How to get over a love?


Earlier this year I got out of the first real relationship in my life. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for several years and we ended a few months ago. We are both in our early 20s. Since then, I never really had the chance to think or have the chance to reflect about it, because I was very distracted -- not by other men -- but by the events in my life that included much traveling.

Now that things have finally settled down for me I have finally had the chance to think about things.. I cannot seem to enjoy life again, and things that I once loved doing I have no interest in. It appears to be the only thing that I really think about these days.

I have spoken to him casually on and off since we had broken up, but only very recently we had started talking on the phone. (*FYI -- he never tried to contact me at all since our break up. It was all me.) He had told me
that he needed to tell me something important, and that was that he was seeing someone new. He told me that they had only been seeing each other for a month, but I had found out from another friend that they have been in fact dating for several months, and not too shortly after we had ended our relationship. I know why he had lied to me, because he did not want to hurt me. That was enough to bring me a lot of sadness and anger.

He had told me that he is as happy as ever when I had asked him. And that pained me so much to know that... because I cannot ever imagine myself "happy as ever" right now -- and in any case, not with a new man.

I myself had tried to start dating after we broke up as well, and that did not work out for me. I know that I'm not ready for it. I just cannot comprehend how he can be.

I know that this may sound ridiculous, but I get the impression that he just doesn't care about me anymore. Why is he trying to cut me off?

I know that this is also a though phase and that it will pass. But I just cannot see myself with anyone else other than him. And I cannot "rebound" with another man. I can't stand the fact that he is with someone new. What if he loves her? And how can he possibly share all the specialness that we had together with someone new?

I'm so depressed, ladies... :(

Oct 12, 2008 @ 01:25 pm

7 Replies

Ali de Bold

You will get through this.

First of all I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's an awful time. I know. Everyone will tell you that it will get better and though that probably sounds like b.s right now, I promise, it will. The pain will start to get less and less and before you know it, it won't hurt at all.

Don't worry about him and why he isn't hurting as much or seems able to move on faster. You will only drive yourself crazy and the more you contact him the more you will torture yourself. He may end up with that girl or he may not. The important thing is you need to get over him.

How to do that?

1. Eat well, exercise, dress well. Use this as motivation to get you looking and feeling your best. Even if your motivation is simply 'I want to look like a million bucks next time I bump into him', it will both boost your mood and your self esteem. Just the endorphins from working out regularly will make you feel better. Looking your best has the side effect of increased confidence and of others noticing, which can feel pretty good when you need that boost too.

2. Surround yourself with good friends, pray, take time to do things you like. You don't need him to enjoy life. You enjoyed it before you met him and you will again without him. You don't know what the future holds, but your life isn't over here. There are many wonderful things to come and the sooner you can experience them the better. If you are a person of faith, lean on that. I had a number of situations years ago where I thought my life was over and I would never be happy again. If I knew then what I know now... ;)

3. Cry it out. If you aren't a crier rent some sappy movies and get a good bawl on. Purging that sadness is very therapeutic. Allow yourself to grieve, get it out of your system and move on.

4. Be real about him. It wasn't perfect, don't romanticize it and make him perfect in your mind. There were probably a number of underlying issues why it didn't work out. I dated my first love for 21/2 years and we both thought we were going to get married. I ended up breaking things off prematurely and regretted it deeply for a long time. I thought I would never get over him and the more I thought about him the more perfect he became in my mind. I tortured myself thinking I had ruined my life and my one shot at happiness.

That was a long time ago and I was wrong. We are both happily married now and have moved in completely different directions with our lives. I wouldn't have fit in his life and he wouldn't fit in mine. It was for the best and we both found someone we are more compatible with. Good thing I didn't decide my life was over then!

You are in your early twenties and by the time you are my age you will be able to look back and see this from a totally different perspective. What I thought ruined my life didn't, and there is a reason for everything. You will be happy again, you will find love again (better than ever!) and this will not crush you. Take the good things from that relationship and save them for the next one.

Oct 12, 2008 @ 02:20 pm


Yeah, sorry you're going through is tough!  But Ali's right (and gives great advice!!!).  You will get through this.  I know what it feels like.  I broke up with my boyfriend after I was with him for 4 years.  I thought we were going to get married and I felt really heartbroken for months after the breakup.  Well during that breakup time (which was about a year), I did what I had to do to get back to myself....exercising, surrounding myself with friends, and just getting myself back together.  I even read the book "he's just not that into you" everyday just to get my head back into reality. It really helped me a lot.
I believe all things happen for a reason. If we didn't break up, I would have been extremely miserable in the relationship and wouldn't have had the chance to personally grow and learn more about myself.  The breakup taught me a lot about myself and dating other guys taught me a lot about what I wanted in life and relationships.  My boyfriend and I remained friends during the breakup, but that was pretty much it. My point is, don't dwell on him.  You need to look after yourself.  That is what I did to get over it.  
After a year, we decided to get back together but that was after we had gotten over our own issues.  We're still together now and planning to get married.  This may or may not be the case with you, but you're going to get into another wonderful relationship. Things will fall into place.  But for now, you just have to look out for number one - you.

Oct 14, 2008 @ 12:50 am

stay busy

Well im a guy, so i dont know if my advice will help out as much... but,
I would stay busy, hell do some more traveling, but dont sit around and give yourself time to think about it and let it bring you down. Go out with some friends, go out with family, join a class, get another job if you have to. Find things to keep you distracted, like you were earlier. Like they said beforer, exercise, its scientifically proven to improve your mood, self-esteem, and health. Whenever I get too stressed out, I hit the punching bag until I get out all the frustration, it works.
Oct 14, 2008 @ 02:32 am

My simple advice....

Here's a little 'aHA' moment I had years ago that made alot of sense to me and still does.

The reason we get upset when we see our significant other/ex-lovers with someone else, having a great time, laughing, smiling, 'happy as ever', is because we want to believe that we are the only people in their lives that can offer them that kind of happiness. It's kind of selfish and it's what we do to make ourselves feel that much more important to them. But the truth is, we can't expect that. It's ridiculous. We all know that any one person can bring joy into our lives. Best friends, family, co-workers and sometimes even strangers. It's a great thing to be able to make someone happy and have somebody else make you happy in return.

So instead of being upset and feeling like he's turning a cold shoulder on you, be happy that he's found what's very difficult to find in this world; someone to make him happy. And trust that you made him very happy during the time you spent together and probably still do through the memories he has of you two.

It's your turn to get out there and find that AMAZING person that will make you so incredibly happy, the happiness that you deserve. And I agree with MissChickie, we tend to make the person flawless when the relationship was indeed flawed. Focus on the relationship you had with him and the reasons it can't work between you two, don't focus on him as a person because I'm sure he's a great guy but not great enough for a relationship with you ;)

You'll get through it. Plus, be happy that your days of meeting great men aren't over! You'll have a ton of more stories to tell your children when you're older.
Oct 17, 2008 @ 11:19 am

Only time...

Thanks ladies so much for all of your support. Although I have learned
that this is one of those things... where only time will heal. I truly
value all of your kind words and advice, but this moment in time it is
really tough. I may not fully "get it" until months later from now.It may take a while.

You're all amazing.

Oct 22, 2008 @ 11:36 am


God, i feel sorry for you! It is a hard time, but you just have to become yourselves again. It is awful, I know, but you cannot fix the relationship. The only thing you can fix, is you life. you need to stop thinking about the breakup.
Maybe you can try to see other men? maybe a little flirt could cheer you up? but first you have to build up you confidence! make yourselves strong again!

I think you should look yourselves "in the eye" and say: " I am beautifu. I am smart. I am succesful and I deserve to be loved. Because you do. You abseloutely deserve to be loved. just like every human on the globe!

something I often do when I feel horrible (either my heart is broken or I am jusad) is to take a warm shower, apply a perfumed body wash, spray myselves with my favourite perfume and apply perfect makeup. The icing on the cake is to dress in your best clothes and go out to have some fun!

Oct 22, 2008 @ 01:20 pm

these chicks know what they're talking about

Nobody likes hearing the "blah blah there's 6 billion people in this world" advice when stuff like this happens. If you do, you're probably trying to steal my wallet also and I'd appreciate it if you decided against that. You want somebody to erase your sadness for you. I don't know anybody who's immune to that. But seriously, spending all of your time inside your own head, romanticizing and ruminating about how "great" things were or whatever is going to make you vomit. I don't characterize myself as a "purger" but you know what I mean. I was in your situation probably 2 weeks ago and boy is it miserable. Especially when you believe that you were meant for each other. I think about her every day still, but usually it's just disgust now. She wasn't one of the good guys. If WE are still meant for each other, I personally am doomed because I'd be attaching myself to an undeserving undesirable who only finds harmony in life discord. It took a couple of weeks, but I'm starting to look at girls like girls again. The day does come, and it comes sooner than it initially appears. They don't all look like her anymore. Don't try to snap your fingers and eat the whole problem in one bite. Acknowledge that you're hurting, but today try to do something a little bit better than you did it yesterday. Tomorrow, shoot for 2 things, but if you only get one, you're still better than you were yesterday. Staying busy by doing ANYTHING but drowning your sorrows in booze and/or drugs cannot be stressed enough. Soon this will look insignificant to you, as utterly unbelievable as it probably reads now, and you will soon meet a guy who DOES deserve you and you will be happy again. Fortunately for you though, you'll be able to be happy with or without him because every day you're doing something just a little bit better than you did yesterday.
Oct 30, 2008 @ 11:58 pm

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