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Struggling

Anonymous

Hello,

I have been struggling a-lot lately with my life choices. I am 37 years old. Mother of 2 amazing kids. I have been married for 16 years to a man I never loved. When we first got married he hit me. I stayed. He did it again, I stayed. Back then I didn't feel like I had any option to leave. I grew up in a very strict home where I was not really allowed to do anything. I thought by getting married I was going to have the freedom that I always wanted. But instead he was possessive, controlling and verbally and physically abusive. I hated him! After the 3rd time I finally made big deal about it and stood up to him and told him I wanted OUT! I had my families support for a good 10 days! I told them about everything except the physical abuse. I was ashamed, I still am. How stupid was I to allow someone to treat me that way. When I was pushed back into the marriage (he promised he would never do it again) I set plan in my head. I was going to work on my career and when I was strong enough to leave and not need anything from anyone, I was going to leave. 

Life had other plans for me, one day when I was 25 I woke up with facial paralysis on the right side of my face (Bells Palsy) when the doctor told me that I was one of the 5 % of people that will never recover, I was devastated. It destroyed me more than I was already broken. I went into a deep deep depression, lost my job, lost my confidence, I didn't know who I was anymore. I thought if I had a baby I would have a purpose in life, so I got pregnant and my first child. With the depression I was already in I added PPD to the mix. I was broken, damaged beyond repair! When my first was about 3 months I had this a moment where I was like " what am I doing, I need to leave". Surprise Surprise a few days after I found out I was having another baby.

I don't remember the next few years of my life, I was on auto mode. My life became all about keeping these 2 precious kids alive, cooking and cleaning. I stopped fighting, arguing with him ( he took that as a good thing, we were a power couple now) I stopped wanting anything, needing anything for myself. All I cared about were the kids, and making sure everything is done so I wouldn't have to argue with him. I willingly (and still do ) had sex with him anytime he wanted because it easier then trying to tell him I am not in the mood or I just simply don't want it. Sex has lost all meaning, there are times where I can do it and not cry after but I wish I never had to do it again.


During this time he changed, he became loving, supportive, everything I ever wanted in a partner. So I thought I owed it to my kids to try to make this work. I tried to Love him. I tried to forget all the pain. I tried to start fresh because he was not the same person anymore. For years I convinced myself that things were good, that a good marriage didn't need Love. We started to be a good team, his love for me grew and grew. 

A couple years ago we were at his friends house and they were talking about how different their lives turned out and how things happen in life that change you and so on. And my husband makes a statement, that he loves where he is in his life and he is so incredibly thankful for me and the kids and his career and would not change a thing and if he had to do it all over again he would not do anything differently. He has no regrets!. That didn't sit well with me so when we got into the car I asked him, if he really meant what he said. "Do you really have no regrets???? He was like yes, everything I went through made me who I am today and I am thankful for all my life experiences. What was I?? Collateral damage???? I asked him how he could say that after what he did to me, he replies that every relationship goes through up and downs. It was normal. And that I need to let things go.

Ever since that car ride home, my anger and resentment towards him has been growing and growing. I HATE him! and he has no idea. I am struggling with myself. How do I forgive myself for staying with him, how do I forgive myself for settling and not fighting for myself. These past 2 years have been so hard for me. My mental health is really bad.  I am struggling while pretending that everything is fine.

8 months ago I reconnected with someone who has been in my life all my life. His family and my family have been friends for decades. He was my first love and my first kiss. I have seen him multipole times during the past 18 years but we never really had alone time. He invited us for dinner 8 months ago during his visit to our city and my husband was not able to go so I went alone. It was so nice, I felt like myself for the fist time in decades.

After he left I started messaging him, he opened up about how he was unhappy in his marriage and for the first time I did too. Our messages were just jokes about marriage at first. And then we started flirting, and talking about how only if we had ended up together. I confessed to him that I loved him when we were younger but I was to shy to let him know how I felt. That he was my first love and I was always waiting for him to want me back. And than we started chatting about everything and anything. I planned a visit to where he lives and I went alone. We ended up kissing. I never thought I would do anything like this. This is so not me. I always did what was right, what was expected. The worst part is I don't feel guilty. 

What I did made me realize how much I want out of my marriage. I want to be single. I want to heal me. I want to find out who I am and what I want. But I don't see a way out. I can never tell my husband how I feel or what I did. I think he would kill me. But staying slowly killing me inside, I am always angry, always crying. I am having a hard time enjoying my kids.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I am going to explode. How is this my life! When did all this time pass? When did I become a person that cheats, and doesn't feel bad about it! Sometimes I wish I can go back into that deep dark home that I was living in during my "auto mode" years.
Oct 17, 2018 @ 02:10 pm

4 Replies


fredamans

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Sounds like you need a therapist. I hope that doesn't sound mean, it gets lost in translation online, but it would help you. Not immediately, good things take time, but it will help you make better choices.
Oct 17, 2018 @ 02:12 pm
Des82

Thanks:)

I went to my doctor a few days ago and asked him to refer me to one. I really hope it helps because I cant breath.
Oct 17, 2018 @ 02:14 pm
Shystarr79

:)

Im sorry to hear you had such a hard time. Its nice that your husband has changed his ways and is a loving and caring man now but if you are not happy with him then that doesnt really mean much. If you want to make it work a therapist might be just what you need but if you dont love him and want to leave thats exactly what you should do. Whatever your choices are I hope you finally end up with the happiness everyone deserves.
Oct 17, 2018 @ 02:53 pm
Starzz

Crying everytime

I just cannot wait till o wake up and I n ok longer cry
Dec 09, 2018 @ 02:36 pm

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