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Should I forgive and forget?

gabadvise

This is my first time asking strangers for advise but I've been reading replies and many are really nice so maybe i could get one for my own situation. 

I've been married for almost 3 years and me and my husband have an almost 2 years old, everything happened really fast between us it was like "love at first sight". I am 22 years old (so is my hb) and i married when i was 20, just forty days after meeting my husband, so everything moved quickly.

Okay. So the thing is, my husband is not the greatest man in the world or so I think (everyone including my own fam thinks i ask for too much from him) he has a dark past, he was a drug addict as a teen and an alcohol addict, he suffered bullying at school and at home, depressing and rejection from his parents so he is like The Pandora Box with a horrible memory due to the drugs consumption. AND he has a 6 years old that is not even our skin color who he had when he was 16 (well this is off topic but it makes me hate him sometimes).

When we met he told me about the drugs and since most teens do drugs i overlooked it... later to find out that he has like 1/4 of his brain damaged so his memory its TERRIBLE this makes our everyday living a nightmare; e.x i tell him i will go out with my sis then the day i'm suppose to go out i have to re explain him everything again and he will say i never said a thing, he will make an scene in front of my sister, to the point no one wants to be around me anymore. I may had sound like the awful stepmother but he never tell me that he had a son until the week before we got married his excuse: "i was afraid you wouldn't go out with me if you knew a had a kid" p.s. the mother abandoned the kid before his first BD. So this lie still invades my thoughts. 

When we got our first appt we had our first fight and he tried to choked me, not trying to kill me but to scared me. He didn't even stopped me from breathing he just hold my neck but didn't put pressure to stop me from breathing as i said. Background. He was drinking and I asked to stop, he wont stop so things escalated and i took the car and left to cool down, I parked at a CVS parking lot and after couple of hour went back thinking he would be worry however, when he saw me he drag me into the app and hold me by the neck and accused me of a cheater. He was really drunk and apologized next day. Next Fight he was also drunk and I was 8 mo pregnant this time he didn't choked me but i end up hurting myself bc i was not going to let him boss me around. Background. We were on bed really to go sleep and he asked for sex (having sex was painful during my pregnancy and I just hated it having sex) and I said NO he stared talking a lot of bull saying he was ugly, i was not attracted to him etc I was firm and still said NO so he try to forced it. I tried to walked out the app and he would push me and pull me back inside to talk about it and apologize, but i didn't want him to decided for me!!! so I forced my way out the app and ended up scratching myself and stuff. Cops came by he went to jail for 2 months bc even though i was fine i was pregnant and scratched. He starter alcohol classes and counseling and he did really okay. The Third and so far last fight since 1 year ago he got drunk and pulled my hair. Background. I was suppose to pick him up at work but got there an hour late bc of traffic he didn't wait for me and left with a co-worker which made me feel like an idiot especially bc my toddle was with me in the car crying during a whole hour. When I got back looking for an explanation he started yelling at me and called me a cheater, I calmly said I didn't wanted to argue and that i was leaving for good. He let me put my stuff in the car and when i was just about to leave with my last bag he pulled me by the hair and threatened me; I just ran out the door and drove away. I parked bc I couldn't drive in my state and my son was in the car. It really hurt so I checked for blood but all I had was no hair, he pulled the hair off, it was just about the size of a quarter but i have long hair so it was really traumatizing and a huge deal.

He went to a families in crises group and i forbidden him from drinking and its been a year clean, he doesn't even raises his voice on me, if there is a problem he sits down and talks about it, we openly talk about our feelings and what we are upset about and if sometimes i don't want to cooperate or simply disagree on sitting to talk thing thru he takes a walk . I wish he was the man he is today since day 1 :( I try to love and forgive but it feels like i run out of love or i am just really hurt so i am confused. I don't make excuses for no one but sometimes I think I just should let him drawn by himself in his misery, he is afraid of cheating bc almost every girl cheated on him, his first girl left him for another girl, he had a kid at 16 the mother run away and his parents force him into keeping him when he wanted to give the baby for adoption. The mother comes back and gets 7,000 of child support so my husband couldn't go to college bc he had to pay child support for a kid that lived with him, the mother ended up on jail and rehab and the state decided she can't pay him back bc she is sick. On top all this he saw his father hitting his mother plenty of times (who got forge into marriage for getting pregnant) My husband doesn't know what being romantic is, his dad cheats and the mother never left bc of the kids. Also most of his fam members are alcoholics and the dad a coke addict...

He seems like a lot of trouble I KNOW but he also has his attributes physically gorgeous, if i say water he will buy me the sea, if i say frog he jumps. It could be 3 am and if i say i want nachos he will for sure get me those nachos, he cooks and cleans even if he worked. When i am sick he treats me like a goddess in a pedestal, supports my hubbies, tells me i am beautiful every single day and sex related well...excellent. We are like one mind, we see the world the same way, share the same interest, and goals. It'd been hard to forget the things he has done but it's not like he has ever punch me, slapped me or mentally abused me his poor mind its not capable of it. Am I exaggerating? Should I try to forget and forgive? Or should I move on and let him deal with the tragedies of his life all by himself?
Jul 14, 2017 @ 09:31 pm

9 Replies


Pammywhammy845

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First of all , I'm so sorry your husband has been physically abusive to you .
If you can accept his kid maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship . You said he told you a week before the wedding about him but you had only known each other for 33 days . So it's not like it was this long secret or anything . You chose to marry him so the kid should be treated like your own . I have a step dad and I was treated horribly . I actually grew up thinking he was my dad but I knew something wasn't right because of how I was treated . It sounds like you have some resentments about the kid and that's never good .
What made you go back to this man who was physically abusive in the first place ?
I would always have that on my mind and i wouldn't be able to trust him .
If you've gotten to the point to where are you're asking people on the internet , I think yuu know your answer .
Jul 14, 2017 @ 10:28 pm
sarahinsomnia

Agreed

I have to agree, it does sound like not only does he have some demons he has to face, but that maybe you need some time to work through the feelings you have for him and his 6 year old child. Not to say you should up and leave him, but it sounds like the both of you actively need to be open and honest with one another, and figure out what is best for the both of you, and for the children. Whether this means couple's therapy or individual counseling is entirely up to you guys, but you're both still relatively young (not trying to be condescending, I'm only 29), so learning to navigate your own thoughts and emotions will help your relationship and all future relationships.

That said, with regards to the internet, I strongly recommend you talk to a professional about this. We can give you all the advice we can think of, but ultimately this is a very weighty topic for a lot of reasons, and even if someone here is qualified to make suggestions, it may not be the best space for it to take place.
Jul 15, 2017 @ 12:29 am
lamurap

:(

I am very sorry that you have had to go through all this drama at such a young age.
I know that I personally could never forgive and forget. There would always be resentment there for the times when he was abusive towards me.
I agree with the other two posters, please go speak with a professional.

I wish you strength and courage to make the best decision for yourself and your child.
Jul 16, 2017 @ 02:06 pm
takoda

You need to get out of there!

This man is going to continue to repeat his abusive actions towards you and will eventually turn it onto your child! This behaviour doesn't completely stop, it only gets worse as time goes by to the point where he'll can kill you whether he means to or not.
He needs help and he isn't getting it. He's a ticking time bomb! You married way to soon and way to young. If he won't go get help and get it now, you may not be hear to see your 30's.
They're always sorry after the fact and treat you like a queen, but just say the wrong thing to them at the wrong time and you'll see that angle turn into the devil right before your eyes. That's if you have a chance to see him change over.
I've seen this happen way to many times and its the women and the kids that get the wrong end of the stick every time! They like to sweet talk you after they know they've gone to far so they can get you to stay, than they control you and everything you do until they lose it again. Than it starts all over again with the I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, please don't leave I'll change, I'll never touch you again. Its all bull shit because they can't control them self's, so they try to control you and beating you is one of their favorite ways to control you.
Please be safe and keep your child safe as well.
But if you honestly think this man can change for the better, you both better get your butt's into some sort of counselling before its to late! I'm sorry if this all sound harsh, but I'd rather you be safe than sorry.
You CAN'T reason with a drunk and you shouldn't ever try. You have a mentally unstable drunk on your hands and they're the worse kind to have! Anyone that's been in your shoes and has made it out will tell you the same! Don't let this man kill who you are, or kill you. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't need to put up with this. Stay safe, hugs!
Jul 17, 2017 @ 10:01 am
jujusamples

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I've been part of a relationship forum for many years, and I don't know how many times I've seen people post about their abusive relationship. No matter how many times people advise therapy and leave the relationship, the person always stays.

The choice has always been yours. The first time he laid a hand on you, there shouldn't be any excuses, you leave! You chose to stay, even after he did it several times. You should be asking yourself, why did you stay? It takes two to make a relationship work. He wouldn't have gotten the chance to do it again, if you don't give him the chance to do so.

I understand, it's tough and you make up excuses for him. You think it will never happen again. I'm sorry to be the barrier of bad news, but like I said, I've been on relationship forum for many years, it always happens again!

Yes, there are odd times that the person will never lay a hand on their partner again, but it's very rare! (that's only if you chose to forgive him after the one time) The person has to show they are doing something about their abusive behaviors. As in going to every help outlet available. Quit drinking because they are a violent drunk. Your husband is not fully trying, therefore he keeps doing it over and over again! Unacceptable!

In your case, sorry, but I'm going to be honest, he's done it one too many times. Getting drunk is NEVER an excuse, EVER!

So if you were to ask me, it only takes ONE time for someone to lay their hands on me for me to walk! There is no if and and buts, I will be done.

Also, when you marry this person, it is unfair for you not to accept his child. The child is innocent. You can't keep saying you didn't know! Although he told you late, he still told you and you still had time to walk away from the relationship. Yet, you chose to marry him and resent him for having a child. I sure hope you don't take it out on the the child. This whole relationship is just toxic.

My advice is for both of you to seek professional help, first individually to figure out your underlying issues, then maybe, maybe.... one day, you could do it it as a couple together.
Jul 17, 2017 @ 01:31 pm
prettyrainbow

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I'm very sorry for you and both children involved. You all shouldn't have to deal with such abuse. I can imagine it must be very difficult for you to have to think about all this. I'm sure you had the best of intentions for this marriage to work and were looking forward to a beautiful life together. I really hope for all of your sakes, even his own, that he is truly committed to getting the help he needs.

I would also recommend you seek counseling as well, if you are able to afford it. There are also free help hotlines or women's shelters you can contact for advice. I'm not sure if you are religious, but if so, a priest or minister can help you with some of the dilemmas you're facing. Most importantly, if you ever feel you or the children are in physical danger, please do not hesitate to contact the police.

When trying to decide whether to forgive or forget (in other words, stay or leave), you can ask yourself these questions: If you were to talk to your future self, what would you tell her? Would she be proud of the choices you made for you and your son? What do your instincts tell you when you re-read what you wrote above? If you were giving advice to another complete stranger who was in that exact same situation, what would you tell her to do? Would you tell that young mother to stay in that dangerous environment?

Considering the fact that you are a mother, the first thing that comes to mind, for me, is to think of your child's safety first. A parent has a moral and legal obligation to do so and with the situation you've described, I would seriously think twice about exposing him to such behaviours. This will, most definitely, affect him as he grows up and will shape the man he eventually becomes. Make the choice now as to how you want him to experience his life. Also, keep in mind that if things do get out of hand and your child is not of legal age, Child Protective Services can be called by family members, neighbours or by anyone who thinks that the child's life is being endangered. In some cases, it could mean losing custody of your child. I know this is an extreme example, but I've seen it happen, as I've worked closely with such situations. When children are involved, the law does not fool around and give second chances.

You mentioned something that really left me feeling troubled. You said, "It'd been hard to forget the things he has done but it's not like he has ever punch me, slapped me or mentally abused me." Are you 100% certain that he won't do that in the future? Did you know in advance that he was going to pull your hair or grab your neck like he did? I don't think you had expected that from him either, am I right? He won't give you an appointment on the calendar and tell you when he will punch you or slap you. He just will. And yes, physical abuse, like the one you've already received, is also a form of mental abuse. You are obviously distressed about this and very confused. Also, the fact that he keeps blaming you for cheating on him when it isn't true, is an example of mental abuse and harassment.

Please stay safe and let us know if you need any further advice. I'll be praying for you and your family.


Jul 18, 2017 @ 01:03 am
Ulnara

Addictions

From my experience, it's always the best to send an addicted person to rehab - it may demand a lot of your time to patience to do something only by yourself and you'll be only broken too... And your friend or relative or beloved one will be in safety at least. Here's the list with all the rehabs and their phone numbers that I found: https://addictionresource.com/alcohol/treatment/how-to-quit-drinking/ Might be very helpful to someone who doesn't know what to do.
Apr 24, 2020 @ 04:59 am
Anonymous

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I'm not sure why you had to mention that the kids isnt even the same skin colour as you guys?? I really hope you treat the kid right. Nothing is his fault. It's not his fault that he had a child young and his parent made him keep it, nor is it his, or the child's, fault that he paid her he money he did and didnt go to school.

I think you definitely need to seek some counseling yourself to deal with resentment issue towards him and the child, and any thing else you may need to work on.

I do think people can chage if they want to. You will likely see that if you go through concealing and actually work on yourself. You have explained clearly that he is great toward you now, and has made big changes after participating in counseling.

Personally, I would forgive and seek counseling and possibly couples counseling. However, if only one of you is working on the future and the other is hell bent on holding onto the past, its definitely not going to work.
May 22, 2020 @ 02:01 am
Anonymous

...

I'm not sure why you had to mention that the kids isnt even the same skin colour as you guys?? I really hope you treat the kid right. Nothing is his fault. It's not his fault that he had a child young and his parent made him keep it, nor is it his, or the child's, fault that he paid her he money he did and didnt go to school.

I think you definitely need to seek some counseling yourself to deal with resentment issue towards him and the child, and any thing else you may need to work on.

I do think people can chage if they want to. You will likely see that if you go through concealing and actually work on yourself. You have explained clearly that he is great toward you now, and has made big changes after participating in counseling.

Personally, I would forgive and seek counseling and possibly couples counseling. However, if only one of you is working on the future and the other is hell bent on holding onto the past, its definitely not going to work.
May 22, 2020 @ 02:06 am

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