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Have a husband very little relationship anymore, no sex and feel need a playmate


I have been with my husband for 22 years we both have had sugerys his made him not wanting sex anymore and i need to have it i feel like i need to have a friend with benifits or a girlfriend on the side as i am into girls as well please help if you have ideas. I just feel lost on this
Jul 01, 2012 @ 11:03 am

9 Replies


oh goodness..

i've never really heard of anything like this before. please understand though that i do not mean to be insulting in the slightest, this is just my opinion & i am by no means judging you.
i feel like if you really "loved" your husband on a level deeper than sex (especially after 22 years), you ought to be able to accept the fact that sex just isn't a component in your relationship anymore. not saying your old, because i really don't know, but most "older" couples stop having sex at some point anyway. seeing as you've been together for 22 years, you must be at least 40, which makes a "friend with benefits" or some sort of a girl on girl "fling" seem really immature. change is something that's different for everyone -- eventually together you should learn to accept it. the later stages of a marriage (after kids or retirement for example, etc) are for more intense bonding on a deeper level than sex. wouldn't you say? it's a time to rediscover all the reasons you fell in love to begin with (which ideally is not sex). good luck and sorry i couldn't be of more help x

Jul 01, 2012 @ 12:39 pm


Thanks for your imput michele but there is way more to it and we have always had great sex that was more than half of our relationship and im only 37 but i appreciate your relpy to my topic
Jul 01, 2012 @ 03:37 pm

Be honest

I feel like you should talk to your husband about it and if he agrees then more power to you, but I definitely don't think you should go behind his back.
Jul 02, 2012 @ 06:58 am

explore other avenues of therapy

I really understand where you're coming from in the sense that 30something is way too young for you to be in a non-intimate relationship. Fact is, many women (I hesitate to say "most women", even though I have heard this to be true) have their sexual peak in their 30s. Guys tend to peak in their 20s. Sex is not the be-all-and-end-all, but it sure is important and should be part of every healthy relationship in which both partners are still able and interested. I know of several marriages between 30somethings where the lack of sex was part of the reason the marriage broke apart.

Has your husband fully explored his options in terms of increasing his libido? If he has a low testosterone problem (commonly said to be an important component in controlling arousal), there are therapies available.

There are some couples who thrive in open relationships, but I think I can safely say that the majority of marriages can only survive in a monogamous arrangement. You have attractions to girls - this is something you'll have to put aside for the sake of your marriage if an open relationship is not an option for you as a couple. Marriage is about compromise AND sacrifice... but when both partners are doing their part, it is always worth the effort.

I have to also say that on a personal level, I am against open relationships because I believe they are immoral and unsustainable. However I do recognize that it's everyone's choice and I am not saying these things to be judgmental, but just to point out that for most people this is a deal breaker.
Jul 03, 2012 @ 10:44 am
Ali de Bold

You need another solution

I'm sorry you are going through this - especially at 37. I'm really sorry for your husband as I'm sure this is killing him. But considering going elsewhere for sex is a terrible idea. I'm not sure if you have kids or not but it would horrible for them if you start cheating on their dad.

Have you tried everything medically possible for your husband? If you have, what about a vibrator? There must be other things you can do with your husband to fulfill that need without stepping out. You two have to figure out what those things are.
Jul 03, 2012 @ 11:01 am

Please think first.

I agree with the other ladies please try to see if there is a medical solution for your husband. If your sex life was great before I'm sure this must be a terrible situation for him too.

Cheating on him is not the solution my now ex-husband cheated on me when my libido was low. I lost my respect and love for him. I did stay in the marriage for a number of years after but it was never the same. If you cheat and he finds out I believe it can only lead to one or both of you being hurt in the end. Even if you don't think he will find out he probably will. If you do talk to him about what you are thinking and he said "yes go ahead", will it really work? I don't know either of you, you do, so you must honestly answer that question. I believe when it happens, even with his knowing, it will hurt your relationship.

If you still love and respect your husband then try to find a solution or at least be honest with him. If you need to move on then do so before finding someone else. I'm sure that will hurt both of you at the time but it's better than betrayal of a person you did/do love.

I wish you both the best of luck finding a solution to your problem.
Jul 05, 2012 @ 01:42 pm

What goes around, comes around.

I think you should ask yourself, if you the one whose libido was decreased, and your husband wanted this, would you be okay with it? If he asked you about it, would you be insulted, disappointed, saddened? Would you feel the very thought goes against the institution of marriage? I think these are all questions you should address to yourself before pondering about this.
I don't mean to sound rude, but I always like to play devil's advocate and turn the question onto their person asking it.
But just think about his feelings and yours if you were the one that this could happen to.
Do take care!
Jul 06, 2012 @ 12:32 am


Cheating is not the answer.
Jul 16, 2012 @ 05:42 pm

Dialogue and compromise

What about opening up to him and letting him know how you feel? That yu need intimacy with him?
Maybe set up some dates with him to have a great night out (or at home) and some playtime after, without first pursuing the ultimate goal of sex. Make it sexy and fun, and maybe it will get him in the mood of satisfying your envies, maybe with accessories at first if he is not able to "perform". I know it is not easy to talk about, but it is better than seeking an outside relationship that could very we'll compromise your marriage.
Aug 09, 2012 @ 12:02 pm

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