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just alittle input please


ok, well i just have a little bit of something on my mind. I have been seeing my guy for nearly 9 months now.. so far things are absalulty amazing. he is a great guy. he cares how i feel he's respect ful, honest, trust worthy. he works hard to provide for me and my daughter, he's respectful to my friends and family. he accepts my daughter as his own. he helps around the house, he does things i wanna do.. i dunno.. he is like a dream come true..

yet i sit here sometimes and i miss my ex. my daughters dad. whom i was with for 9 years. I feel like a fool for it. here is the most amazingest guy anyone could ask for and im sitting here sometimes wishing I could put my family back together with a guy who was the complete oppisite of my  current. he lied, he cheated, he was disrespectful, cruel, emotionally abusive.. was they type of guy whose good looking and makes you feel like u are the luckiest girl in the world to have him. yet so many on the side have him too..

he's changed some. i haven't been with him for 4 years, i sit here and wonder if it would be different would it be better now if we tried again. or would he be the same? we've fooled around over the years when i was single from time to time, he spent the weekend with me and our daughter said he missed me, loved me, was happy with me.. all stuff he never would of said before. but this is while is girl friend was at home with their daughter..  meaning he cheated on her with me... so.. maybe he didn't change that much..

My problem is... why do i even have thoughts of throwing away something so perfect for something that in the end i will probably be just as misserable as i was when i was with him before? why do i miss him? and how do i make it go away so i can just focus on what i have right in front of me??

has anyone else been in this type of situation??
Dec 13, 2010 @ 10:28 am

9 Replies


you said it yourself

He leaves his current gf and daughter home and comes to your bed and
tells you how much he loves you, misses you and is happy with you...
isn't that what he did TO you when he was with you!? Left you home alone
with your baby while he was out fooling around with another woman? How
has he changed at all??

Dec 13, 2010 @ 12:32 pm
Ali de Bold

Don't look back

You are in a far much better situation. If he cheated with you, he has not changed at all. He is being the same bad boyfriend to his girlfriend that he was to you.

I'm sure it's hard because he is the father of your child, but I think you are romanticizing the past and that will get you into trouble. Just accept that it's really hard to get over your first love (good or bad relationship), and let those pangs pass.

Being in a loving and stable relationship with someone who loves and respects you is infinitely better than being in a roller coaster with someone who will ultimately break your heart.
Dec 13, 2010 @ 12:33 pm

No, but...

I think you're possibly "romanticizing" (a term I learned from mamaluv that I now love to use!) your relationship with your ex, especially because you guys were together for 9 years and he is after all the father of your daughter.

I think you'll always have a soft spot for your ex, but you have to stay strong! You know how venomous he was to you. Even if he's changed a little, these things can always relapse. What happens once can always happen again. I think maybe you just need to spend more time with new guy and maybe eventually he will be able to fill that void over time.

It's hard to control your thoughts, and I'm not saying you should force yourself to stay with new guy if you don't have feelings for him, but I definitely think going back to your ex might be a dangerous move...

Stay strong, hun! And I hope you figure this out
Dec 13, 2010 @ 01:09 pm

Absolutely agree

You are seeing your old relationship through rose-coloured glasses. There was a reason (heck, sounds like a whole barnful of reasons) you broke up with your ex, and those reasons haven't gone anywhere based purely on how he's treating his current gf.

I think you have cold feet. You are scared about what seems to be a pretty amazing relationship because of your past. Maybe it's that you're worried it cannot last? Or maybe your current bf is a little more invested in the relationship than you are at this point? As in, you worry that he loves you more than you love him?

Whatever it is, you have to remember that these two relationships are completely separate. From what you've described, it sounds like there is no immediate connection between the two (it would be different if, say, you left your old bf to be with the new guy).

If they are completely separate, then you need to do 2 things:

(1) find a way to put your ex behind you permanently. He will always be a part of your life because of the child you share, and maybe he will even be an amazing dad. However, it does not sound like he'll be an amazing husband, and that is what you need to use as your yardstick right now.

(2) decide on the strength of your current relationship unrelated to the goings-on with your ex if this new bf is the right man for you. If so, then move forward with the relationship with an open heart and open mind. If however you determine that this relationship is deeply flawed and your confusion over your ex is a symptom of that, then you should consider your future very carefully for everyone's sake.

What you should not do is flee back into your ex's arms. He sounds like bad news. Sorry! Just trying to keep it real :)
Dec 13, 2010 @ 01:29 pm
Ali de Bold

Addicted to drama

That reminds me of one other thing that is really important. Are you addicted to the drama from your past relationship? Are you questioning this relationship because it's too easy when the other was so dramatic? It could be that your association with love is very high highs and low lows. Even though those times are horrible to live through you can become addicted to makeups and breakups because that was what you knew as love for 9 years.

That is not love. That is something you have to get over and move on from. Love doesn't hurt. It is patient and kind. It is not self-seeking or easily angered. It is not boastful or proud and does not keep a record of wrong-doings... I think you know where I'm going here ;)
Dec 13, 2010 @ 01:37 pm

im not going back

I am happy where i am, and ya part of me fears he loves me more then i love him, but i do love him, and i know he is the perfect guy to spend my life with.. I just wasn't understanding my feelings, why they are still there. No these two relationships have nothing in common, and i like it like that.. i love that he is nothing like my ex. I had one other relationship after my 9 year one, and it was almost just as bad minus the cheating. The one i am in now.. well i really am happy.. but Ali-de bold, maybe your right, maybe i am just so used to let downs and the drama... which i wish i wasn't.. I won't do anything to mess up my current relationship, I just wish i didn't have these damn feelings inside me, its not right and they shouldn't be there. I am a one guy type of girl I shouldn't have feelings for more then one especially one who really isn't' worth my time. Thank you ladies tho, u have given me some ideas on why i might still think of these things tho. and what i need to do.. thanks everyone
Dec 14, 2010 @ 09:05 am


"but this is while is girl friend was at home with their daughter..
meaning he cheated on her with me... so.. maybe he didn't change that

He cheated on you with someone else and now you are doing the same to this other woman. I'm sure you weren't too happy and didn't feel great when you found out he cheated on you. How could you do that? Maybe you two deserve to be together! I'm surprised nobody else pointed this out....or maybe it's just me.
Dec 14, 2010 @ 11:43 am

Ya i messed up.

Ya I let him cheat on her with me. I know i shouldn't have, i was being selfish.. It hasn't happened since, I figured if he really wanted to be with me really wanted us back in his life he would of fought harde for me, not sleep with me and go back to her. well he didn't leave her. he didn't show me he ment what he said. I let him go and moved on. and trust me it won't happen again.. I just wasn't understanding why i still had feelings there for someone who doesn't deserve them. I wanted these feelings to go away. I don't want to miss him, i want to focus on my life i have now.

Its fine tho, I am happy where i am.. i just wish i could make the other girl understand that she should get out before she gets to far in.. i've heard some stuff that shows me more that he treats her just like he treated me.
Dec 15, 2010 @ 11:29 am

Drama does not equal passion

You have "romaticized" the reasons you aren't with him right on out of your memory and all you can remember now is the good stuff. And now you think he has "changed some" and you are afraid that you will miss out on being with the new improved good him.

These feelings you are having are perfectly normal. Ridiculous. But normal. It happens all the time and 99.9% of the time you wake up a few years older, alone and regretting the decision you made when you "wondered if it would be different would it be better now if we tried again".

"or would he be the same?" With 99.9% accuracy i can tell you that it will be the same. The only difference this time is you wont have that getting to know him honey moon. You know.. the few days/weeks/months where you get to see the fake him that is trying to sell you something. You will jump straight into reality where he is the guy who will cheat on anyone and lie to them about it.

Many confuse drama with passion. In real life passion is much more difficult then it is on TV. You have bills to pay, jobs to go to.. people get tired and out of shape and the list goes on and on. So many will fill that void with drama. Fighting means interaction and the invoking of strong feelings. This gives the illusion of a connectiong being made stronger when its really creating an impenetrable divide between two people. Every instance of cheating, every mean word or slap in the face is permanent writing on the walls that you can never take back or erase. The moment you cheat on someone the relationship is changed forever and the best you can do is pretend your way back to something that appears to be love. Feelings and fantasy are yours to do with whatever you wish. But cheating is an act of disrespect and a violation of trust. Its a non retractable declaration of war against the other person in the relationship. If you see your mate as the enemy i would advise you to break up with them and spare them the humiliation that you have planned for them.

Dec 16, 2010 @ 01:22 pm

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