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Relationship Advice..old flame is back....


Hi everyone..I'm new here and look forward to spending some time but first I need some advice.

A few years ago I had an "open relationship" with a good friend which lasted about 3 years. Everything was beautiful, we spent many wonderful moments together but in the end we went our separate ways...he met someone else...keep in mind it was an open relationship and that we were both allowed to date other ppl. Unfortunately, I kinda fell for him more than he did for me.

Present time: The relationship he had with the other woman didn't last...it ended about 1 yr ago and in between we always remained just friends...but lately he's been dropping hints to me that maybe we should get together.....I was over him...I even dated someone after he and I split up but all of his recent talk has brought back old feelings....and now I'm scared to start something with him again...I think this time he want's to be exclusive but I'm not sure...and I don't know how to approach him....I'm still hurt that our relationship ended a few years ago....(he didn't do anything wrong)...but inside me I feel like he did. Any advice on how I should approach this? I do want to be with him...but this time I don't want it to be open...but I don't know how to tell him..arghhhh I'm confused.


Jan 04, 2009 @ 12:59 pm

42 Replies

Ali de Bold

Stay away

So he's lonely now and wants to play? If he really cares about you and wants to be with you in a committed relationship he will tell you. Until you get any such confession from him stay far away. You have feelings for him and it probably took a long time for you to get over that. Hooking up again will only undo all of your progress and what's to say he won't move on again when he meets someone else?

He had his chance with you years ago and decided not to take it. Don't give him that opportunity again. If he's the right guy for you he will have to win you back.
Jan 04, 2009 @ 01:30 pm

You are right....

Very good advice....I had the opportunity to sleep with him a few times lately and I didn't because I wasn't sure of myself.( I only kissed him for a few secs on christmas eve)...on a few occasions...(even in front of friends) he's joked around with me like "so when are we going to vegas to get married" and I've been like yeah yeah right I don't believe you etc..and he's like no I'm serious...but I laugh it off cause in my head I'm like...Yeah when did you wake up and realize you loved me...(he's never told me either)..maybe it's his way of telling me something...I don't know...but either way you are right...it took time for me to get over him the first time and I don't want to lose the progress I've made....I just wish he told me what he wanted on his own without me going into this " I want to have a discussion with you" thingie....
Jan 04, 2009 @ 02:03 pm

Make him work for it...

I do believe people deserve second chances, but not without making them work hard for it!  Since you were in an open relationship, and at the time you didn't even stand up for yourself or your feelings, I wouldn't suggest you just say no to him without thought. 
I wouldn't suggest hooking up with him until you know exactly what his intentions are and what he wants out of a relationship with you.  Obviously you are wanting something a lot more committed and serious than last time around and if he isn't willing to give that to you, then I would walk away from him even if you still have some feelings for him.  

Another big thing, what do YOU want?  Forget about him, I think you need to figure out exactly what would make you happy before you even consider his "jokes" or "suggestions"

If at the end of it all you want to give it a shot, make sure you know where he stands even if that means having an uncomfortable talk because it would be much better to have that chat then be hurt like you were last time! 

Good luck! 
Jan 04, 2009 @ 05:45 pm
Ali de Bold

Men and expressing their feelings

...is an oxymoron. Some men can do it, but most would rather claw their eyeballs out than have a 'discussion about our relationship'.

The best way to see how he feels about you is by his actions. His 'jokes' about eloping in Vegas are not appropriate. He should first tell you that he has feelings for you and that he made a mistake by letting you go in the first place. This has to come from him of his own will, not from you prying it out of him.

If I were you...

Be busy. Very busy. Spend a lot of time with your good friends, family and basically anyone but him. Don't see him or take his calls for a couple of weeks. Don't return his messages. If you do see him (by accident!) do NOT kiss him. He will soon realize you are not at his beck and call and freak out. He'll probably start to call you a lot.

Eventually (say, after 2 weeks?) take his call here and there but only speak for a few minutes. Tell him you are so happy to hear from him but you are just quite busy. If he asks you to get together, make him wait a little. Ask him what he wants to see you for and tell him you are no longer looking for casual relationships. He will either beg for you back or just fall away. Either way is good. Better to have him in your life 100% than just killing time until his next girlfriend comes along.
Jan 04, 2009 @ 05:53 pm

wow such great advice so far.....

I have been trying hard not to pick up the phone and call him....but I will return his message if he does call me back....just not right away...I'm now good at that. And in the past month there were moments where he invited me over to his house for "drinks" and I didn't go over...I never gave a reason...I just never called to say I was coming over. I think that I'm also upset with him because the last time around (even though we had an open relationship) he didn't pick me...and I sort of feel like sloppy seconds now. My feelings for him were resolved...and I was dating someone else....I looked at him like a brother and we were both happy...until now...where he has been trying to start things over....I just can't believe that these feelings are back...damn :-( Over the holidays I did go over to "chill" out a few times...and I always left a few hours later saying "thanks I had a good time". In the past I would ALWAYS sleep over, so I'm pretty sure he's noticed a difference in me. He even mentioned to me once that I've changed...(it was in a good way).The main question here is I don't know if he wants to be with me 100% or just kill his time till the next girl comes along....I guess time will tell. But like I said...I don't want to be the one to bring up the discussion....I prefer he at least open up the subject...and I think the next time he does.(makes a joke about us getting married etc)..maybe I'll just start off with something...I just don't know what....any advice on how to approach this and what to say next time he gives me an opening...I don't want to sound like I am desperate to him.
Jan 04, 2009 @ 07:53 pm
Ali de Bold

Be to the point

If you must address this with him (even though it sounds like he doesn't deserve this from you)....
Guys like to get to the point.  Just ask him point blank what he wants from you: "Do you want to be with me in a committed relationship or were you hoping for what we had before?"

If he can't answer the question or skirts around answering it directly he is really saying he's hoping for more action with no strings. Even the most uncommunicative boob should be able to tell you he wants to be with you.  Don't make excuses for him, don't try to interpret what he says, take it exactly as he says it.  If he says he just wants to see how things go, go.  Leave him alone to find someone else who doesn't mind being 'good for now'.  If he tells you that he has feelings for you and wishes he had chosen you in the first place then and only then should you consider giving him a second chance.  That part is up to you.  Good luck!

Jan 04, 2009 @ 08:23 pm


Perfect..I think this sums it all "Do you want to be with me in a committed relationship or were you hoping for what we had before?"

Just one question: Why do you think he doesn't deserve this from me...after all we were in an open relationship and he never lied to me....this is what has been bothering me the most.
Jan 04, 2009 @ 08:44 pm
Ali de Bold

He picked someone else

I know you were in an open relationship but like you said, "the last time around (even though we had an open relationship) he didn't pick me...and I sort of feel like sloppy seconds now."

Those feelings are legitimate. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, just that you need to really test the situation to make sure you both want the same thing so you don't end up hurt again.
Jan 04, 2009 @ 09:01 pm


You have put things into perspective...this is exactly what I needed to hear.

On a different note...congrats on a wonderful site..I heard a blurb on CBC newsworld today and I'm glad I came. If there is anything I could do to help out...pls let me know.

Thanks for everything and I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Jan 04, 2009 @ 09:26 pm

It'll happen again

Hello, long time knower about this site, first time poster.

I don't think I'm the best person to provide advice, but I'll do my best with what I've learned from my experiences.

My advice for boneca22 is that if the relationship ended once, it will end again. Maybe not today, or 2 years from now, but the likelihood of it lasting is 1:100. It'll end by either you resenting him for moving on, or him once again finding someone else that he might think is better, but as you can see he's made that mistake once.

I've broke up with a few chicks, and regretted it till this day as I was lucky enough to find a few of the good ones out there.

My suggestion is for you to remain friends, and move on. Have your fun if you want with him under your own terms, not his.

Anyway, I hope this helped you a little.

P.S We've all said "Most girls/guys are bad, but not my girlfriend/boyfriend" to find out that everyone was right all along...
Jan 04, 2009 @ 09:57 pm

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