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Wedding Shower


My daughter is getting married in 5 weeks in a Destination wedding. None of her girlfriends are going to be able to make it so she is not having a bridesmaid or maid of honor. It appears that none of her friends are giving her a shower, is it wrong for me as the mother of the bride to ask if one of her friends will host a shower?
Sep 25, 2008 @ 07:29 pm

5 Replies

Ali de Bold

Awkward situation

I think if you flat out ask them to do it, it could be an awkward situation. I know plenty of Mothers who have hosted showers for their daughters or daughters in law so you could either just arrange one yourself, or you could call up a couple of her closest friends and say you would like to plan something for her... maybe you could do it together? Or maybe they have something in the works? Suggest it that way so no one feels bad or uncomfortable and see where that conversation takes you.

They might be thinking because they can't come to the wedding they are off the hook. Or it could be that your daughter told them she didn't want one. When one of my good friends got married a few years ago she was grieving the loss of her father (died two months before her wedding) and she was adamant she didn't want a shower of any kind. She got angry when anyone raised the subject. Understandably she was going through a lot.

We all considered throwing her one anyway but she was so against it and so distraught we just tried to spend time with her one on one as much as she would allow. Then at the rehearsal dinner, her mother came around and whispered to each of us that since none of us threw her a shower, could we each pitch in $20 that she would give to the Bride to use for something to buy for their home? We were all happy to do that since we felt terrible about not being able to plan her a shower, but it was also embarrassing that her Mother believed we didn't care enough to throw one. She obviously was not aware her daughter told us not to.

The point is, she may have said something to them that she doesn't want it, they could be unaware that they should be doing this and maybe are expecting you or one of her Aunts to do it and are waiting for their invitation. I think there is still a lot of confusion these days about who should be doing what around a wedding. So many rules, so many expectations!

Since there are only 5 weeks left I would call her friends telling them you are planning a shower and would they like to be part of it, or just plan the shower yourself and invite everyone. Make it really special for your daughter and don't let her know you were waiting for her friends to do it and they didn't ante up.

Great question! Have a wonderful time!
Sep 26, 2008 @ 12:06 am


I agree with MC. You should start planning something (if you are too busy to host it yourself, maybe ask an aunt?) and reach out to your daughter's friends, asking if they'd like to be part of the planning process. This also gives them the opportunity to pipe up and say "oh, actually she doesn't want a shower". If they don't, maybe it really is a case of the girls just not thinking of it or not believing it to be important :(

My sister-in-law's maid of honor was a flake, didn't plan a shower and hosted a backyard cookout for the bachelorette party. Needless to say, this was not what my SIL had in mind and was really bummed that no one stepped up and took some initiative. Depending on how close you are with your daughter, you might just ask her what her wishes are. Spoiling a surprise is not as bad as dropping the ball and disappointing her.

Good luck with whatever you decide!
Sep 26, 2008 @ 09:40 am

Wedding Shower

I understand completely but I probably should have mentioned we live in two different cities. My husband and I are going to visit her for Thanksgiving (Cdn) and I thought this would be a perfect time to have a shower. Any more suggestions? Could I call them and say that I would like to put something together at a restaurant as a surprise while I am there?
Sep 28, 2008 @ 06:35 pm
Ali de Bold

good idea

Yes I think calling her friends and saying you are organizing a surprise shower at a restaurant when you come to town is a great idea. Maybe they can help you with the details? I can't imagine they would say no.

I'm sure she will love it!

Sep 28, 2008 @ 07:09 pm

I agree

I agree with misschickie and mamaluv...I would contact your daughter's friends and tell them that you are planning a shower when you are up in Canada visiting her. If they were already planning something you will find out, if not, it ensures that your daughter gets a shower. It is also a good way to find out whether or not your daughter wanted a shower without directly asking her. Contacting her friends would mean that you did your best to try and get a shower together for her. I am sure that things will turn out in the end! All the best!
Sep 30, 2008 @ 11:20 am

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