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Hostile Mother in Law

Anonymous

I really don't know where to turn to on this topic. My mother in law is a bully and she started off pretty nice, but I know she deep down inside, she thinks I'm not good enough.

Now that I'm married for a few years now, her true colors really shows and she is so nasty to me. I have talked to my husband about her and told him I really can not tolerate her. 

He said he will talk to her so she's aware she's treating me this way. If by then she doesn't stop then we will have to distance ourselves from her.

The thing is, she stopped being hostile towards me for a few weeks and just goes right back to being extreme mean, condescending and thinks everything is my fault and that I have to do everything for her son (treat him like a baby).

My husband sticks up for me when he catches her being rude and yelling at me about non-sense, but I'm at the point of total resentment. 

I'm generally pretty patient and laid back and yes, very passive. She knows that about me and takes advantage of it. I really can't take the constant snapping and lashing out at me for no apparent reason at all! 

It's giving me panic attacks and sometimes I don't sleep for days because my anxieties is up the roof after interacting with her. It's really bad, I've been bullied, I've been abused before in my lifetime. This to me is emotional and mental abuse to a whole new level. She's very passive aggressive and tries very hard not to get caught by my husband when she's doing this. The good part is my husband is aware of it and he does see her doing it, just not as often.

Anyways, I'm actually contemplating on divorcing my husband, although he treats me very well, he will take my side etc... but he is the only child and I feel so guilty taking her son away from her. Well, I believe that's why she treats me like this because he's her only son. I'm really at my wits end and can not take it anymore.

Has any of you ladies have this problem? Please share, sorry I have to go anonymous, just in case. I haven't really expressed this to anyone other than my husband. He actually does not know how extreme it really is. This is coming from a person whom has endured many abuse in my life. His mother in law is making me feel a lot worst because she intentionally says things to irk me and pushes and pushes my buttons. I don't know what to do?
May 19, 2017 @ 12:29 am

19 Replies

Anonymous

Sorry about the grammer

I just typed it out so fast and forgot to edit before pressing send.
May 19, 2017 @ 12:32 am
carlyporteous

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I'd distance myself from her completely. You don't deserve that. She clearly has jealousy issues!
May 19, 2017 @ 08:16 am
fredamans

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I can relate.
Been with my hubby almost 17 years. For most of that time, I loved my m.i.l. even thinking she liked me back. Six months ago we moved in with them and it all changed. Her true colors have come out and I know how she really feels.
Sadly, we can't pick our inlaws.
My best advice, which I often remind myself of, is she is his mother. For that I have respect. However, I do not have to put up with her crap either. Don't let her get to you. When she is being ignorant, rude or bullying, walk away. It's not worth it to fight back and cause tension between you and your spouse.
May 19, 2017 @ 12:28 pm
Cheryl

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I am soo sorry she is treating you this way.

Does she live you with at all? No one deserves to be treated that way.

Can you tell her how you feel and if she doesn't treat you how you want to be treated can you distance yourself from her

The problem isn't you. its something about you that she loves and is jealous of and because she cant express it. It comes over condensending. Your mother in law is obviously hurting about something


May 19, 2017 @ 12:57 pm
danaorgnero

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I am so so sorry, this is absolutely horrible! I think you need to be 100% real with your husband. I know you have mentioned speaking to him and that he also sees some of what is going on but it doesn't seem as though he completely understands the extent of damage this is actually doing to your mental health. This woman is toxic and this needs to stop. Is there any chance you can set up something and video record the way she's treating you? I know this may seem extreme but it might go a long way in showing your husband what is really going on and also saving your marriage.
May 19, 2017 @ 04:26 pm
Anonymous

Thanks ladies

You ladies are amazing, your words really help lift my spirit!

No, we don't live together, but we might as she get's older. Although she treats me so poorly, I can not let her be alone when she gets too old.

That said, the though of that frightens me, she is seriously abusive! That's why I've been thinking of divorce.

My husband talked to her and told her she needs to stop or she's going to loose him out of her life. She never stopped. She's just being more sneaky about when she attacks me now.

@fredamans, I'm going to take your advice and try to walk away and ignore her. I did keep saying to myself that it's my husband's mother, but now I'm at the point of wanting to jump off a bridge. That's how badly she gets to me.
May 19, 2017 @ 04:41 pm
laura2423

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I would defiantly cut her off, I would not be around anyone who treats me like that regardless of who it is. From the sounds of it your husband would understand if you chose not to be around her because he knows first hand how she treats you. Maybe she will regret her actions after you guys don't see her as much as you do now, if you refuse to be around her then he probably won't be around her as much either.
May 19, 2017 @ 06:35 pm
Anonymous

@laura

That is very good advice that you have given, and I have put so much thought into cutting her off as well. The only problem is, I feel so guilty.

We actually don't see her as much as we used to, which at first I thought would help make things better. Nope, I'm so wrong, she's even worst! I actually refuse to go over to her house for dinner because she will be even more hostile if I'm at her home. We will only eat out if we are having dinner with her. Now she's acting up at the restaurant. I'm not sure what's wrong because she was so nice to me in the beginning. Not sure what has changed. I think she knows I don't stick up for myself and allow her to do it. Again, there is only so much a person can take.

I thought about maybe only seeing her on special occasions. Which is probably on twice a year. Then again, I'm going to feel so bad. I feel like I'm a bad person for taking her son away from her.
May 19, 2017 @ 08:00 pm
laura2423

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Do you think she blames you for not seeing her son as often as she would like? Ps. I'm not trying to blame you for anything at all just trying to help figure out what the problem is, lol.
May 19, 2017 @ 09:15 pm
prettyrainbow

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It's a shame she is resorting to this type of behaviour with you. We won't always like every person we meet, but we should respect each other nonetheless. No matter what she thinks of you, you're family and she should really take into consideration that she is not only hurting you, but her own son as well. I don't think divorcing your husband is the answer, unless he has personally done something to you that is so unforgiveable. Divorce will just punish the wrong people for an issue that is entirely her problem and you'll only teach her that her abusive behaviour wins in the end. If instead you form a united front and establish rules as husband and wife as to what behaviours are and aren't acceptable, then you'll most probably be stronger as a couple in the end.

The best thing to do when she comes at you with nasty remarks is to act the opposite way of what she is expecting. Don't lash out at her or ignite the fire any further. Respond to her calmly and remove yourself from the situation. She is probably thriving on seeing your reaction, so don't give her any satisfaction, even though deep down inside you're probably burning with rage. It's like a child who bullies or is having a tantrum. The more attention you give them, the more they'll come after you.

Also, when you speak to your husband about his mom, try to use "I" sentences as much as possible. It's still his mom you're complaining to him about and this could hit a sensitive nerve. Therefore, don't directly blame her, but rather say something like, "When I'm called those nasty names, I feel very hurt and disrespected." You're targeting the actions and not necessarily her as a person.

I hope you'll have better days ahead of you. I know it must be difficult for you, but hang in there. Confide in your husband and try to work this out together. You'll get there.

May 20, 2017 @ 01:21 am

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