how can i stay broken up??


OK so I've been with this guy for 23 months and he's my first bf. We've fought about the smallest things such as him looking at other girls or this one whore who wasn't interested in him at all until i started dating him and she told him to have sex with her first so that he would lose his virginity to a "friend". 

In the past i have told him many lies to make him want me so that i wouldn't lose him because i always thought that i am hideous and disgustingly fat and that no guy would ever want me. he has helped me stop being so self distructive and realize that i not hat bad. and i came clean about my lies to him n realized that a relationship based on lies isn't what i wanted. 

 But currently at times i'm sooo annoyed i don't want to be with him and i can't stand him but i just cant seem to break up with him and stay broken up.  i broke up with him about 1 or 2 times a month we talk every day, hes like my best friend and he tells me he is so in love with me so it breaks my heart to hurt him. I kind of had my world revolve around him for the longest time and its hard to change that. i just don't think i feel the same for him, like i don't feel anything and i feel bad i want to be his friend and I've asked to just be friends but he won't let that because he "wants to be more then friends". I feel like i am just with him because i don't want to be alone and i feel like i can always turn to him. i'm scared that if i do break up with him there will never be anyone who cares for me as much as he does because i know he would do anything for me. I seriously have no idea what to do...
May 12, 2010 @ 11:12 am

3 Replies


You need clarity

There are a couple of things that stand out to me here:

1. Your relationship has been through many ups and downs. He has helped you realize many important things about yourself and start to fix self-destructive behaviours.

2. You love him dearly as a friend but perhaps no longer as a possible mate.

3. You are scared to be alone.

First, it is wonderful that you had an important and supportive friend to get you through rough times. He truly sounds like a gem, and I can see why you are reluctant to let him go.

Second, this is an unbalanced love affair. I know you hate to hurt him, but in the long run, won't it hurt him more? A friend of mine stayed with someone she was slowly growing to hate because "it was the right thing to do" - as in, they made sense as a couple, but only on paper. What happens later? Do you marry and maybe even have children with someone you're not sure you really love?

Third, being scared of being alone is very understandable. However, in my humble opinion, you should be more scared of sticking with the wrong relationship for the rest of your life. Think of the Big Picture here - in 10 years, will you regret your decision?

And that is what's plaguing you here too - the thought that you might regret breaking up. Another friend of mine broke off her high school relationship in a rather messy way, and came to sincerely regret it later on. She carried the "what if" question with her for years until she met the man who she eventually married. Later, she bumped into her ex, who was by then also married to someone else. They were able to part as friends, and she made the important realization after chatting with him that they had grown very much apart - in fact, in retrospect she understood they were so dissimilar that a break-up was probably inevitable. Her only regret to this day was the manner of the split.

If you feel strongly that this relationship cannot continue romantically, you have to break things off. It's not fair to you, and it's sure as heck not fair to him even if it will break his heart. If you are meant to be together, your paths will cross again and the love will be rekindled. You love him like a friend - "if you love someone, set them free", right? Sounds corny but it's actually very true. He needs to set you free as well.

Perhaps you will even have to put your friendship on hold until you are both okay with the break-up, and perhpas you will have to avoid each other for a while. If the opportunity arises, consider a trip away or maybe even a study semester elsewhere if you are in university. Take the best parts of your relationship and remember your boyfriend for all the wonderful things he brought to your life; leave all the negativity behind, including the self-image issues you have now put behind you.

Good luck!
May 12, 2010 @ 11:52 am


Thanks that actually really helped. Your totally right i just love him as a friend, and i should have broken up with him awhile ago when i realized that because it's a lot harder now.
May 12, 2010 @ 12:16 pm

right on

There's not much more I could add to the advice that Mamaluv already offered! It definitely sounds like you are staying with him out of convenience and comfort, which you will likely end up regretting, even if it hard now.
May 12, 2010 @ 01:43 pm

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