Friend wants a boyfriend but doesn't want to find one herself!


This is a weird situation and I'm getting DESPERATE for help!

I have a friend who was in a serious relationship until her boyfriend lost his grip on reality (that's another LONG story) and they split up. They had been fixed up by this girl's friend. How she found boyfriends before that I don't know.

She is a pretty girl though also loud - which doesn't bother me at all but I know it bothers some people.

She has been single for a year now. She has been depressed and I've tried to be really supportive. She says she wants another boyfriend BUT she doesn't seem to want to make any effort to find one AND her standards are REALLY high!

I've talked to friends who don't know her (as I don't have any single male friends) and most of them have said either a)they don't know anyone or b)they wouldn't want to set her up with someone and then have her break someone's heart (she has been fixed up numerous times but always finds something wrong with the guy).

I've suggested lots of places she could go to meet people but she won't put herself out there - she expects the guys to come to her and if any do she then complains about how they aren't good enough!

I'm at my wit's end. I absolutely adore this girl but it is all she talks about - I've tried to be really honest with her but no luck!

Aug 10, 2007 @ 07:19 pm

9 Replies


I feel for you and your friend, but...

It's not your job to fix her up. Life is not a restaurant where you order from a menu and a waiter brings it over, hot and tasty. She needs to get her arse into the kitchen and cook it herself!

Matchmaking exposes you to some embarrassment yourself, and it is true (tho not fair) that you hold some small responsibility for having brought the two together. Stay out of her love life; if it fails, someone may blame you!

Tell your friend you love and support her, but this is one job she has to do herself.
Aug 10, 2007 @ 08:15 pm

I feel bad for YOU!

Your friend shouldn't make you feel bad because she is single. I've been in the same boat and I always tell my friends to do the things that they enjoy and eventually they will meet someone. She should sign up for coed volleyball or start taking dance classes or some kind of thing that she enjoys doing where she will meet guys with similar interests. She should NOT be putting the "burden" of her singledom on you. And you should not accommodate that either. It is not your responsibility to find her a man and even if you try, it will never be the right guy because she knows best what she is looking for. The best way to meet a guy is to go out and get yourself involved in activities where you will meet people - not drive your BFF crazy trying to help you.

You can only be so supportive before she needs to just start helping herself.
Aug 12, 2007 @ 06:51 pm

You've Done Enough

Wow! You are one dedicated friend. You can only help your friend help herself and she isn't at the point where she can do that. You can't lower her standards, and you can't find her the perfect person - that is up to her. I think it's great that you still have some patience left and that you are still trying to help her out.

If your friend is actually depressed, she should seek help from a doctor; depression is serious and something people take far too lightly. If she is actually depressed it can impair her judgement and she might not be able to make the best decisions for herself.

Either way, hang in there but remember, it's her job to make herself happy and put herself out there!

Aug 13, 2007 @ 02:53 pm

I agree...

...with StephB, You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it have done more than enough. All you can ndo if be there to support her but you cannot help someone who does not want to help themself. You seem like a great friend and she is fortunate to have you in her corner!
Aug 15, 2007 @ 01:13 pm

Thanks for your help..but one more question...

I appreciate all of your responses as it made me feel better - I felt so guilty because I couldn't find a guy for her!

What do I tell her when she starts talking about how "unfair" it is that she can't find a boyfriend and things like that? I have tried reminding her that she needs to take initiative but it seems to fall on deaf ears...
Aug 16, 2007 @ 06:47 pm
Ali de Bold


You reap what you sow.

If she is feeling negative and talking about how "unfair" it is that she doesn't have a boyfriend, she is not going to attract a guy - or at least the kind of guy she does attract probably isn't going to be top shelf. I find that you attract people to yourself who are in the same frame of mind as you.

I really hate it when people whine about not being in a relationship. It's selling yourself short as though being single is such a bad thing.

I really enjoyed being single. I took a bunch of classes that interested me (sports, acting, dancing, etc) and just had a lot of fun with my girlfriends. If I felt lonely, I rented the cheesiest chick flick, had a glass of wine and just relaxed or went out with my friends and forgot about it.

I know being single can suck sometimes, but the more she complains about it, the less appealing and attractive she will be - even without opening her mouth. She will be emitting those negative vibes.

I have a friend who really wants to be in a relationship, get married, have kids, etc but it just hasn't happened for her yet. Yet she never complains, is always positive and just indulges her interests. She takes dance lessons, circus school, she travels and she is just such a fun and amazing person to be around. She realizes her value and she is holding out for someone who has enough to offer her in return. I never feel sorry for her. I admire her and I know that one day she'll find her perfect match.

Tell your friend that she needs to learn to be happy with herself and enjoy her singledom. She should look at it as an opportunity to learn more about herself and become a better happier person.

I think you are a very good friend.
Aug 16, 2007 @ 07:28 pm

Funny thing is...

...we are still friends but she has started spending more time with some other single girls at work. I hate to say it but I think she figures she has exhausted her possibilities of "finding a man" with me so she's going to see if the other girls can help her find a boyfriend.

What can you do right?
Sep 07, 2007 @ 11:05 pm

win-lose-win situation

I was friends with someone a long time ago and although our situation was different, in principle it was the same. Basically, it was all about her and her needs. Eventually it became suffocating because I was her only outlet at the time, and I had to walk away.

It may sound harsh, but consider yourself lucky she's "branching out" and seeking new friends. It is probably best for her in the long run anyway, and this takes the pressure out of your relationship. Who knows? Maybe now you guys can just be more casual friends and it will be a more mutually enjoyable relationship. You may regret the loss of intimacy, but if you maintain some contact things might change once she gets her man situation figured out...
Sep 09, 2007 @ 09:08 am

Good point

That's a good point mamaluv! I think that might help as well!
Sep 09, 2007 @ 01:54 pm

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