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Moving in together


After two years of dating, I am elated that my boyfriend & I are planning on moving in together in May 2008. However, and although I am 25 years old, my family strongly disapproves of my decision. They believe I should have an engagement ring on my finger prior to EVER moving in with him. I need some advice of how to make my family relax and realize that THIS is the next step for me, the step BEFORE engagement. Thanks in advance, Michele.
Jan 11, 2007 @ 02:40 pm

12 Replies

Ali de Bold

You're not going to like my advice

My family is the same. I moved in with Alex a couple of months before the wedding because I didn't want to move during exams or after the wedding but aside from that, we didn't live together because I'm a firm believer of 'Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?'

I have a good friend who dated someone she loved for 5 years. They moved in together and she thought they were going to get married. He never proposed and then broke the relationship off by moving away after 5 years of living together. She was totally heartbroken.

Not that your guy would do this to you, but some men (not all) would rather get all of the benefits of marriage without the commitment. I'd wait for that big fat rock. Then you'll have your family's support and you'll know just how serious he is.

'm sure others will disagree with me though.
Jan 11, 2007 @ 05:35 pm


misschickie, I see what you mean. Although I don't have any friends who are getting married anytime soon, studies have shown that couples who move in together before commitment to getting married/engaged are less likely to get married than couples who don't, and wait for engagement or marriage first.

I'm not one to tell you what to do, but I think that you find out his take on marriage.

Ask: What if you didn't move in with him? Would he still eventually want to get married...? And can be see himself being your husband in a few years from now?

Honest, open communication is the key here... (well, anywhere!)
Jan 11, 2007 @ 10:31 pm

moving in before getting married...

This is a toughie. I know many couples who have lived together prior to marriage and up to date about half of them have made it. If it is going to cause a lot of friction between you and your family you may want to hold off on it. Your partner should understand the difficult position you are in and appreciate that you want him and you and your family to get along. If he is truly committed to you and your relationship there is no rush so take your time and maybe hold off on living together prior to marriage...or at the very least engagement.
Jan 11, 2007 @ 10:53 pm

you seem conflicted

Obviously your family's opinion matters to you, or you'd just say "to hell with you" and move on with your life. Ultimately it is your life and you need to have the courage to take hold of your own future.

Having said that, I can only agree with what others have said here. It seems to me that you are sensitive to your family's concerns, maybe because deep down you share them? You say you're planning to move in together in May '08 - honey, setting a date that far down the road actually sounds like an engagement period! You may want to ask yourself WHY moving in together first is for you a necessary step before committing to marriage.

I think your family is just being protective and don't want to see you invest not only emotionally but also financially (think: buying furniture together, etc.) in this relationship with no strong sense of where this is going.

I can understand that as a 25-year-old, you might want to wait a number of years before you feel ready for marriage, but consider that a long-term common-law relationship IS de facto marriage. Breaking things off later on and separating your stuff will feel like a divorce.

I personally would never consider moving in with a guy I wasn't planning to marry. However, this is YOUR life and you need to be at peace with your decisions. If at the end of the day you are clear in your mind and heart about where you and your boyfriend stand, then all you can do is lovingly tell your family to back off. You ask for advice on how to stop them from freaking out. Well, if they're anything like my family, there's nothing you can do except meet their expectations.

Family may sometimes seem misguided, but in my experience they almost always are doing/saying things because they're worried about you and are trying to look out for your best interests. Respect that, because they've been there. One day you'll find yourself spouting off the same wisdom to your own kids.
Jan 12, 2007 @ 07:32 am

Date of Move-In

Oops! I meant May 2007!!!!!! I'm such an idiot sometimes!
Jan 12, 2007 @ 12:46 pm

Product of Divorce..

I can see your point about waiting for the ring, but I have to say...being from a broken home, I would never, ever get engaged until I've lived with someone. It's totally different when you share everything. Everything's on the table, like it or not. Those annoying little habits, are they something you can live with forever?

I think you should talk about your timeline if you have one - ie. maybe live together for a year, and then get engaged if that's still what you want...I think it's the way to go.
Jan 12, 2007 @ 01:36 pm

all that matters is a happy relationship

there is no rule as to what to do to make the best scenario in life; people move in together before marriage and things work out or not but there is no action that quarantees anything; keep living to the rhythm of your own relationship and things will flow naturally
anyway, I quess the ultimate goal is not to be married but to be happy and close together
Jan 21, 2007 @ 08:32 pm

at least you dont have a kid!

I'm in the midst of doing the same thing right now but my story is a little more complicated. I come from a very old school latin background and a very resentful mother. My father and her have lived together for 26 years and are still not married 2 daughters later. I have been with my boyfriend (i dont eve like callin him that anymore) for 6 years and we have a 4 year old little girl together. We had her really young and neither one of us were ready financially for this child but im very pro life so I decided to go ahead with my pregnancy. I have had the undying suppport of my parents and I am still living with them and he is still with his. We are finally stable enough to be able to move out together and afford rent, day care, everyday costs. Even though I've been with him for 6 years I'm still scared of the thought of living with him. Dont get me wrong...I'm looking forward to it, I have been for a long time...but it still scares me nonetheless. My mother is telling me that she doesnt want me to move away with my daughter until I get married. Nothing fancy...even if its just civil....but married. Committed. I've never even had the chance to go away with my boyfriend for a weekend because he has never been accepted in my family and she wants me to marry him?!?!?! I want a chance to live with him first, get to know all those little things he does when I'm not around him....even the gross stuff. I want the commitment, especially for my daughter's sake. It really sucks that I have to get her used to living and waking up to her daddy first. So you never know what lies in the road ahead. I definetly didnt think my relationship would have lasted the 6 years that it has...but we love each other and in the long run thats realy what holds you together. Real love. Good luck to you in your decision. You just have to make sure to let him know that moving out isnt as far as you want the relationship to go. Dont let him get too comfortable :)
Jan 22, 2007 @ 12:06 pm

could go either way

This is where I differ from most of the posts... I agree with Lisa, I could never marry someone I hadn't lived with. Simply because of my first roommate experience in Toronto - which was by far the most cruel and horrific 6 months of my life!

I will be moving into a new apartment with my boyfriend on May 1st, and we have support from both sides. However I have a friend that is still giving me the cold shoulder because she holds strong beliefs you should be married and then move in. Luckily for her she loves being 'wifey' as she calls herself, staying at home cleaning up after him and doing all these household things... I'm basically the opposite!

I work very hard full-time with a full-time business on the side that I run. My boyfriend is pretty much the same working in the recording industry he'll be working almost all the time. So I don't feel we'd have too much of a problem living together... but you can visit someone at their place until your heart's content - but until you live with that person you really have no idea if you can put up with certain things. Of course you may learn to put up with them anyway regardless. But I feel girls today need to know what they're getting into.

So you get married, move in and learn you really are not compatible - it could happen!
Apr 12, 2007 @ 06:29 pm

It's a tough one

I agree with all the posts. I come from a family that doesn't really believe in moving in with someone before you're married (for a number of reasons) but in all other apsects of life are very open and accepting.

I know in the next few years this is something that I am going to face. At the end of the day you have to be happy with your decision - not your friends, not your family. No matter what decision you make your family will still love you.

My main concern with it (for myself anyway) is the legal side, as Mamaluv said, you do eventually become common law anyway so you really need to evaluate and communicate about where you want to be in the future because there is little point in committing to live with someone if the plan isn't to eventually move onto marriage - never assume, always ask!

That's just my opinion anyway.. do what makes you happy but do take the time to really think it out! :)
Apr 13, 2007 @ 06:59 pm

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