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How sure were you when you got engaged?


My bf is close to proposing and I'm getting really nervous about it. We've been together for a very long time...over half a decade now. We've been through a lot together, and I love him so much. The thing is...I've just been having so many doubts about our future together and a million questions have been popping into my head. I hear about divorce all the time. So many married people are unhappy, and a lot of people cheat on their spouses. The last thing I want to happen is be divorced. My biggest nightmare is for us to become an overweight couple with no sex drive, and be old and miserably with eachother.

I just want to know how any of you ladies felt when you got engaged, and if you had the same doubts like I have right now.
Mar 19, 2008 @ 10:34 pm

4 Replies

Ali de Bold

Doubts can be healthy

I was excited yet scared $hitless. I knew I was taking a HUGE step and didn't ever want to end up divorced, having seen that in my own family. I had nightmares about it and everything. However, I knew logically we were very compatible and he had all of the qualities I was looking for. I tried to look at the relationship logically and sort out if we we had the same goals and dreams and values. It didn't stop me from having momentary freakouts, but I knew all along he was the right one for me.

However, do not marry because you feel pressured or because you think you should. Make sure you feel ready to do it. It is a huge step and even if you bail an hour before your wedding, better to make sure you are 100% sure when you walk down that isle. I had a big smile on my face on my wedding day and I knew I was making the right decision after all of my worrying.

If you think long and hard about it, you WILL make the right decision either way. Chin up!
Mar 20, 2008 @ 01:19 am

doubts, faith, and all that good stuff

Take away the fear of divorce for a second and honestly ask yourself: do you want to marry this man, or is there some part of you that worries you are truly not meant for each other?

I too come from a divorced family. When my bf proposed, I must honestly say that I could only think of how happy I was. There was no doubt in my mind that he was right for me. did I fear divorce? Sure! But you have to keep it separate from the more fundamental question of whether you are with the right person.

Now. this is just my opinion - you've been together for over 5 years... you really should know by now if this has staying power. I really believe that if you go into something with the focus on possible failure, you will indeed fail. Instead of worrying about the 50% or so of marriages that end in divorce, consider the 50% that succeed. You'd take those odds in Vegas any day.

MissChickie has good advice, but let me add to it by saying that getting married is taking a leap of faith. Since you can't know what the future will bring, you have to look at your current picture. If you knew the world would end in nuclear holocaust next year, would you still "risk" marrying this guy?

One last thought. Marriage is work. you'll have your ups and downs, and I can tell you from experience that if you want it enough and if both partners are willing to do what it takes to keep your marriage together, you can weather almost any storm. I think people are too quick to call it quits these days, but if you think this will be "easy", then you have the wrong picture about marriage. How do you deal with your ups and downs with your bf right now? Do you guys argue in a non-destructive way? Have you ever entertained serious thoughts about leaving him (and I don't mean that time when he took his mommy's advice over yours and you got all maudlin off a bottle of Merlot ;) )?

Don't worry about 15 years from now. Decide based on today (and, as MC pointed out, your overall compatibility and if you share enough common interests and values) whether you are willing to take a leap of faith.

Best of luck!
Mar 20, 2008 @ 08:43 am

Yeah, that!!

Mama and MC said it all. Focus on the NOW and all the data you have from the past 5 years. That will determine if this "leap of faith" is worthwhile. If you can't determine that by 5 years ... then .... well, I think you have your answer.

Fiance and I had been talking engagement about a year before if was official. We've known its right for a long time. But perhaps that period of knowing its in the forefront of our minds took a little edge off of worrying and wondering. Perhaps once you guys get engaged, you might consider a decently long engagement duration before the wedding to help you sort out any of these consuming worries.
Mar 20, 2008 @ 12:08 pm

All above very good advice!

I've been married for about a year and I definitely agree that marriage is hard work! I love my husband but its definitely not easy. Let me share some insight - I was in a long term relationship before ( 3 years +) and while that guy was on the brink of proposing, I was not only scared but I absolutely knew if we got married, we'd be divorced! He wasn't right for me and I'm glad I smartened up.

One of my good friends got married last year and is now separated from her husband - just months later. She had her doubts, didn't go with her gut and just went through with it. While it would have been hard to call off her wedding beforehand, its now 100 times harder as she has to go through with a divorce.

Being afraid of divorce is fine but don't get married if you don't want to be with him. You said you love him - make sure you are in love with him.
Mar 27, 2008 @ 03:58 pm

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