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Turn the Other Cheek ...or Freak?


I took a big (but romantic) risk - setting out on a 6 week globe trotting event with a guy I hardly knew. We're staying with well-to-do former clients of mine in London. My travel partner and I had never been intimate, but obviously there were undertones and an eventuality in being together for 6 weeks. He started to get frisky right away and I put a stop to it as I saw it as inappropriate given our guest status and being a thin wall away from our hosts. We continued to hold hands the next day and be affectionate, but he told me that I had issues and was immature. I tried to engage him in conversation but he was impossible. He didn't believe in small talk, but never offered other vehicles. I used his computer from time to time and his pages would pop up with old notes from ex girlfriends. I wasn't trying to invade his space - but I half joked about his fidelity - and he told me I was stupid. Late one night he said it wasn't working (we'd only been out for 3 or 4 days). We talked a bit. Apparently it all boiled down to me not sleeping with him - so I slept with him - and I told him all my deep dark stuff that he said he wanted to know.

Directly after he was still cold and distant. I went to use his computer- and again, inadvertently saw an email alluding to a canceled hotel reservation in a country we were leaving for in 2 days. I sleep that night and I didn't say anything in the morning...should I wait and see how it plays out - or risk being stranded in an airport and bound for a non-english speaking country alone and with no hotel reservation? I decided to clear the air... First he tried to blame me for his invasion of privacy. Then he said he liked me and liked being around me...but that he needed to be alone. I asked him to honor the next leg of the trip so I wouldn't be stranded and we could work things out, or at least deal with untangling all of our expensive reservations. He would not agree. I finally broke down in sobs. He left abruptly to take a shower. I left the flat before he came back out in order to clear my head. When I came back...he was gone - with all his things...no note, no money.

Its a long and complicated story - if you're still reading...
is this guy a jerk or did I really do something wrong...? Should I have not brought up the uncertain e-mail I really didn't have a right to read...? Did I tell him too much? Was I really being immature - with too many issues?
I didn't even really like him, but I was in love with the concept of him - and I still want to be associated with him somehow - though he's even deleted me from his facebook and etc. I feel very used and very foolish - would it be healthy to forgive him and try to communicate - or am I better to cut my losses and write him off as a brute?
Nov 09, 2008 @ 07:00 pm

8 Replies

Ali de Bold

Are you kidding me?

Why would you ever want to be associated with someone who:

- Tells you you're stupid
- Pressures you for sex -- then treats you like garbage once he gets it
- Abandons you in Europe
- Clearly has communication and commitment issues

This guy is a loser through and through. You are over-analyzing the situation and giving him way too much credit.

Thank your lucky stars he only wasted 3 days of your time and find someone who really cares about you.

Sorry you had to experience that. A real man would never behave like that.
Nov 09, 2008 @ 08:39 pm

Damn straight.

I agree completely with MissChickie on this one. Cut your losses period.
Nov 09, 2008 @ 11:24 pm

don't do it for him or your relationship, do it for yourself!

You need to write this idiot out of your life, but need to eventually forgive the hurt. Not because you should ever get back together (because you really shouldn't!), but because it is your own road to happiness. Holding on to this baggage will jeopardize your next relationship(s), so it's important to release this negative experience.

First, you need to forgive him in the sense that he no longer has a hold over you - not that you are ok with his actions or would ever consider renewing a friendship. Does that make sense?

Second, you need to forgive yourself. You probably feel like a complete moron and this experience has made you question your ability to read a person's character, your standards, your naivete, your willingness to do whatever it takes to hold on to someone who in retrospect is completely undeserving... This situation would lead anyone to doubt themselves, and that's why you need to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be fooled by this player.

Forgive - yes. Communicate? Absolutely not. You may end up sucked back into a destructive relationship, and you are worth much more than that.
Nov 10, 2008 @ 08:56 am


Ladies- you are amazing. I didn't expect any reply - Thank you so
much... and for the very sound advice. I'm working (mental state)
towards taking it.
Nov 11, 2008 @ 06:00 pm


I'd say that in many cases I'm more tolerant to some actions moreso than the majority of other girls and tend not to "freak out" over as many things. But in this case I agree with everyone else.
1) Pressuring for sex is a no-no for me personally. Sleeping with a guy just to keep him is not a good idea in my opinion. But if you did it b/c you wanted to do that with him then I'm cool with that.
2) Him not being nice to you afterwards, that's just mean.
3) Invading his privacy. I don't approve of that. I'd be so pissed if someone did that to me. I don't care what they found there but I just wouldn't be able to trust that person anymore. It's like when a friend of mine, his g/f read his journal (which was well hidden!) and got mad at him for what he wrote. She didn't even apologize for reading it and he had to work really hard to get her to forgive him. That's just messed up.
4) What concerns me the most is that he just up and abandoned you on a trip in a foreign country. It'd be less of a deal of lets say he got really mad and left your apartment (although that's still not nice). But you're on a trip together and planned things together and are relying on each other. Not cool. This is a JERK!
I think he's using you. Using you for sex and maybe money? Who knows what else. You don't deserve someone that treats you like this. Get out of this. Make sure you get what you get back what he owes you though, like if he owes you money or something.
Nov 11, 2008 @ 11:07 pm

Over it - Update

Thanks again. He made good on his debt- at least most of it. I'm convinced he's a lunatic now...he tried to pull me up for a chat so he could tell me how bad he feels about letting his last girlfriend get away. As for his invasion of privacy - yeah, I wasn't cool with it either...but its not like I went looking - it just popped up - and I'm lucky it did. I've salvaged the trip - contacted my company and may even be able to write the whole thing off for business...but what a ride. I thought I was a good judge of character, but he really threw me for a loop -

I went out in London and kissed a couple of boys to get over it
he found out and called me a slut

It would almost be funny - if i were watching it instead of living it

He's trying to tell me I'm in love with him (in the course of this conversation about how much he misses his ex). I told him to track her down - declare his undying love. Maybe they'll get together and have crazy kids- or maybe she'll appreciate another opportunity to tear him to bits

I'm looking forward to mine - when he starts telling a new girl about how much he misses me. Watch out ladies.
Nov 12, 2008 @ 06:27 pm

Sounds good

It sounds like you're making progress already. And he does sound like a
psycho. I don't get it myself. He sounds like he just wants attention
from anyone but is going about through a really weird way.

Way to be strong. Good job.
Nov 14, 2008 @ 09:39 am

lucky you..you got out!!!

wierdo... psycho.... these sound like his middle name!! wow you lucky girl that you got away in such a short time! the redeeming quality that I can see in this guy is, he's dumb. most psycho's are so damn smart, they get you into the relationship deep enough so that once you realize he's a psycho, its not so easy to let go. but i guess maybe he's still an amateur? or maybe he really does have some screw loose..yikes!! good for you that you got off so easily. chalk it down to experience, and i'm sure in no time you'll be able to laugh about this lunybin with your friends :)

Nov 18, 2008 @ 05:05 pm

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