Newly Married but No Sex

Anonymous

He's affectionate with me, feeds me, laughs with me and is good to me.  But he doesn't kiss me and there's no action after dark.  We live like roommates.  This is breaking my heart and putting a huge rift in my feelings towards him.  I try to kiss him and he doesn't exactly push me away but he doesn't try to prolong it either.  When we're at home he makes himself completely unavailable by either being on the computer skyping with family and friends or eating or going to sleep.  He's always "so tired".  He goes to sleep facing the other way.  If I try to hug him, he'll hug me for a little while but that's it.  He knows that I didn't have a sexual relationship with my ex and I later found out it was because my ex was getting some on the side.  He knows this.  I don't know what to think.  Does he just find me completely unattractive?  Is he getting some on the side too?  I don't see him as cheating on me.  But perhaps he fell in love with someone else and doesn't love me anymore?  Perhaps he finds me physically unappealing?  I can't explain to you how this is hurting me inside.  I went through a really hard time in my first relationship and there were many many years between the ending of that one and the beginning of this.  I am so incredibly hurt... I don't know how this threads sounding but I'm fighting back tears as I'm writing this.  I'm already extremely insecure in my ability as a partner in a relationship.  Then for this to happen..

The other night I couldn't take it anymore and I just told him how I felt.  I told him that I don't see the difference between a long distance relationship and ours.  We have a good companionship that we can enjoy equally over the phone.  There's no physical aspects either way.  If he feels he can find a better job elsewhere then he should start looking (earlier that day he'd asked me what I'd do if he found a good paying job elsewhere).  He was hugging me at the time and he said how if he's not with me he won't be able to hug me.  I told him 'so what?'.  What's a few minutes of hugging worth?  When was the last time you kissed me?  He couldn't say.  And I told him very honestly that I don't remember either.  The last time we had sex was more than a month ago.  This isn't life.  I told him that maybe he has someone else, maybe he finds me unattractive, maybe he loves someone else?  Whatever the reason, this isn't life.  It's better for him to start looking for a job elsewhere and move there.  I won't cause any problems for him.  I'm not the type who causes problems for anyone.  But there's no reason to put his life on hold while he waits for..for what?  I don't know what he's waiting for, but this isn't how life's supposed to be.  I told him all of this.  He didn't defend himself or deny anything. 

I want to have a blow out with him where I force him to tell me who it is.  I don't know why but I feel that there's someone else.  I need him to be honest and tell me who.  I think it's someone at his work.  Or perhaps someone he knew from his past?  Either one or the other.  I'm leaning towards his work though.  Our relationship wasn't like this all the time. In fact when we first got married, he introduced me to sex (was both of our first times) and he couldn't (seem to) get enough of me.  I really think he fell for someone else and I think it's at his work. 

What should I do?  I don't want to do the whole email hacking thing.  What else can I do? 

mamaluv

wow

Wow, girlfriend, that is tough! I give you big props for trying to clear the air - that must have taken guts.

I have been married for a long time and there have been times in our marriage where inexplicably he lost his mojo for me. I have also lost my mojo for him at times. There would be times when we'd come together because we knew that we should, not that we necessarily were hot for each other at the time.

So it can be a normal phase that will pass; however it also can point at some bigger problem. A lot of guys aren't talkers and most of the time I'd defend that - they shouldn't have to go so far out of their comfort zone if we women aren't willing to sit outside of ours (ie. keep conversations to the minimum and about what's for dinner). But in this case it seems to be a situation where he's going to have to tell you outright what is his problem.

Maybe it's something that does not threaten your relationship as such (eg. if he's experiencing some physical discomfort during sex, or if he's self conscious about his moves or his body?). Maybe he's just "not feeling it" - that was my line when I went through the last no-sex spell.

And maybe there is Someone Else. Whatever his answer, only you can decide if you believe it - but try to look beyond your hurt or indignation and see if you can objectively learn what the problem actually is.

I sincerely hope for you guys that it's harmless. The fact that he seems to be a good husband in many other ways looks like a good sign. Either way you both need to get to the bottom of this.

*hugs*

AlexJC

Difficult Situation!

Take a deep breath and just relax for one minute. It could just be nothing! Like @mamaluv said, there are times in a marriage when either one or the other partner just isn't feeling it. Try going with that route first, ask if there is anything you can do, maybe he just needs some time! Being newly married and being that you were each your firsts, there must be some overwhelmed feelings on both your parts.

Don't jump ahead to leaving him or telling him to leave just yet though! Giving ultimatums or making decisions like that in this time when you are feeling so unsure can't be good. I do think that a good, real discussion with both of you participating is a good thing- don't go with the blowout idea just yet. There is a time and a place for everything, take it slow for now and play the part of a supportive partner.

If this doesn't work, then confront him I think. You could also ask him to go to couple's therapy. The important part is to remember that you are not unattractive and you deserve to have love, feel that love and be secure in it! Good luck!!! Let us know how it works out!
xxoo

Anonymous

Don't Blame Yourself!

Honey, I don't want you to blame yourself for what's going on in your marriage. I know this is an extremely difficult situation you are currently going through but know that you are a strong woman (you're obviously facing the situation and trying to do something about it!) and you can get through this and make your marriage stronger. Keep communicating your feelings and try to get him to do the same. I know it's very hard to keep your emotions in check when you feel so hurt but try not to start an argument- he'll probably shut down even faster and you'll not get the answers you're looking for.

I know that the first thing you think is "what's wrong with me? why doesn't he desire me?". I just want you to know that you should NOT blame yourself. If you are trying to show affection and love and he isn't reciprocating, then really it is his problem. Just be patient, understanding and supportive and you can help him through this There are so many reasons he may not want to have sex right now. Some of them have been mentioned by the women who posted before me, I'll just mention some that came into my head too.

1.)He may have body issues or performance issues. Especially since he hasn't been with other women, he may feel inadequate.
2.)He may be stressed and preoccupied with something (maybe something at work or something like finances).
3.)He may be overtired and really not in the mood for sex.
4.)He may be worried that he could get you pregnant and he could be scared to become a father. As you are the first woman he's been with, I could see this as a factor.
5.)He could be gay. I'm sorry to say this one but it could be true. He could have been denying his feelings about his desire for men.
6.)He could be having an affair. Although, as you said you are his first so this seems unlikely to me.

There are so many things that could be contributing to this whole situation- and as you see, none of them are about you, they are all about him. You'll never know the reason unless you can be open with one another. Try to see things from his side too- he may be terrified to express his emotions to you. Take it slow and just be honest but think twice before you say something you can't take back. Perhaps, as someone suggested, a therapist could help you to get through this rough patch. The real key is open and honest communication- don't let things fester for too much longer as you will only become more hurt and it will get harder and harder for you both to start a dialogue about these problems.

I wish you well and I hope you resolve things soon. Good Luck to you!

PENN123

Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars

I just read a book that explained that men are like rubber bands. They have to go out and be alone and have distance. . . during this time- they realize how much they love and need their women. Women react by trying to get closer when the rubber band goes out- instead we have to give the man space and let him come back on their own. Men have to be understanding that that women might need a little time to warm up- some conversation and romance.

mamaluv

Venus & Mars

I have to recommend Men are from Mars too! It's a little oversimplifying, but the core is absolutely true. We women expect men to think like we do and vice versa. However, we're hard-wired differently. Sure there are always exceptions, but in my experience, there are some very basic truths there.

It may not address your specific situation, but it will certainly be helpful when it comes to communication and meeting your partner's needs. The 5 Love Languages is another great book that addresses the "meet his/her needs" angle.

Someone's bound to come on this forum and suggest the Bitch book too, but since I haven't read it I can't really comment on that one. There are many different ways to deal with your situation, but I would caution you to use a gentle and conciliatory approach especially if it's some sort of insecurity that's the root cause of all of this.

Anonymous

the talk

He sat me down and kept me seated (when I was very embarrassed and wanted to walk away) and we talked about *that night* and the things I said. He asked me repeatedly and convinced me it was okay to tell him what's in my mind, regardless of what it is he won't get mad... so I told him. The whole thing. How I suspect him of cheating on me, either with someone from his past or from someone from work. Really more than suspect, I was pretty convinced he was cheating on me. Why else would a guy not want to get physical with his wife? I told him how I know he's not attracted to me and doesn't find me sexually appealing, how I don't turn him on, and I told him that if that's the way he feels then he needs to move on with his life and not stick around waiting.

Anyways... very embarrassing conversation, let me tell you.

He let me talk and get it all out. He listened very seriously, and (I think) he realized how far i take things in my mind. He really (seemed to) pay attention to everything I said and listened without saying anything. Once I was done he told me that okay now let me tell you my side... and proceeded to tell me the few reasons why he's not been physical for so long. He started off reassuring me that he's extremely happy in our marriage. He said he has the best wife (his words!), the best mother/father/brother in laws who all love him so much (his words, honest), his own family is so happy with his wife and in laws. He has a happy family all in all, why would he ruin that by degrading himself into doing something so nasty as cheating (his own words)?? He had several reasons why we weren't physical, some of them are his own fault (which he's the first to acknowledge) and some are mine, and some are both of ours. Left up to me, I'd probably not have had the talk. At the beginning I was mortified. 'Cuz he made me start off the conversation. I mean really how was I supposed to feel? "I'm heartbroken 'cuz you won't have sex with me"?? But I'm very happy he sat me down and had the talk. I feel much better, and much reassured! :)

Anyways since the talk our relationship is much improved! In fact we're back to how we were before. I'm making a bigger effort to avoid the things he doesn't like, and I'm noticing that he's making himself more available when at home.

I really do have trust issues. The smallest thing can happen and I'll convince myself that he's cheating on me, deceiving me, waiting to stab me in the back. I guess it's cuz of my past, I have a really hard time believing in anyone. I'm trying to fix that but I think only time can help heal that. At this moment I can't seem to help myself from taking things to the extreme in my mind and jumping to conclusions. I'm glad he (so far) he's being patient with me and very understanding, taking the time to force me to say what's on my mind and reassure me. I really appreciated that he didn't just give me empty reassurance "no honey everything's fine, you're just imagining it" bullshit. I'm glad, regardless of how embarrassing it was, that he told me what the actual problems were on his end. Makes me feel that he takes us, and how I feel seriously. He's not just brushing it off as nothing. And it helps me to believe him.

Everything is so good right now between us!

Thank you girls SO MUCH for responding ... I was really going out of my mind and feeling such a physical ache in my heart, and all of your responses really helped me feel that it could be something else, and mostly, regardless of what happens, that I'm not alone.

AlexJC

Glad it worked out!

I am so happy that you are reassured and feel more comfortable in your relationship! I am also very glad to hear that he was NOT cheating.

It seems like you are kind of touchy about the subject of sex and who isn't of course? But you should really relax and let go! He is your husband now, you can tell him anything!

beachbabe

Yes yes!

So glad everything is working out for you!

Mamaluv suggested a book called The 5 Love Languages. I definitely recommend that book! Or at least doing the quiz here.

It goes by the idea that each person gives/feels love primarily in one of 5 ways. These being:
1- Physical touch
2- Acts of service
3- Gifts
4- Words of affirmation
5- Quality time

We had to do this for our premarital counselling and it was so interesting. The quiz will rank each love language for you so know which one you need most and which one isn't that big of a deal to you. Then your spouse knows what they can do to make you feel the most loved and vice versa. It's really nice to know that my husband is physical touch first and foremost. Gifts is last for him. So I could buy him all the presents in the world but ultimately he feels the most loved when I give him a hug and kiss when he gets home from work or snuggle on the couch. Definitely worth looking into :)

AngelinaRosaries

Men are not psychic, they cannot read minds.

so glad it make you feel better.
few years back, i also over-think the relationship.

A bit of overwhelming for the guy - marriage and all.

took him long time before he digested it.

took me long time to understand why he sometimes ignore me.

just because I was silent, and never opened up, he did not feel the need to open up.

for some reason, I dislike him...and i did not like the feeling of disliking him. So, i spilled everything and we have a very long winded talk.
Since them, small or big issues, we promise each other to talk it out.
And keep talking to keep "us" alive.

lessons I learned:

Men are not psychic. they cannot read minds.

learn to like your husband, show him how you like him.
chances are, he will like you back.
(believe me, hubby has annoying habits that drive me to the wall, but we are married, right? ) so talk...let it out!

good luck to you...marriage is a work in progress.

Angie

mela86

Great news

I'm so glad you were able to talk this matter out. I don't think there is a Marriage that exists that doesn't have an issue or two, but it's how the people involve decide to treat the issues that make the difference.
Beachbabe, thanks so much for that link, I did the quiz and learned some things about myself which I told my husband about, I think the better I understand myself, the better I'm able to help him understand me.