and that he was lonely and met up with Sarah. He didn’t think it would be a problem and he didn’t want to bother me because I would be asleep. So he went to her house and they were talking and she started flirting and he started flirting back and he says they didn’t kiss or anything, but that he cuddled with her a little bit and then saw what he was doing and took off. I made him promise me that he would stop talking to her and would never see her again and he did and apologized.
Well, then he started IMing her again and he met up with her again and then he apologized again and then he did it once more all over again. He said he thought she understood that they could ONLY be friends and nothing more and thought that she had changed…twice.
So we got through this too—this was about 2 years into our relationship--and we got married. As far as I could tell, he hadn’t screwed up at all in a year and a half and so I thought he was done and had learned. Two months into our marriage I came home to find him giving a foot massage to my best friend (says her feet were hurting and he just up and offered) and I found text messages on his phone between him and his ex-girlfriend and him and another woman that he’d never met nor that I knew (later found out it was his co-worker’s ex-girlfriend) that were extremely inappropriate. Mainly, again, they concerned his foot fetish. His ex knew about it and was sending him pictures of her feet in socks, stockings and so on and this other girl was also sending pictures of her feet at his insistence.
Some of his text messages were definitely inappropriate, in one he asked her to send him a voice message of her socks and things she’d do with them. In one, his ex sent him a video of her and her feet. He would ask them for pictures—and never ask me—and if he hadn’t gotten one in a while, he’d send them a message asking why. There was also some major flirting going on between him and his ex, whom were meeting up sometimes (without me usually), and whenever I did go I felt like the third wheel instead of the wife.
So I confronted him again, broke down crying and asking him what I had done wrong. He apologized again and said he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt me. He thought it was just some innocent flirting, but that it got out of control and he promised that he never cheated on me, but I consider this cheating…its certainly emotional cheating at the least. He also admitted that giving my best friend foot massages was definitely inappropriate and that he wouldn’t do it anymore (and she says he hasn’t either) and he promised to stop talking to both of these women and to never meet up with his ex ever again.
Two days later, I see he’s talking to his ex again. When I asked, he said that he figured that they could still talk as long as they didn’t meet up and he stuck to harmless topics (how’s the weather, how’s work, how’s life and so on). I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t want to fight again and so I told him I was uncomfortable with it, but as long as he didn’t start flirting again.
About two months later, he slips up again and told me that when he went to the mall one day, it wasn’t just to return these jeans; he also went there to meet his ex because he wanted to hang out and she had off. This is four months in…I was mad and hurt and I told him that he promised me he’d never talk to her again and he’d promised me he’d never see her again. I allowed the talking, but he wasn’t supposed to meet up with her ever again. When I asked why, he said he didn’t tell me because he knew I’d be mad and that I wouldn’t allow it.
I’m trying to make this marriage work and I certainly don’t want to divorce him before our first year is even up, but I’m getting to the point where I don’t think I can stay. I noticed about a two months ago that he was looking at porn again, even though he told me he wouldn’t in our marriage (especially now that he gets sex) and so because I wanted to know just how much he was looking at it, I put a web- watcher program on his laptop. Two days ago, he asked me if he could meet up with an old friend, a woman, who was married and that he used to work with. I asked if he had a past with her and he said that they messed around a few times, but never had sex and never dated. I told him I wasn’t completely comfortable with it, but that since I’m trying to trust him, I told him it was okay.
I got suspicious because I saw the word “foot” come up a few times in their talk when I would look over at his screen. He started acting weird because he started minimizing the screen and typing a response when I was looking at the TV or when I stepped out of the room (I was sitting right next to him on the couch). So I got on my web-watching program the next day and got to see most of their conversation and I am now extremely upset. After everything and my major breakdown and me almost leaving him, I see that he’s flirting with this MARRIED woman and saying that he’d love to give her a foot rub and when she said no because it would be inappropriate, he responded by saying it wasn’t (which he knows it is). He kept pressing about it and when she asked why, he said that it’s because she always wears cute socks and that he loves to give foot massages to his friends. Then he said he wanted to see her drunk because she’s “fun” drunk and even offered to drive her home (45 minutes away) if she got drunk. He concluded their conversation by saying he’d really love to give her a foot massage and that she should remember just how good he is at it *wink*.
Then I see that he also messaged his ex-girlfriend (the one we got into a fight over) and he’s asking her what she’s wearing and if she’s wearing socks or stockings. Then says she should be wearing stockings and then says she needs to have her feet massaged. I didn’t get to see the rest of that conversation… But I’m really upset and confused and I don’t know what to do. I see this as cheating because even if you aren’t looking to go any further, you are showing interest and intent in someone other than your partner/spouse. It’s at least emotional cheating.
And for the record, the last time I got a foot massage was about a month and a half ago. And even then, he doesn’t offer. I have to ask him a couple times and I usually get this half-assed massage if I get anything at all. He doesn’t ask me for pictures or for anything really…but he’s asking other women for it and he’s flirting with them. The night he went out with his friend, I got dressed up, shaved, nice lingerie, painted my nails, put on makeup and perfume and when he got home (9pm) he was like “wow! You look great” and gave me all these compliments, but then nothing. He sat down, got on the computer and told me that I looked sexy, but I couldn’t get him turned on enough to have sex. I even told him that I wanted to (as if how I was dressed didn’t already say that) and he said okay, but the way he sounded made it sound like having sex with his wife was a chore. So I tried for about a half hour to get his attention and everything, but nothing…so I finally went to bed alone.
Am I being too hard on him or not? I really consider this cheating, emotional cheating at least, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve given him chance after chance and he always says “never again”, but his track record speaks differently. Also, I caught him once (about 2 months in right before my break down) looking at porn and he apologized, said it was wrong of him and promised never to do it again…and he did again. I tried stepping up my game and shaving more, wearing stockings, sending pictures and pretty much doing whatever he wanted me to and instead of looking at porn less, he’s looking at it more and then he starts flirting with these girls.
|Definitely Cheating on Jul 16, 2009 @ 01:29 pm|
This is definitely cheating. I was getting angry while reading this post. I don't want to encourage divorce/breaking up a family, but i feel that if i was in this position, i won't be able to stand it and it's probably best in the long run to separate. I know sometimes when you love someone, you try to see only the good in them. As a result, it's hard to just leave them. But sometimes, it's best for both of you.
Seems like talking to him and confronting him doesn't work. I mean, after all those incidents and talks, you still don't trust him, feel the need to monitor him and yet he still slips up. So i really don't know what advice i can give you.
If you ask anyone, i know they'll tell you that this is cheating. And once again, i really don't know what to tell you. But keep us posted, i'm sure the chicks here can help out. : )
|Definitely Cheating on Jul 16, 2009 @ 02:01 pm|
If my husband ever did this I would be so hurt and betrayed. Cheating isn't always physical just like abuse isn't always physical. Emotional abuse stands up in court just as strong for it can beat someone down.
I'd suggest marriage counselling so at least you know you gave it your all and if he loves you he'll go. If he won't then I believe that answers your questions too.
Ali de Bold
|Not a good pattern on Jul 16, 2009 @ 02:13 pm|
It sounds like you two have been in a pattern from the start of your relationship. He screws up, apologizes, you forgive... and it begins again. He has not given you any reason to trust him and his behavior is totally inappropriate... and also strange.
BTW, you wanting to wait for marriage is not to blame for any of his behavior. If he couldn't hack it, he could have left.
If you want to save your marriage, I'd suggest couples counseling ASAP. I don't know what else you can do. A long talk with him promising not to do it again won't accomplish squat because he has consistently broken those promises over and over again. It would be foolish to take his words at face value now.
A good relationship should build you up and make you both better for it. Here you are in a situation where you are installing spyware on his computer and checking his phone. This is not a good foundation for any marriage.
I don't want to recommend to anyone to end their marriage without giving it a fair shake but if he's not prepared to be a good husband what hope is there? Your decision becomes: You stay in a relationship like this accepting that it will not change or You get out.
People don't change unless they decide too and even then, it's really hard. Sorry you are going through this...
Ali de Bold
|Also... on Jul 16, 2009 @ 02:17 pm|
He has already cheated several times that you are aware of: BJs and making out count as cheating... if you even believe that is all that happened.
Either way he has already violated your marriage vows.
|Added Info on Jul 16, 2009 @ 02:18 pm|
I have talked to him before about counseling and he refuses. He doesn't want to do it. I don't know why, but I've tried to tell him that before.
I will also say that though I put a web-watching program on his computer without his knowledge, he was the one who told me I could check his phone at any time and his computer. He gave me permission...but I guess he never thought I'd actually check. I'm not doing all this behind his back, but I do feel that this is a pattern. I think he believes that I'll never leave no matter what he does, but I will. I guess I'm just used to giving people multiple chances to screw up and hurt me--my father and my step father have both been given these chances--and I really just want to see the good in people.
Ali de Bold
|He's not giving you much of a choice then on Jul 16, 2009 @ 02:39 pm|
If he won't get counseling and he has proven time and time again that he does not respect you or your marriage vows then it comes down to this:
1. End the marriage. For the sake of your future happiness, future family and self-respect.
2. Stay, knowing that you are signing up for more of the same.. He was doing this before you got married, he's doing it now and he will continue to do it. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.
|agreed on Jul 16, 2009 @ 02:46 pm|
I would consider this cheating, especially since you've been clear with him again and again how you are uncomfortable with his actions and his cuddle and meet-up confessions.
Straight talk time: he says he's only cuddled and met casually. You can't be sure he's telling the truth. Over and over again? There are so many red flags here I don't know how you have managed to explain it away.
Your commitment to your vows and personal beliefs is really inspiring, but I know I wouldn't be able to do the same. As Whiskey suggests, the very least you should do is get couples counseling. If it doesn't work, you need to leave. Can you do 40 more years of this?
|he can't be trusted on Jul 16, 2009 @ 04:27 pm|
I'll be honest with you: I only read 1/2 of your post b/c I couldn't finish it. It stopped when you said you cried and asked him what you did wrong.
You Did Nothing Wrong!
Please don't blame yourself for this. In fact, you've worked so hard to make this relationship work. You always gave him the benefit of the doubt. You always gave him another chance. But over and over and over, he breaks his promises to you, he disregards your feelings, he lies to you all the time and he CHEATS!!!
Yes, he cheated. I agree that this whole talking/foot fetish thing might be considered grey area for some people. And I think friendly chatting/flirting once in awhile might not be cheating behaviour for everyone. But for your husband, it is. This is how he cheats! You told him how you feel but he keeps doing it. If the foot turns him on and he's getting that excitment from someone else but you, then yes, it's cheating.
No matter how things work out in the end. I hope you don't blame yourself for whatever happened in this relationship. You've tried for 4 years. You've giving him plenty of warnings and you've forgiven him many many times. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Your husband needs to put in the effort too and he has to be committed to changes he promises to make. You've done your part, now it's his turn if this marriage is to continue.
Good luck!! Please keep us posted...
|Wow on Jul 16, 2009 @ 10:09 pm|
The sheer length of your post scared me because I thought that anything that needs that much explaining cannot be a good situation to be in.
I have to say that in ANY relationship you should not invest more than you are willing to lose and it seems like you have invested everything and he has invested very little. Any relationship requires compromise and effort on both parts and it seems as though your husband is not willing to compromise at all.
I agree with all of the other ladies here, it IS cheating. If he has to hide it from you, it is cheating...especially since you have made it clear how you feel about it. I also agree that NONE of this is your fault and that you have given it your all to no avail. I also think that marriage requires a fair shake but I really do think you have given it that and then some.
If your husband does not want to go to counselling then he is not giving you a choice at all. Basically he is telling you that THIS IS IT and you better suck it up and accept it. I believe that in an ideal situation a relationship should bring out the best on both sides and it just seems to me that he is that guy who is happy just being himself and you will either have to accept it or move on.
I hate that you are in this situation. I am one of those people who would never want to get divorced and try my best at something but as another lady said above as well, it takes TWO people to make a relationship work.
I think it is time for YOU to put YOUR foot down. COUNSELLING or the ROAD for your husband. Either that or you have to accept that this is it and I would hate for that to happen since it is clear that you are not happy with things as they are.
I wish you all the best and that things improve from this point forward.
I am a strong believer in that you teach people how to treat you. I think your husband now needs to be taught how he can and cannot treat you. Teach him that you deserve better NOW or he can hit the road.
Please keep us posted...
|Easier said, but..... on Jul 17, 2009 @ 05:15 pm|
RUN, don't walk away from this fool! He is SUPER disrespectful of
you....in so many ways! You have the patience of Job to put up with
I do agree with the other posters about counselling but I do think that
you need to separate from him for awhile and do some counselling for
you and you only. You have to figure out why you have allowed this to
go on for so long-yes, you love him and he married you but ...you
aren't giving YOURSELF any respect by constantly 'working through'
This dude needs to check himself-SERIOUSLY...pack his sh*t and tell him
to get to steppin' and that YOU MEAN IT. He has been getting away with
everything and probably thinks that you will just stay and work it
out...make him uncomfortable and send the message that he effed up...He
needs to squirm for a bit and feel as upset as you have for once.
I feel for you girl....I hope that you can resolve this situation
whether that means dumping him or some serious counselling for both of