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Frustrated with my unmotivated friend


My bestfriend who is almost 21 is going no where fast. She is a pothead, has no job and isn't even trying to get a job, yet she complains about how she wants a car and needs clothes. She isn't going to school because she dropped out after her first semester. She did have a car but carelessly wrecked it because she was literally getting high while driving. Now she is angry because her parents won't buy her a new car! This girl isn't even a spoiled liitle snob or anything, she's just extremely lazy and would rather have things handed to her. I'm 2 years younger than her and I feel as if I'm more mature and responsible than her. We get along so well (or we did get along so well) because we both like joking around and being silly and she was always there for me.

Lately things have started to change between us. She has a loser ex-boyfriend who she's fought with constantly and they have broken up and gotten back together many times. Finally they ended their relationship for good but she goes over to his house almost daily. She rides her bike to his place since we all live a short distance from eachother. Her parents don't like this guy and if they knew that she goes to see him they would be angry, so she basically tells them that she's going over to my house when she's really going to his.

Because she doesn't have a phone she asks me to cover for her if her parents call. At first I thought it was silly but I said ok no big deal. This has been going on for months now and I'm sick of her using me to hang out with this idiot, who by the way recently revealed to her that he has herpes. So she might have this sexual disease, but she hasn't even bothered to get checked! I'm fed up and even a bit disgusted with her. Should I end my friendship with her? It seems as if we're drifting apart and I'm at the point where I need motivated and positive friends in my life now. I'm currently working hard to get a job and she's discouraged me from getting one because she wants me to be miserable with her.
May 21, 2009 @ 05:12 pm

6 Replies


No rubber necking!

21 years old, no car, no cell phone and has to ride her bike to visit her loser ex-boyfriend. Now all she needs is a baby, for her parents to raise of course.

It sucks, as you grow up, you begin to realize that some of your friends are not headed the same direction as you. Some will get high and work at walmart and date losers and have children they cant and wont take care of.

Did i say it sucks? It does, but theres nothing you can do about it. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You have to stay focused on your own life. If you stop now to try and pull/push/trick/force your friend into growing up.. you will have put your own growth/life on hold and wake up one day at 21 years old, riding a bike to your job at walmart. (not dissin walmart.. i love saving money on bulk ketchup :)

Your friends drama is like like a car accident on the express way. You cant help but look, you cant help but get involved and wonder what happened. You cant help but slow down to 5 miles an hour to look over and back traffic up for miles. Dont allow yourself to get stuck in traffic.

Its our friends, our lovers our family members. Its hard to watch them go sideways instead of foreward or even worse.. go backwards. Its hard to watch people waste their lives... But in my opinion.. theres nothing you can do about it. Nothing that will 'fix' the problem you think they are having anyway.

May 21, 2009 @ 11:18 pm

Forgot to add

The good news is.. if you keep heading the direction you want to go.. you will meet up with other people who are headed in the same direction. Life is much more fun when you spend it with people who are on the same path as you. Dont get side tracked trying to pull someone a long who doesnt want to go with .
May 21, 2009 @ 11:22 pm

one-sided relationship

It seems (from my vantage point) that this is a one-sided relationship. Sure, she's there for you etc etc, but it looks like she's also using you and the others around her.

If you find yourself becoming frustrated with her, how long do you think it'll take before that grows into full-blown resentment?

As harsh as it sounds, your friend is not going to change because of the loving intervention of friends and family. Your friend will only change when she hits rock bottom. For some people, rock bottom is the tough love dished out when they realize the gravy train has pulled out of the station. For others, it's an STD, an unplanned pregnancy, an overdose, prison time, or worse.

As you allow her to use you, you enable her to continue. If she realizes you will not cover for her, give her money, etc, she will be forced to either find someone new to manipulate or take a good hard look at what in her actions drove you away. I'm not saying you should ditch her completely. But you should establish some boundaries and stop letting her cross the line. Period. If you don't it might escalate and to extract yourself at that point will be even more difficult.

Let her know that you love her and will always care, but you can't help her in her destructive behavior any longer. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable to lie for her and you're worried for her safety - physically, emotionally, etc. Offer to take her to the public health clinic for testing and don't take no for an answer.

A good friend worries less about the reaction and more about the person. It sounds like your heart is in the right place, so let your actions demonstrate that. She's lucky to have you!

Good luck!
May 22, 2009 @ 09:17 am

I agree

I agree that she won't change because of her family and friends, only when she hits rock bottom. And it's then that you have to be there for her. I also agree that you have to have an honest talk with her, let her know you're there for her. She IS lucky to have you!
May 22, 2009 @ 11:28 am

you don't need this

just stay away from her.If she wants to destroy her life,let her do it.Tell her you can't cover for her anymore,her parents will find out eventually and you will look bad.Don't get involved.
May 23, 2009 @ 09:20 am

Don't abandon

She may be depressed, or have other mental issues and that is why she feels unmotivated. If you leave her that may set her further over the edge; I am not saying you should change yourself, you should definitely set boundaries, like Mamaluv above said (I actually think all of what she had to say is perfect.) But she does need real friends in life!

She is lucky to have you! Live your life, but be there for her when she needs something important. Don't allow her to use you as a doormat.
May 23, 2009 @ 05:52 pm

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