How can I help?


A friend of mine (guy) is desperately broken up over the love of his life (who's also one of my bff's) having married someone else. They did have a relationship together, but her family just would not accept him, they pulled some emotional blackmail, and long story short, she married someone else. Her husband is a really nice guy, I can't help but approve. I know that only time will tell, but he seems like a genuinely nice guy so far. Whether she should have married a guy she barely knows, whether she should have given into her parents blackmail, etc is really water under the bridge. Either way she's married now, and she has to make a go of it.

Meanwhile, my guy friend is going crazy. He is abroad studying medecine, he is so broken hearted.... he calls me day and night - all hours - alternately crying to me and begging me to get her back for him. He says how I should do whatever I can to bring her back to him, as if the fact that she's married is dispensible!! I'm either crying along with him or getting strict and telling him to suck it up, life doesn't always work out the way we plan and we just gotta accept it...I don't know what to do!!! Listening to him cry is bringing back a lot of emotions I've worked very hard to bury, so honestly this isn't much good for me either, but I'm not thinking of that right now. He calls me at all hours of the day and night, and I wouldn't mind that if I knew what to say when I answer his call! I want to be there for him but I don't know how :( He asked me yesterday "how do you get over this pain", I told him that I don't know how, but you do. There's no shortcut through it, I know it doesn't seem so now, but he will get through this, the only thing that will help him is time. There are many more worse things to happen to people than this... its like a road you've got to cross, there's no bridge going over it, there's no shortcuts or routes going around it..just one road and one way, and it has to be traversed. It will end, but while you're going through it, it won't be good. There's no choice so just go, and believe that it won't always be this bad, it will end. He doesn't even want to listen to me saying these things, he is insisting that he never wants this to end, he will never be okay without her, etc etc... I know that this is his emotions and the new raw situation talking, but I don't know what to do or how to help him! I'm scared of saying something that might tip his mental balance and have him do something stupid (he's emotional enough, so I don't trust that he won't!).

I'm struggling with this... I don't know how to help him and for that I feel so helpless! When we were growing up he'd always come to me with his girl problems and I'd always somehow get him through it... we used to be so close ppl would think there was something between us, except we new we were like brother/sister.... but we're not kids anymore, life's not as simple anymore, I've had to grow up but I feel like he's still a child! Its breaking my heart to see him like this, and I don't know how to help him. So i'm reaching out to you guys. How do I help him??? :-(
Apr 06, 2009 @ 01:46 am

5 Replies


no 1 answer

I don't know that there is a perfect answer here. You have already said it: he needs time and he needs to rely on himself. You can only help him so far - he has to come to terms with it eventually.

It is quite unfair of him to ask you to interfere in your friend's marriage. If you did, you would probably lose the other relationship over it. Ultimately, the girl in question made the decision (for better or worse) that her future is with her husband. If she truly truly believed she should be with her ex, her family's blackmail probably would not have worked.

What's happening now is your guy friend is crying on your shoulder. Which is to say that a lot of mental and emotional crap will be vented, seeming to be a conversation but really he's just processing. Clearly he's not really interested in your advice (and I don't mean this in an unkind way), because what you are saying to him is what he'd say to you in the same situation - i.e. the cold truth. He wants to hear you agree with him, and when you don't he feels worse and so do you.

Since this is mainly a vent, the best thing you can do is just let him cry it out with you. You are scared, and probably rightfully so, that saying the wrong thing will send him off the edge. So try to not say anything. Simply tell him that you feel for him and will always be there for him.

Your BFF is aware of his feelings, so you telling her about his anguish will only torture her more. You getting in the midst will only endanger your relationship with the two of them, and so your only option is to just love them through this and wait for the storm to ease. Sorry honey - I don't think there's much more you can do than that.
Apr 06, 2009 @ 02:06 pm

thank you so much for your response!!!

Really, your response means a lot, and makes a lot of sense. so now I'm just mmm'ing along with him now, letting him let his feelings out.

The bad thing is, he doesn't want t continue his studies anymore... I am trying my best to tell him to at least do his finals for this semester and then come here, and once here take a semester off if he needs to and decide if he really wants to quit or not, rather than decide while his emotions are still so raw, but thats another thing he doesn't want to hear me say.

thanks agan for your response!!!
Apr 07, 2009 @ 09:43 pm

good call

I think your suggestion to him to finish off the semester and then take time off is a great idea. Hopefully once he calms down some he'll see the wisdom in your words.

You're such a great friend! Everyone should have someone as supportive as you.
Apr 08, 2009 @ 08:21 am

Be supportive

I think mamluv gave good advice. When something likes this happens I find that most people don't want advice they just need someone to be there. Be there for him, be supportive and listen to him.

I'd also agree with not interfering with the marriage. Your friend is just in a bad state and needs someone there for him.

Listen to him and watch out for him. Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid or harmful while in this state. He will eventually get over it. At least I think he will.
Apr 08, 2009 @ 10:58 pm

i hope so!

thank you so much for ur responses and kind words!!! i really hope i can be a good friend to him...i wish he was here, then i could litterally shake sense into him, but now he's all the way in another country, there's little I can do except listen to him.

i went out with my gff today and she told me some of the crazy things he did since finding out she got married (e.g. he had his friend leave a note on her car saying "'i'm here to get you") and man thats just plain spooky!!! While we were out he kept calling her, and me, like crazy. He wants us to talk but doesn't want to give us the time to talk..! And the times she did pick up the phone I could hear him yelling and threatening her..! I know he's "going crazy" cuz of what she did, but really.... am i being insensitive or do you guys agree that he's going about it the wrong way and going overboard?

He kept calling me non stop after I had come home, I guess he wanted to know what me and her talked about. I told him we talked about him, and all thats happening with him and her and stuff and he's saying how why should he be the only one who's suffering and how he's gonna make everyone suffer, he's gonna distroy everyone, etc ... just plain crazyiness! sigh.... i'm biting my tongue thru most of it, and trying to calm him down. I told him that the way he's behaving, instead of making her feel bad or regret for leaving him, he's gonna make her feel relieved that she's not with his psycho-self!! He needs to be mister understanding not mr psycho crazy "i'm gonna get you" person..that way he's just gonna scare her off and make her forget all their good times and basically make her hate him (which is exacty what he's doing) !! He didn't like that at all, but i can't just keep quiet while he's threatening to harm her...! :(

the hardest thing is to not betray either of the friendship. there is no way I can do what he wants me to (break my gff's marriage), but I can't tell him that outright. I want to warn her about him so she at least gets a good idea of his crazyness and protect herself, but I can't tell her everything because a) i'll make her paranoid and scared, and b) if he finds out it will hurt him even more and he just might end up doing something stupid

on top of everything its finals right now and assignments are due and i'm involved in a very big very public project at work where everyones sort of looking at me and will know if i screw up even a bit.. :( sigh!!! when it rains it pours...

it's really nice to let it out so thank you so much for listening (reading) and i really really really appreciate your replies!!
Apr 11, 2009 @ 01:18 am

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