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Over-confident man gril with low self esteem: can it work?


Can any good come from a relationship where the girl has major confidence issues and her boyfriend is the complete opposite (high self-esteem by the bucketload)? Opinions please! x
Jan 19, 2012 @ 06:32 am

10 Replies


that depends

Wow, this kind of question really would need the context of more information. But for the sake of generalizing comments (therefore take with grain of salt), here's what I think:

1. an overconfident person is usually very insecure. They are all swagger and brash statements to cover up the fact that they have low self-esteem. Often, they build themselves up at another's expense. I know someone who's overweight dating an overweight girl "but at least I'm funny and fat", he says.

2. there are different kinds of confidence. There is the quiet self confidence of someone who believes in him/herself and exudes trust and good judgment. These are the people whose advice you trust (and you know the difference between ppl whose advice you seek and ppl whom you actually listen to). Then there is the in-your-face cocky confidence of someone who can't stop talking about how great they are, how accomplished and smart, how you should listen to their advice on any subject. I then refer you to point #1.

3. there's nothing inherently wrong with being with someone who is your opposite, as long as your differences complement each other's strengths (not to be confused with "compliment"). There will be times in every relationship where you have to lean on your partner, and later, he'll have to lean on you. There's nothing wrong with that.

4. if you have low self esteem and your partner is overconfident as in point #1, this is a form of co-dependence expressed in opposite ways. Some co-dependent pairs work really well together, while others are just helping each other drown.

Now we get into specifics - what is the relationship like in terms of the way the two of you interact with each other? (I'm assuming you're talking about yourself right now) Does the overconfident one belittle, patronize, or otherwise make the self-conscious one feel worse about him/herself? Or is this just a case of a very happy and content person who simply has few problems at the moment and the insecure one is just struggling to catch up?
Jan 19, 2012 @ 11:41 am


If the guy is a NICE guy with high self esteem, he can perhaps, by example, teach his girlfriend confidence. When a guy is truly self confident and secure, he tends to be a nice guy. It's good to hang out with people like that because they tend to lift up your own spirits, bring up your self esteem and by association you somehow become more like them. It's like, when you hang out with happy, positive people you become happier. When you surround yourself with negative mopey people, they tend to drag your heart down.

Now the confusion starts when insecure guys pretend confidence. Hanging out with those idiots is a disaster! Their "high self esteem" mixed with their internal insecurity means they talk themselves up and talk the girlfriend DOWN.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 11:41 am

Thank you ladies :)

Thanks for your comments, ladies. Both very helpful. It never even crossed my mind that confidence could be used as a cover for insecurity. The good news is that the confident person in question is very nice, happy-go-lucky and has bags of energy. I really don't think he's trying to cover up any issues. He rarely gets down, is very uplifting and loves to joke around. My problem is that I'm shy and not as playful. I'm just worried he will get bored and look elsewhere. Looks like I'm the insecure one! :S

Jan 20, 2012 @ 08:39 am

an opportunity

I'm thrilled to hear that he's a good guy :) But instead of worrying that he will get bored and leave you, why not think of this as an opportunity to grow?

Growing up, I was painfully introverted. Dorky, late bloomer, prissy, you name it. Needless to say, I had very few friends all the way through Junior High School. I switched from the public school system in Grade 9 to a private High School starting in Grade 10, so while I knew a few kids at the new school, I was definitely the "new kid". Which, if you're already a prissy, introverted dork is kind of like a nuclear cootie bomb (yes, you can still have cooties when you're 14).

Quickly realizing that (a) I would never find my groove, and (b) no boy would ever look at me twice, I made the deliberate decision to loosen up. I forced myself to be more extroverted, I paid more attention to dressing fashionably, and actually attended school events (dances, etc). It was so hard, and I worried that I'd lose my identity - what made me unique/special. I was also determined not to compromise on my morals.

It turns out that I had nothing to worry about. I found my now BFF and started to have fun. I dated. I grew my circle of friends. I even ended up marrying my extremely popular, first-string basketball and volleyball player husband! But I was still "me" - still studious, still safe in my morals, yes a little goofier, but I think it was a change for the better.

You know, I still have to amp myself up sometimes before going into a crowded room. People think I'm very extroverted, but deep down I'm still a shy wallflower. But I've discovered that I can express this more outgoing side of my personality and have fun with it.

Pretending to be more confident than I actually felt has made me more confident overall. "Fake it 'til you make it" is a dangerous phrase when misapplied, but in my case, it turned out to be a gamechanger.

So after this long ramble, my advice to you is this: take this opportunity to learn from your guy how to be more loosey-goosey. If such a confident, self-assured guy is interested in you, you should take a ton of confidence from that. It's really hard to break old habits like learning how to put yourself out there more, but I guarantee you you're worth the effort :)

Jan 20, 2012 @ 09:01 am


Wow, that's so great to hear. I was exactly the same at school and now I'm much more outgoing but still nowhere near as outgoing as my boyfriend. I think you're right though - I should fake it until it's second nature (but try and stay true to myself) and look to him for inspiration.

Thanks for that, it's really made me think:)
Jan 20, 2012 @ 09:58 am

Who knows?

They say opposites attract.

May 06, 2012 @ 10:29 pm

Great advice

This is such a great thread and Ali gives some very sound and compelling advice! I completely agree with what she advises
May 07, 2012 @ 10:57 am

I married him

My husband was/is overconfident and I am shy, and have low self esteem, it was a bit different at first when dating as I was always so jealous. He also gave me some reason to be but I won't get into that. But them we broke up because of this and later got back together than after being treated not so well I finally stuck up for myself grew some self worth and told him I will not put up with being treated like this as I am your equal not less. After he seen me out with a friend and a pilot with big muscles that wanted to date me he realized he could lose me and called me before I even had a chance to wake up the next morning. He swore things would change and they did and a few months later he proposed, I still have low selfesteem especially after going from 95lbs ripped to bigger after having kids but he picks me up so it's actually great for me to have him!
May 07, 2012 @ 11:40 am


Me and my boyfriend have alternated between being the less confident one in the relationship. Sometimes we all need some kind words to help boost ourself confidence. Everyone gets down, as long as you aren't bringing each other's confidence down then you're fine. Sometimes I have no problems being outgoing and chatting up people I don't know personally. Don't do anything or put up with anything that makes you feel worse about yourself.
May 16, 2012 @ 10:44 am


GURLLLLL havent you ever heard of opposites attract?

gurl i think that its ok becoz big differences can make big attractions and big relationships. things always work out u know. dont u ever see shorter boys dating girls? that should be enough proof thats it's ok even though u guyz r different.
all that matters in the end is dat u guys get along with each other and accept each others differences and flaws.

May 17, 2012 @ 03:10 am

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