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Ghost of my boyfriend's past


This is the worse I've done and knowing it is totally totally wrong, I am on my worst guilt trip ever.
I checked my boyfriend's facebook page, his page, profile, wall,
photos, inbox, everything. And now I hate myself for doing it. What is
worse is that there are some photos I don't think I should have seen.
My actions have now cost me all these negative feelings of jealousy,
with my mind going back and forth, over and over wondering about the
relationship he had with this particular woman.

No, it
is not his ex, I know all about his ex, he told me everything there is
about her. This woman, as he described "were good friends" with him. He
briefly told me how they met (his exact words were: "we use to work
together, we went out for a beer after work one time and realize she is
a really cool person to hang out with, she was genuine and good." He
was almost reminiscing I must say)and began hanging out, but was never
an item; yet these photos I've seen tells me otherwise (in my
perspective maybe). The photos and their messages tell a story of them
being very close two years ago, hanging out almost everyday. She use to
come and hang out at the same apartment we are living in now, they
would share a bottle of "vino" together, cook all sorts of fancy food
together, invite other couples over and have a bbq together, go
clubbing together, go on a picnic together, etc. etc. As some of the
messages between the two of them suggested, they use to have late night
conversations over the phone. A couple of the messages she pretty much
said to him she is going through a rough patch and is going to cry to
push him into calling her and comfort her.
he said they were never an item, if this isn't together, I don't know
what is. These are all very couple things to do. I've been living with
him for over three months, he haven't done any of these with me. Never
shared a bottle of wine, never took me out to spend some time with his
friends, how many times I've suggested I wanted to go on a picnic
because I've never been on one, he did nothing about it. From what I've
seen, it seems she was more than just a friend, she was his confidante.
This woman have now moved overseas, they aren't in much contact other
than the very rare occasion of her writing on my boyfriend's facebook
fellow girlfriends, I feel really bad about what I've done already, but
I really can't help but wonder about this. This woman have previously
posted on my boyfriend's wall with this "Miss you much... and all the
wonderful days we've had." Um.. I believe I would only say this kind of
thing to an ex-boyfriend. She had all these albums on her facebook with
my boyfriend in it, although two years ago but it is how she named the
albums that alarms me (chilly fall afternoon, good times at...,
wonderful life with... etc etc). The albums are just the two of them,
sitting close together with her always in some form of "pretending to
kiss" him shot. Should I be wary of this?

My boyfriend got fairly jealous about a male friend I have one time. He
said my friend have feelings for me at some time or another and
probably still does, knowing that he missed the boat, now he is still
hoping for a chance. I totally told my boyfriend that can't be and that
he is just a good friend too, then he said he is sure of it, that every
guy have had that experience, that there is always one that got away
and waiting for another chance. Well then, do you think this woman was
his missed boat? or even he was her missed boat too?

I am really trying not to jump into conclusions, but is it wrong of me
to wonder about the relationship they've had? Is there something he
isn't telling me? Should I ask him about this? I don't want to irritate
him, but asking him totally comes off as not trusting him. If she was
just a good friend, there is no reason why he can't talk to me about

I feel crap now and sad, and want to cry. I want to get rid of these negative feelings, they are toxic, I don't like it. :(

Nov 16, 2009 @ 07:29 pm

9 Replies


Few options...

1. You can be totally honest with him, tell him that his facebook page was open and that you browsed through it. Fess up and say what you found and how you feel. If this relationship is going to work out I don't think he will ever break up with you over this. Ask him to clarify what the relationship was and ask him what he would do if he was in your position.

2. You can keep this to yourself that you snooped into his facebook. Ask him strategic questions about this girl to see if what he tells you matches up with what you saw. This is tricky because this might make you feel upset inside for a while because you have to continue pretending like nothing is wrong..

I can personally say that I've had a best friend, purely platonic and we never ever dated and there was never anything at all on my part. But I really cared for him a lot and we did a lot of couple things like go to restaurants, walk near the lake. We worked together too, we went on business trips and even hung out some nights in each others hotel rooms watching tv. Sounds really fishy right? But NOTHING ever happened, not even one kiss NOTHING. We just really liked each others company. We would even talk about past relationships and talk about people that we have crushes on.

I hope this helps you.
Nov 16, 2009 @ 10:59 pm


Are you facebook friends with him? From what i read it seems you had to sneak into his account. Any friend should have access to his wall and his photos. If its his decision that you are not facebook friends then in my opinion you have a problem on your hands. If its your decision... what are you hiding?

If you 2 cant be friends on facebook then what makes you think you can be together in real life? Relationships are about absolute trust in another human being. You cant have that if you are keeping secrets.
Nov 18, 2009 @ 10:47 pm


There are no set in stone rules about what goes or doesnt go in a relationship. If you decide that he is not allowed to keep pictures of old girlfriends or his 1st goldfish for that matter then he doesn't get to keep them. If he doesnt like the rule and wont follow it then you 2 need to break up and move on.

Some women don't care but its a big NO WAY for me. Get rid of your goofy stuffed animals from the carnival and charm bracelets and photos and the shirt she got you and all the birthday cards and every facebook photo. I am not interested in dating a guy and the ghost of his girlfriends past. If he cant part with that junk then he doesn't get to be with me.

Don't let other people try and make you feel like you are overreacting. You know what you are willing to accept and you know what makes you angry. If pics of him and his old snuggle buddy make you upset then he has to get rid of them. A good old dose of the same medicing will fix it right up. Upload a bunch of pics with you almost kissing your 'friend' and see how he likes it.
Nov 18, 2009 @ 10:53 pm

Don't focus on the girl...

Focus on your relationship with him. What sticks out to me from your post is the fact that you don't experience the same things that he has with her. Simple things like a picnic or hanging out with his friends. If I were you, I wouldn't bring up the fact that you went through his Facebook - I'm not suggesting you lie though. If he asks, you have to fess up. But rather than attack him about questions about her and their past (remember: past), ask him how he feels about your guys' relationship. If there's anything that you two need to build on or work at. Keep it positive though.

It seems like you wait for him to initiate activities. Why don't you take matters in your own hands and plan a night out with his friends. Invite them over for a dinner party. Make him a surprise dinner for the two of you. Crack open that bottle of wine the next time you put a movie on. You should contribute to the relationship just as much as he should.

Honestly, a lot of people have that certain person in their lives. The one that they'll never get over, and possibly love, but it's also common for those relationships to never truly blossom past a truly amazing friendship. I have a friend like this, and though we are incredibly close and we experience life in ways that are different than any of his relationships, it still doesn't stop us from dating and falling in love with other people.

Don't make this situation about their relationship. Make it about yours.
Nov 19, 2009 @ 09:36 am
Ali de Bold

What she said

I completely agree with Marayna.
Nov 19, 2009 @ 09:50 am


Marayna has it right.
Nov 19, 2009 @ 10:53 am

Agree with Marayna too

It's in the past and leave it there. This is your relationship with him and focus on that.

What Anonymoud 3 said is not good advice in my opinion in anyway. First of all, by doing that, you look insecure and controlling and I don't think anyone wants to be with someone like that. And secondly, even if you get rid of that stuff what does it even do? Absolutely nothing. Whether the stuff stays there or not it doesn't change the past.

Just calm yourself and don't go all crazy. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship he had with this girl. It's in the past and she's overseas. Focus on your relationship with him.
Nov 22, 2009 @ 12:06 am


I have an advice to give you... leave the past in the past. Breathe and stop looking at the stuff that harms you. It`s there, it`ll always be there, you had a past and so did he. He is with you, and as long as he is a good bf to you.., who cares ab anything else? I almost lost my relationship because of this type of behaviour, and a while ago, one night I had a revelatio... I need to stop caring ab that sort of crap. It`s so unfonded... If he would know my past!!!! and.. aside from that... you are hurting FOR NOTHING! If he came into your life he came for a reason.
STOP STOP STOP! When you go on his wall stop yourself. It`s gonna hurt you because you want it to hurt you... so you are the only onw that can stop it.
Watch the secret to get the technique I am talking about.

Dec 04, 2009 @ 07:35 pm

Same boat

Marayna, great advice! This has helped me so much. Thanks! 
Jan 07, 2010 @ 07:38 pm

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