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I hate my soon to be brother inlaw.. what do i do?


I hate my boyfriends brother.. I've tried tolerating him. but i just can't do it anymore.. what do i do??

my reasoning might not be the best one, I just can't stand the guy, he expects the world to be handed to him and when something doesn't go his way he throws this hugh fit trying to make everyone around him feel sorry for him. he takes and takes, but when you ask him for a favor he never sticks around long enough to follow through with it plus i feel he takes advantage of my guy and doesn't treat him with the respect he deseves..
an example he came over for the night but we needed to support him for that night he stayed.. then my guy asked him to clean out the car(on my guys birthday) and all of a sudden he(the brother) has to get home.. its so important he leaves..

Well i try to be nice to him when he is around, i dont give him dirty looks i talk to him, i offer him drinks, i make sure he's got everything he needs if he is staying the night, i laugh at his crappy jokes and what not..

well today he(the brother) whats to go for a trip to our home town.. my guy needs to drive him.. the brothers covering the gas.. I want to go. so i start making arrangements for me to stay at a friends house when we get there, so they can still chill and have there brother time when they get there.. well.. he stated he doesn't want to go if i go.. saying he doesn't want to spend 4 hours in a car with someone who hates him.. which is understand if i was rude to him when we where around each other and what not.. but its my car too.. :@ point being said.. im home alone while they are gone on their trip.. I said fine i won't go, cause my guy really wanted to go and we couldn't afford to pay for ourselfs to go.. brother got what he wanted again cause he through one of his little tantrums.. me.. i feel like well im pissed off for one, and its sucks being left out uninvited to go.. when i would of loved to see my family and friends.. but because he was paying.. well so i got mad.. told my guy i don't want him at the house any more.. i don't want him anywhere near me.. i don't want to talk to him, nor do i want to see him..

im putting my guy in the middle of me and his brother.. i feel bad.. but i don't know what to do.. I love him, but i can't be around his brother.. what do i do?? how do i fix this? am i being wrong for hating on him just cause i can't stand how he acts? when he never really did anything to me before today..

please help
Feb 11, 2011 @ 08:54 pm

23 Replies


I've been there!!

I've been in your exact situation this past year and have since resolved it. The best advice I can give is to do your best to get along!! :) It's all you really can do!
Jan 05, 2016 @ 06:50 am


What do i do if my bfs brother constantly makes my bf hang out with him and makes mw feel completely unwelcome... Its getting between our relationship. The dudes 26 and my bf is 17 and his brother constantly asks for favors sometimes involving money. And he also never contributes to the household they live in. He blames it all on mental issues but reality is he just needs to grow the fuck up. Its lile my bf has a child. Idk what ti do.
May 10, 2017 @ 03:04 pm


Maybe express yourself to your boyfriend and get him to talk to his brother in law and if not well you can have a chat with your boyfriend and brother and try to fix it without getting nasty
May 11, 2017 @ 01:13 pm

Help :( cannot deal

All of the above applies to me. Except the B.I.L actually did do wrong by me and intentionally cause trouble, lie and make drama. I now cannot get passed it - my bf has pleaded with him to apologise to me and resolve it and he refuses thinks it's a joke. It's been 3 months since it happened - worst part was it happened on our holiday with our friends, that I was nice enough to include him on because I felt bad for him never doing anything exciting or traveling. Deep down I knew it wouldn't work but did not expect this! It has torn my bag apart, but obviously being his brother he can't help but go in and out of hanging and just wanting his brother back, to supporting me and defending the situation and telling his brother how wrong he has been and how he needs to fix it for their relationship and ours. I have already decided and removed myself if I know he will be around, but I am so angry and annoyed with him that even hearing my bf say anything nice about him makes my blood boil and in turn feel differently about my bf. for instance a bday post for him today saying how proud of him he is? Yet he is babied and doesn't step up or take responsibsikity for anything? So obvious sky tht infuriated me. I just don't know how to get past this and at least not cringe and feel angry when my bf loves his bro.... because of course he does - no matter what :(
Jun 25, 2017 @ 07:05 am


I'm sorry you have to go through that with your boyfriend's brother.

As other has mentioned, unfortunately, you chose whom your boyfriend's family is. You also can not control his behavior. The only human behavior you could control is your own.

What I would do is evaluate how important your boyfriend is to you. Do you see a future with this person? As in get married and start a family someday?

If your answer is yes, than I agree with some other poster, sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. I know it's hard to do but you could try starting all over! As in set your boundaries, have a chat with your boyfriend.

At the end of the day, it is his brother and as what I read in your post, your boyfriend seems to value his brother and has a good relationship with him.

I had to go through that with my mom's sister's, it was very tough but as I got older, I couldn't make my mom chose between me or her sister because I love my mom. It's just if my husband were to tell me to chose between me and my brother, to be honest I don't know what I would do because I value my brother and we are close.

I understand, that's not what you are saying is to choose, you are just frustrated with him. The thing is, it's probably more tough on your boyfriend than it is for you. It's stuck right in the middle! It will be even worst for him once you two get married.

That's what I think about when my Mother in Law gets to me. I tell myself that my husband is very supportive of everything I do, I can not put him through this because I know it hurts him because one is wife and the other is his mother. So what do I do, I did tell my husband how I feel, he's aware of it.

I also pressed that reset button and started all over! I see my mother in law is trying as well. Things are getting better. It takes time, but one of you just have to be the bigger person! Good luck and hope that helps.
Jun 25, 2017 @ 08:22 pm


Sorry I meant to say **you can not chose*** not you chose
Jun 25, 2017 @ 08:25 pm

brother in law

Just sounds corny but be false. Smile and be courteous, draw him into a conversation where he can talk about himself. He'll love that. Make him welcome and in time things could really change. It's not worth fretting over and if your husband or boyfriend sees you are trying your relationship will only benefit from it. After all, like they say blood is thicker than water Good luck to you
Jun 27, 2017 @ 12:55 pm

Brother in Law Dr Phil Quote

I skimmed through some comments and noticed the Dr Phil quote.

Now, I am in a similar situation but I don't completely agree with the Dr Phil comment.

As a couple you both have relatives and you both have to set boundaries and stand up to them if they're out of line (obviously not being rude but make sure they know when to back off).

Some people don't have those skills and if anything you should try to encourage the boyfriend and help him with the skills he may lack.

It's not up to the person in the relationship to clean up the mess of the in-laws. It's the who it's related to them to deal with it as they won't listen to the partner.

"The Dr Phil Quote being a hero"
Would just send that person mental. I tried being the better person but I snapped at the brother in-law and he caused us to break up.

If you love your partner, you'll have to build him up to learn those skills and could be a confidence issue.
Aug 10, 2019 @ 06:46 am

I’m original poster

I just wanted to thank everyone for the awesome advice. It’s been 9 years since I posted this, we are married now and well the damn brother in law is no longer a problem.. we ended up living in different cities for a little bit then he got a girl friend and kids and now he’s not so much the same any more. I suppose he’s grown an matured a bit. Was very stressful and painful at the time I was so unhappy with the situation. But I guess with time and space it worked itself out. We(the brother and myself) are not best friends but we can be in the same room with each other without any stress or negativity. Our kids play together and we can talk to each other without it being forced.. it sucks that we have to wait for maturity but I’m thankful it all worked out.

Thanks again for all the help and support. ❤️
Aug 10, 2019 @ 09:42 am

Say adios to your sister (sorry)

My brother-in-law has created such a huge divide between me and my sister, who used to be thicker than thieves. Almost 14 years of trying EVERYTHING under the sun to bridge the gap between us and find common ground (like my two nieces who only have one aunt---me) has left me emotionally depleted and deprived of any kind of relationship with my sister.
Aug 21, 2019 @ 01:08 am

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