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My Boyfriend's friend cheated on his girlfriend and I think I'm responsible


This is going to be long...so I apologize and thank whoever takes the time to read this. 
So we went home for the weekend and were hanging out with my boyfriend's friend, we'll cal him Jim. We went to the bar like half an hour before last call and ordered some beers. I'm pretty sure Jim and our other friend, "Bill", were drinking a lot longer than myself and my boyfriend were and so it's hard to say how intoxicated they were but we didn't think he was that drunk. When we got there we ran into their old high school friend, whom I think Jim had been texting before we left, we'll call her Marge. Marge, I think, was a pretty decent buddy of Jim's in high school, so I think it was innocent at first, the texting...but when we were leaving the bar after last call had hit, Jim and Marge had gotten a head start and were already home before we got back to Jim's house...we couldn't get in the house, so we snuck around the back and when we got in, Bill went downstairs and the lights were off, found out later the one switch didn't work and that's why it was only partially lit downstairs, but they were on the couch together, with Marge's legs apparently on Jim's and apparently Jim's shirt was off...so I guess Bill came back upstairs and was like wtf.. Jim has a girlfriend, their friend, call her Lisa. So I went downstairs not long after to kind of I unno be nosey or interrupt or get Jim. I don't know, but when I got down there Marge was getting ready to leave, and I stupidly was like no you don't have to leave or whatever you don't have to like run off, whatever I said, but when I got back upstairs after and when Jim was upstairs I was kinda like are you ok? Everything good? LIke obviously being a rat like curious if something happened to kinda be like hey now...
But we all went in the hot tub after that, Jim gave me some shorts to wear cause I dind't have a bathing suit and being a girl I wanted to be covered up. Jim was changing too and i was still kinda like just wanna make sure everything's ok and he kept assuring me it was but when I went outside to the hot tub, it was Bill, my boyfriend and myself, and no Jim or Marge...and we were like wtf ...we were out there for probably like 30 mins probably less...and they still didn't come out, finally when Marge came out she did by herself...blah blah blah we all went back inside and hung out in there, but Marge was sitting on the counter and Jim went and stood against her, so I went and  stood against my boyfriend and quietly made my snide remarks about how they were standing ...and then we were leaving and I hinted to the girl to kinda leave too...she had dropped her cell in the hot tub and had it in a bag of rice so I was kinda like here's your phone...don't forget your phone...and when we left she never left Jim's house with us and we were all kinda like wtf wtf wtf, he's making a mistake..but we didn't want to intervene..I unno it was a really awkward situation. 
Now here's the thing...I have a tendency sometimes to black out  when I drink, if it's like a big night out and I get too excited and drink too fast, or if it's been a while or like whatever you know what I mean.
I had a speed bump when my boyfriend and I were frist seeing each other and ran into and old friend, thought everything was fine and stayed behind at the bar when my not then but now boyfriend left and obviously the night didn't end well, I was wasted and went home with the guy..well my now boyfriend asked two days later if anything happened and I told him 
Eventually he agreed to forgive and forget and we became official a while later, but it was hard and I went through some confessing time for like 4 months always paranoid I did something more than I told him about. Well then a couple months later we were in my hometown and went out and we got really drunk, we both blacked out and for a long time i thought maybe I did something and panicked thinking I could've cheated on him and this kind of night has happened again recently, I always get a little paranoid after I drink like that I did something stupid or hurt him like that in some way but only when I black out do I go nuts and it's only near the end of the nights that I barely remember but it stills horrifies me.
So sometimes in some sick way I feel like It makes me feel better, even thought I have no idea and will never know if I did cheat on him while drunk even though we're always together, it makes me feel better if someone other than myself (or the myself that thinks I mess up all the time) messes up and I feel like in some seriously disturbed way I half wanted her to stay or liked that fact it wasn't me in hot water for once and I feel absolutely terrible.
I feel like that night I was just waiting for something to happen and it did. I do feel like I obviously felt bad for him and I obviously don't want people cheating on their spouses but I unno it did make me feel bad because I started thinking about what possible things I could've done while drunk and thought maybe it's a sign that shit like this happens because of booze.  But I still feel bad because I am thinking why am I such an idiot that I obviously knew something was going to happen or had happened or was happening that I was like no no you don't have to leave, stay. Jim even says nothing had happened at that point either...so now I feel completely responsible, because she was embarrassed and uncomfortable and ready to leave and I made her feel comfortable and let her /told her to stay.
Part of me thinks its because I wanted to like "fit in" be cool and calm about it like I won't tell anybody but I hope everythings ok is something clsoe to what I think I said to JIM that night but I'm not sure but I kind of feel like I only said it because I didn't want shit to be awkward because we all came in and busted in on their little hoo-dad and maybe I felt a little bad t hat she was leaving? I kinda doubt it but I kinda don't.  I feel like in the back of my mind I was  enjoying the fact other people fudge up too, even if I didn't, but like I always wonder that if I did do something wrong, if my boyfriend could forgive me for it because we love each other and so another large part of me always is interested in hearing about other people cheating on people and being forgiven for their actions because they love each other. NOw don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning cheating or saying I like it but I like to know that if I did something there's a chance I'd be forgiven and seeing this, Jim already told his girlfriend, Lisa, that he did this, He went over the next morning and so like it's obviously going to be hard for them and I truly truly truly hope they can work it out, I want them to be ok, but I feel selfish because I want them to be ok so I'd know we'd be ok if I ever found out I did something but I also don't want to be responsible for their end. 
I love them both, they're both incredibly nice people but what is so seriously wrong with me, that knowing how I feel all the time thinking that there's a small chance I could've cheated on my boyfriend, that I would allow someone else to do the same? I just don't know what to think of myself. I know me saying for her to stay was horrible. I don't know 100% if what I was thinking when I said it was because I wanted something to happen or I was happy it wasn't me so I like yeah whatever stay who cares...but if I hadn't have said that, nothing or nothing more would have happened and he wouldn't be going through this right now. His girlfriend wouldn't be hurting and they would be just as perfect as they always are. I was always envious of how perfect they were and knowing I played a part in that kills me. I just don't want anything I said to him , like I'm hoping I wasn't like I won't tell anybody, go have fun...I think I was just like everything ok? I won''t say anything I jsut wanna make sure, I unno...I'm driving myself crazy thinking I ruined this and it's not like I invited her back from the bar with us, I don't think, that was all Jim but I could have run down and been like Get the hell out of here to her and saved his night and conscience from a whole lot of pain. I know I wasn't the only one there who let it happen but no one else was like nah she's cool to stay...like they were all teasing her and everything and I wasn't necessarily being nice to her after but like wtf do I do,. I already apologized to Jim for telling her to stay and letting this happen and how everything will work out and I hope he's ok...but I don't know, I know my boyfriend feels bad and I told him how I was like no stay, and he doesn't really respond..but do I tell him how I'm feeling? He knows I get paranoid when I drink about stuff with him and I but do I tell him how horrible of a person I am to have had these thoughts? I didn't really feel this way until the next day and my conscience started digging but I know that it's natural because I did something wrong. 
Do I tell Jim that I take full responsibility? I know I wasn't the one who did that that night but if I had have just let her leave I feel like she would've and nothing more would have happened...if I had've just bugged out and not been nosey...maybe I just wanted someone to talk to about what I'm going through and if he did something, we could talk about it together?
What do I do...should I do an eye for an eye...tell my boyfriend how I'm feeling and what my thoughts are and how horrible of a thing to do this was by allowing this, he'll probably think I'm nuts and evil and dump me and then he can console his friend and I'll take what blame I deserve and his friend and his girlfriend can heal ? Or what would you do...what would you think...
Mar 25, 2013 @ 12:58 pm

8 Replies


You are not responsible for Jim's actions

As much as you feel like you played a part in what happened, the reality is that Jim was the one making the ultimate decision to cheat on his girlfriend. Even if you/your boyfriend/Bill had said something to Jim, it seems like whatever transpired between them was likely to happen anyway.

I repeat: this is not your fault. Your friend made some horrible choices and the onus is on him here for destroying his relationship.
Mar 25, 2013 @ 01:56 pm

Thank you

I know the choice was his..I just feel like if I had have minded my own business and not gone downstairs/said a thing, maybe she would've been embarrassed enough by our arrival, knowing he has a girlfriend of two years...she would've gone home. This all could have been avoided. I do appreciate your reply, and taking the time to read my novel of guilty confessions, and your support...I just can't shake this feeling.
Mar 25, 2013 @ 02:03 pm

Definitely not your fault!

Stop stressing! It's completely NOT your fault. He made his own decisions, and it's his full responsibility. You can't play God for your friends, you just have to let them be. If "Jim" has already told his girlfriend about the indiscretion also, it means he knows he messed up, and hopefully like your boyfriend, she will be able to forgive and forget and they can continue being happy.

Especially if you were all drunk (to the point of blacking out), trust me, you coming in and saying "oh you don't have to leave" would not have made any impact on them regardless! So although you may feel responsible because you were there while it happened, you didn't do anything wrong and there's nothing you can do to change what went down.

Also, you keep saying you feel guilty because you were "secretly wishing" for Jim to mess up or something....and I think you may still be harboring a lot of guilt about cheating on your boyfriend when you guys first started dating. It's normal to feel guilty and regret things, but you said your boyfriend forgave you ... do you really think he did? Or do you think he still holds it against you? (I'm only saying this because you kept mentioning you wanted to see someone else mess up in the same way, so you know other people make mistakes, and see how they handle it!)

So just know that we're all human, we all mess up. Some more than others, but no one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect (even if it looks like it on the surface). So maybe talk to your boyfriend about these feelings, and if you guys are really in love he'll be able to understand, and he'll give you the support you need.

Best of luck!
Mar 25, 2013 @ 02:53 pm

thank you

I hope you're right...it sounds right but I'm also hoping for those answers, that night though, that he cheated on his girlfriend, I wasn't black out though...like I was fairly sober, obviously not sober but I mean I was drinking fairly slowly and we were all really aware of what was going on, so to me it's not like it was just drunk like "ohhh no stayy" it was just me being a dumbass...like we were obviously drunk I just don't remember feeeling that drunk, maybe because of the situation?
I unno. I am definitely going to talk about my feelings to my boyfriend tonight...I just suck at speaking, it's so easy to just write it down...let him take it in and hear what I have to say no interruption than to be like blah blah blah and get scared and not say all I need to...
I thank you so much for your support though, I know we all make mistakes...I've made so many...my conscience just refuses to let me forget them...I just feel lost inside myself like there's some puppet commander and I'm just being tossed around...I just don't feel like myself ever anymore. Like I can't trust my own thoughts, actions or motives...it's all like back and forth, good and bad. I hope he'll understand what I have to say...it just seems like it's a really dark outcome/topic.
Mar 25, 2013 @ 03:54 pm

Not you, but I'm not sure that's the point

I'm trying to decide if you're more upset at not doing enough to prevent the suspected cheating or your own issues with acting impulsively while drinking. I'm not your mom and don't need to tell you that this habit could lead to some unfixable situations down the road - you already know that. Nor am I your doctor to tell you of the damage you're doing to your body or could do if you're careless while drunk.

I get the sense that you're trying to feel better about your actions by becoming aware that we're all flawed. This is of course true.. but isn't the better solution to fix the problem rather than look for evidence that we all screw up from time to time?

Basically what I'm getting at is that I think deep down you're mad at yourself for past decisions and "Jim" is just a side issue. You're trying to punish yourself for letting Jim screw up but what you really should be doing is (a) forgiving yourself and (b) stop putting yourself in situations where you'll repeat past mistakes.

Jim's gonna do what Jim's gonna do. You might have shamed Marge into leaving but Marge wasn't the one cheating (at least, you didn't mention her having a relationship). Did you react perfectly and ideally? I'm not sure ANYTHING you could have done would have been ideal. The very fact that Jim brought another girl back to the house and was starting to get busy is already cheating in most people's minds.

Please girl, take care of yourself! Lots of people sleep around while they are smash-faced, but there are also plenty of women who get raped, robbed, and worse while they are drunk too. No one here wants you to become a statistic! Let Jim fix his own messes. Since he's confessed to his GF, it sounds like he's trying (for what that's worth). You need to work on yourself.

Mar 25, 2013 @ 03:55 pm

You're right

You are right. I need to fix myself, I know I've got a lot of issues right now and it's all stemming from that one time I messed up before in this.
I guess maybe I never really healed from it, like LissaG pointed out, although I don't think he necessarily holds it against me I just think it's the first time something like that ever happened to him and with my months of thinking I was helping by confessing things that didn't even pertain to our relationship, I guess I never really let him forget about it and that definitely caused tension and since I still worry about things like that.
We've both decided to not really drink anymore, he for health, and myself for health in a whole, mind and body. He also feels guilty for what happened with 'Jim' and 'Marge' because we were all there.
Like you've said, I shouldn't keep putting myself in these situations where mistakes like being overly impulsive while drinking can occur.
I haven't exactly told him why I feel so guilty for telling that girl to stay but I've told him that and I'm trying to figure out how to bring up why because I keep chickening out. I just feel so horrible for having those thoughts. I tried meditating to receive some "higher" sense of the situation...but I can't seem to focus.
I just wish I had never let myself, ever, get to the point of blacking out, so much that I can never remember those nights again. My brain has a tendency to try and fill in the blanks, especially if I see someone I work with look at my weird or like do things they wouldn't normally do, or if they notice me and keep looking, I assume that I must have seen them while I was intoxicated to the point of no control and I must have done something vile. It becomes extremely difficult because then I feel guilty, not knowing, thinking these are memories and not illusions my ego has created, although I feel like they are because with this specific person, they've always kinda irritated me, and the fact I asked my boyfriend if I disappeared for any length of time. But we still made it home together, there was no tension, he clearly doesn't think I did anything and trusts me 100%...so I am hoping/thinking these are just my imagination sneaking up and filling in where my actual memory cannot. I unno. Sorry I changed the topic.
I believe the love I have for him and the panic about these things would, hopefully, in any drunk state, prevent me from doing so. Hell I feel bad if I look at someone and have a human thought.
Anyway. I appreciate all your help so very much. I know two main reasons for guilty things on my conscience is allowing my self to get to that state knowing my history, knowing I've had my "one chance" to make this relationship work and be true...and allowing someone else, well knowing of surroundings, to make that same mistake...
P.s 'Lisa' took 'Jim' back...we found out last night, which is a huge weight off, but still a painful bump iin their relationship, so I hope they both can forgive and forget like they've agreed and continue on their truly happy path...because this was an incredibly out of character step for 'Jim' to make and he deserves a second chance from her, not trying to say that in a bias tone, truly mean it...
Mar 27, 2013 @ 11:26 am


I just realized so many grammatical errors...so I apologize if that seems confusing at times or incorrect.
Mar 27, 2013 @ 11:30 am

He's to blame.

He's a big boy, and I'm sure that he knows the difference between right and wrong.

Mar 27, 2013 @ 12:08 pm

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