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My Best Friend's Crush


My best friend has been mooning over a guy in our circle of friends for years. I liked him on and off too, but never made a move out of respect for her feelings. In fact, I never told her during those times that I did crush on him a little. She has trust issues as it is and I don't know if she'd forgive anyone who tried to move in on her turf.

So during a recent party that she did not attend, I was having some fun, had a few drinks. He was there, the mood was right, and we ended up kissing. After a minute or so I broke it off, saying that I felt weird about it because of my friend. Twist in the plot: she told him recently about her feelings and he had turned her down.

He says that he has liked me for a while and since he didn't date my friend he's not her ex and so the usual rules shouldn't apply. Why should we not see where this leads, he says, especially since he has no interest in her and probably never will?

I'm so conflicted because I feel this amazing connection with him and I know he has never given her reason to hope (she admitted to this recently). Yet it will probably end my friendship. We are super close and I hate to hurt her, but I don't know if I can walk away from him just because she's had this crush.

I know all the basic rules, like you just don't go there, or you should tell her and give her time to adjust before starting something, etc. He doesn't want to wait for her to get over this "betrayal" (as she's likely to see it) because who knows how long it'll take, and really she has no claim on him anyway.

What do you think? Friend or potential soulmate?
Sep 19, 2008 @ 07:30 pm

2 Replies


Go For It

I say to go ahead and go for it with him. There is probably no avoiding hurting your friend's feelings, and that's very unfortunate - but he's not her ex, just a crush. If your friendship is strong enough then she will get over it and everything will be fine. Maybe talk to her about it first and explain how you feel - that you like him and he asked you out and you want to say yes but you're equally concerned for her feelings and your friendship. She'll probably be upset anyway but at least she will know before you guys start dating that's what's going to happen rather than being blind-sided by just hearing about it randomly from somebody else or something.
Sep 20, 2008 @ 08:34 pm
Ali de Bold

Talk to your friend first

Good friendships don't come around every day and it is really important
to value that. Invite her over or take her for a coffee and tell her
the truth. If she's a good friend she will understand and want what is
best for you, even if it hurts at first.

Tell her you are sorry and that you want to be sensitive to her
feelings but that you really feel a connection with this guy. Expect it
to be weird for a bit, but if everyone is careful it should be ok.

It's different if this was someone that she was involved with, but
since she wasn't, there is less of an emotional investment and she
should be able to deal with it.
Sep 21, 2008 @ 06:12 pm

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