How do I motivate my man to get in shape?


For years, I have tried to get my man to get in shape.  He is overweight (he used to be in shape when I first met him), and the problem is that I'm becoming less and less sexually attracted to him.  I've let him know several times before that his weight is killing our sex life.... and it usually ends up with him vowing to get in shape. He'll join a gym for a week, then give up.  This has happened more than a few times.  I'll give him credit though for making more healthier food choices, but that simply isn't enough. He's got a big beer gut, because...well, he drinks a LOT of beer with his buddies almost every other day.  I've exhausted myself trying to be his gym buddy, encouraging him...making healthier meals, giving him pointer tips on how to eat...turning into a nag, etc. etc.  
There are days when I get upset because then I think ..."if he loved me, he would do his best to make sure I'm attracted to him and improve our sex life" because I put a lot of effort in exercising and making myself look attractive to him.  Whenever I mention something that has to do with eating, or exercising...I know I'm killing his self esteem because it just reminds him how overweight he is.  

I love him a lot.  He is a great guy.  But I don't want to end up being one of those married couples with a non-existant sex life.  I really don't know what else I can do to about this....

Nov 08, 2008 @ 10:40 pm

10 Replies


Help yourself

I'm not an expert and not qualified in any way so this is just my opinion.

This man sounds depressed and unless he recognizes it and chooses to do something about it there is little you can do FOR HIM.

You can do something for YOURSELF.
Get into some good therapy and go from there.
Nov 09, 2008 @ 12:40 pm
Ali de Bold

You can't change him

The best thing you can do is work out yourself, eat healthy and spend lots of time with your friends. He will start to see you looking all fit and enjoying life and will eventually want to get up off the couch and join you.

I don't think it is wrong for you to want him to be fit and healthy, but I think telling him you don't find him attractive will not get the results you are looking for. It will only wear down his self esteem and he will think the situation is hopeless.
Nov 09, 2008 @ 08:46 pm

Leave him be

You can lead by example but if he does not want to get in shape or be healthy there is little you can do about it. If he just needs a little motivation, he may just end up getting more healthy if he watches you do it but you can't really expect him to do it if he doesn't want to. I agree with misschickie, I would not mention the attraction thing in case it ends up making him feel defeated and then not even trying to get in shape...

Nov 09, 2008 @ 11:28 pm

*sigh* thanks tho...

You're can't change a man.  I guess I'll just keep on doing my own thing and hopefully he'll do something about it.  My worst fear is that he'll end up like a Homer Simpson.  *shudder* 
Nov 10, 2008 @ 12:52 am


I find that if I want my partner to start eating healthy and being more active not only do I have to lead my example, but i also have to include him. If I go for a walk I invite him, we cook together, shop for food together, discuss what is healthy and what isn't...It's easier and more fun when you have someone to do all this with. But first he has to WANT to actually do all this. Have a serious talk with him and if he agrees to try doing everything together with you motivating him, move from there. I joined a gym and got a trainer because my boyfriend lost over 30 lbs and I barely lost anything in our venture to lose and get fit! He outdid me, which motivated me to get up at 5am and start taking my exercise seriously. The hardest is to stay motivated and on track. I find that once you have been doing it for a while, it becomes habit and is easier.

Mine has slipped back since we started, but he sees how fit and strong I am getting from the gym and talks about getting in shape himself all the time.

Good luck with this, it's never easy with the people we love...
Nov 10, 2008 @ 07:44 am


time to try a diff approach. basically, do the opposite of what you have been doing and see if it works...

he def does not want to be your gym buddy. it will make him feel so inadequate to work out with you in front of people when he is so obv out of shape. do you have a male friend of his you can charm into pressuring him to go to the gym? i think he would be more likely to go with someone he doesn't try to impress, you know? like he won't be afraid to sweat or he won't be embarassed if he only lasts 7 mins on the treadmill.

make him the healthy meals, but don't always remind him of how healthy they are. condition him if you know what i mean.

also, when you see a hot guy with a hot body on tv don't be afraid to say that guy is f-ing hot. maybe it will motivate him?
Nov 10, 2008 @ 02:36 pm

Find the right activity

A lot of people hate working out at the gym. There's something very uninspiring about spending a perfectly good Thursday evening on a StairMaster when CSI is on. My husband hates the gym!

Instead, I'd look into community sports. My husband played volleyball on a city team for years, then basketball on Wed nights at a local church. Having fun is key, and the right sport fits the bill perfectly. If he's not into group sports, try cycling or tennis. You can goad him a little too - a friendly wager on the outcome of your game/race? Shake things up, try something new! Rock climbing, hiking, whatever; maybe something that's new to both of you.

Start the healthier eating off slowly. Wean him off chips onto nuts or cheese on wheat crackers instead of celery and raisins. Find ways to cook his favorite foods with less fat and salt instead of denying them altogether. It's all about moderation!
Nov 12, 2008 @ 11:40 am


1: STAY POSITIVE--remember that time you binged on sugar because you had a rough day...a break up...Well ragging on your boyfriend for his beer gut will likely hurt his feelings and help him to eat or drink more. Instead try and focus on the good things that he does, like complimenting his best features and noticing when he takes any small step to improve his health. Most people who are out of shape don't want to take steps to improve it because they think they look silly or ugly at the gym. Make sure you compliment his best features (biceps--hair--eyes--shoulders?) so he knows "he's got it" even if he doesn't...yet. Someone who appreciates their body will work to improve it.

2: PROVIDE AN EXAMPLE: If you happen to be naturally thin and don't need to work for it, this can seem 'unfair' to someone who is trying to loose weight. Promote a little competition by improving your own physique--this might motivate him to keep up with you. One because you are starting to beat him in arm wrestling matches...and two, because he doesn't want some other buff dude from the gym picking you up.

3: TRICK HIM--sort of: There are a million ways that we can trick people into doing something healthy. Try cooking healthy meals togeather, walk around on your dates instead of driving, get a Kama Sutra book and get practicing! Sex burns calories--and there is no denying that this would be viewed as a positive way to loose weight by your man!

Don't put the emphasis on weight loss...which doesn't sound too fun. Emphasize the FUN that you can get out of a healthy lifestyle instead of the work it takes to have one!
Nov 13, 2008 @ 11:47 am
Ali de Bold

GREAT advice

Good ideas, missymusic! That's a much more positive way to get him involved.
Nov 13, 2008 @ 01:24 pm


I don't know so much about the weight being a problem as him drinking that often. Pick your battles and that sounds like a more important one.
Jan 25, 2009 @ 12:19 am

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