The wrong guy


hey ladies...

i'm in dire need of advice...i met a guy about a year ago and we started dating of sorts...we would go out on dates have a good time and talk for hours. we have never been intimate apart from a few intense kisses. we really got on well. then a week ago we had an awful fight. i called him up because he hadnt been in touch with me for a few days. so i called him to find out if he was ok(since he was travelling and said he would call when he landed).
when he answered the phone. he was quite distant and cold. i asked if everything was ok and he begun yelling at me saying. he is tired and that i make him tired with my questions and that he cant handle me and doesn't want to be my friend since "it requires too much effort".and 2011 is his year to be selfish since he has been taking care of everyone all his life.( i'm actually quoting is exact words)

ladies...i was so hurt..i was stunned by his behavior....i told him just because he is going through something that he clearly doesn't want to discuss...that doesn't give him the right to be mean and which he responded.."you are invading my territory....I'd rather be alone than unhappy"

what i don't get is...why the facade?? was he just pretending?? or do i have a knack for attracting emotionally abusive men??
to be honest....I'm really missing him..the long talks..and the cuddling and the closeness i thought we shared. i haven't called him or texted since that conversation...and neither has he...for some reason i feel like my heart is broken..

ladies advise.....please:-(
Apr 26, 2011 @ 04:13 am

7 Replies


It's not your fault

From your report my first reaction is that he's a pretty closed individual and he really doesn't want to talk about anything. I really don't think it's you or anything that you did. He was probably feeling overwhelmed and the phone call was probably just really bad timing. He might be right that he can't handle a relationship right now (not that I am excusing his rudeness.. that's never OK). Give him some space and if you feel like it's appropriate send him an email just to let him know you're there to talk or listen or just sit in silence if he needs anything strings attached (and I mean that, if you really care for him you've got to be able to be there for him and not expect much back right away if he is really going through something).
As you said, this could be the "wrong guy", so if you need an emotionally supportive partner (which most of us do) you should think about looking elsewhere because I don't think this guy will be able to give you everything you need.

Apr 27, 2011 @ 09:28 am
Ali de Bold

Leave him alone

For your own sake, you need to not contact him. The ball is in his court now if he wants to call and apologize. Even if the two of you had some great times together, this treatment is not appropriate and if you reach out again he may only continue to hurt you.

Don't analyze and make excuses for him. It's something we as women are programmed to do but ultimately he has behaved like a jerk and you don't need that.

I know it hurts to not be able to talk to him and have him around since you were obviously close but until he is prepared to talk to you respectfully you should not entertain any thoughts of speaking to him.

Hopefully he comes around but if not, there are so many great guys out there who wouldn't behave like this.

Apr 27, 2011 @ 10:03 am

Playing Devils Advocate here..

while it is hard to see from this short post what really happened with the fight, what lead up to it and what was said..his lack of contact speaks volumes. If a guy want to be with a girl he goes out of his way to make it happen - he didnt.
You wanted an answer why he hadnt called.. maybe hoping for more. Guys dont like to be seen as the 'bad guy', dont want to be the one to have to break it off, or to be viewed as the one that did wrong. He most likely hoped you'd just drop it and move on, and when that didnt happen he got angry.

Not being a guy (but having had a few relationships and not marrying until my 30's) I have heard all sorts of stories about what guys think of as 'high mantainance girls' and I dont mean their beauty routine. If they feel like they are being grilled, having to justify or account, like its just work and not fun - they're out. They only put up with the touchy, feel'y' emotional stuff if they are already in love.

Unless there is some critical missing info this sounds like there was just big difference in what you both wanted out of this relationship. 'Sort of Dating' for a year ? If it hadnt moved on to a deeper level by now then....more fish in the sea as they say. Good luck :)
Apr 27, 2011 @ 08:39 pm
Ali de Bold

Really great points, Guppy

I agree it sounds like there may have been a difference in what each of you were looking for in the relationship. But I still think he didn't need to behave like that. He could just tell you honestly (and calmly) how he feels.
Apr 27, 2011 @ 09:02 pm


@guppy the reason i said "sort of sating" is because i don't know where we stand as of now. one minute we were exclusive and sharing a lot of things on a deep level and the next he is yelling at me...

i know one thing about myself is i give people space because i too do not like being grilled and asked about my whereabouts every hour. having said that though, if one is in an exclusive relationship i think the least u can do is..check in on each other...being a closes individual is no reason to go around hurting people.

i think its best if i leave him alone because if i continue reaching out to him, this will become one of those relationships where i will do all the work and get nothing in return. i'll forever be walking on egg shells.

like u all said...there are plenty of fish in the sea:-)
Apr 28, 2011 @ 01:50 am

good girl! :)

I was thinking the same thing; if you continue to reach out to him to figure out whats wrong, whats going on, etc. then it'll turn into one of those relationships where you put in 110% and him not so much.

I'm pretty black and white about relationships. They're either good, or they're not. You're either happy, or you're not. He's either good for you, or not.

You know those scenarios when "i'm happy, really I'm happy, except when i say/do something wrong that ticks him off and I make him yell at me" ... that's a huge big fat NOT.

One of my close friends went through a very similar situation. Her man, after 4-6months of exclusiveness, suddenly turns Mr. Hyde and started not calling / texting / contacting her, and yelling at her when she'd ask him what's wrong. He even said similar crap to what your guy said. The whole "your questions tire me, i'd rather be alone and be happy, i'm not happy with you, i need to concentrate on my career / studies, etc". Long story short, turns out he was cheating on her with another girl. Him and the other lady are now living it up on facebook. lol They're the couple that leaves PDA messages on eachothers fb pictures, and document each meal they take and everytime they sneeze so we all can see and realize how perfectly happy they are. *gag*

What guppy said is so true: bad guys don't like being the bad guy. They hem and haw and hope they are the one to break it off. And when you're not, they get pissed.

It's so awesome you realize this early on!! You have an awesome future ahead of you. :) A girl who refuses to put up with crap will very likely not be handed crap.
Apr 28, 2011 @ 11:34 am

Good for you!

I think you made a good decision too! If he's being like this it's not worth your trouble to try and get him back. And even if he changed for now, you'd always be worried he would pull this stunt again.

Stay tough!
Apr 28, 2011 @ 03:26 pm

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