fixing the way we fight


I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, and while there are 100
things I love about him, there is one issue that we just can't seem to
resolve and to me, it's a big one.

It's about when we argue...I know all couples argue, but it's about the
WAY we argue. I am a sensitive person. When we argue, I dwell on it and
can't really think about much else until it's resolved. He, on the
other hand, puts up a cold front and gets stubborn.

98% of the time, it's me who has to make the first move to resolve
things, rarely will he call me up to apologize and try to smooth things
over. His view is, if I started the fight then I'm the one who should
fix it. He's getting a little better at that...I told him sometimes all
I need is for him to put his stubbornness aside and give me a hug to
calm me down and let me know that we'll work through it. So he has done
that a couple of times. But my problem is, when he gets cold (which is
what happens most of the time when we fight), it makes me feel like he
doesn't care about me. I know he's mad, but I feel like even when
you're mad at someone they should still feel that you care about them.

I don't know how to strike a balance between our two personalities in
our arguments...we're compatible in every other way but this is one I
just don't know how to fix. I've tried to be a little more
thick-skinned and he's tried to warm up a little (ie. making the first
move to resolve it) but it's really hard to do when that's not
naturally your personality. I'm wondering what steps we should be
taking to compromise because I am at a loss!
Feb 07, 2009 @ 11:41 am

1 Replies


In the same boat

Well, I can’t offer a lot in the way of a solution for you two, but I can offer sympathy. I love my boyfriend to death, but when it comes to fighting I sometimes want to strangle him. We are in the same sort of situation … our personalities are compatible in so many ways, but when it comes to fighting we have totally different styles and it is totally infuriating.

I am the same way as you, I like to talk things through until they are resolved, and I am upset until that happens. He on the other hand does not like to talk things to death. He would rather state his side once, clearly and simply, and then move on. While normally I adore his ability to be so simple and concise (completely different to my overly detailed and overly talkative way of being lol) in arguments it tends to make me really mad. I want him to get upset, I sometimes want him to yell; I just want something to prove that our fighting is as upsetting to him as it is to me. But that’s not the way he operates regularly, so I can’t expect that he would act that way in an argument. He is a calm and logical person and I need to accept that … perhaps this is the case for you as well.

I’m not sure if my sharing helps you at all, but I always find that at the very least it helps to know that you’re not the only one who feels this way. I think it is possible to be a great and compatible couple even if you don’t argue in the same way. I think the most important thing is that your arguments get resolved effectively, and once that happens, it doesn’t so much matter how exactly you arrived at your solution.

I hope this helps a little. Good luck with everything!

Feb 07, 2009 @ 02:06 pm

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