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Where has my confidence gone?


My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. About a year ago we split up for a little bit. He went his way and I went mine. He ended up seeing a girl younger, and I feel, way prettier than me. He claims she was just a rebound and blah blah blah. Which I believe since we are together and happier than ever again.. However, I feel like I'm not good enough.

It breaks my heart. This girl who is three years younger than me looks as if she should be 5 years older than me, has great style, hair and does her  make up sooo nicely! And I'm just a plain jane kinda gal lol...... He loves me, I know he does. But I just don't feel as confident around him anymore. 

It's something I think about all the time. I constantly compare myself to the other girls. I'm always picking at myself. I get embarrassed easily in public. I feel as if people are staring at me because of a pimple or something....... I just feel not worthy. 

Although my boyfriend and I are together and happy, he does have "wandering eyes". I've caught him checking out other girls while with me. He doesn't break his neck to look at another girl.... but I notice him looking every once and a while. It's gotten to a point where if we're sitting at a stop light and I see a pretty girl I try to notice if he'll "check her out".. it's almost become an obsession. I think about all the girls I have seen him look at and compare myself to them and try to think of how to look as good as them. Is it normal for a girl to lose soooo much confidence like this?

It has even affected my sex life. I feel embarrassed and not "sexy" enough. Thus leaving me unsatisfied because all I can think about is how ugly I feel.... 
Jan 30, 2012 @ 12:14 am

10 Replies



First of all, realise that if he wanted to be with that other girl, or someone like her, he would be. He is with you, shouldn't that tell you everything you need to know?

As far as his wandering eye goes, don't worry about it. Everyone - men and women, in relationships or single, will occasionally look at someone else. It doesn't mean he will cheat, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean that he likes the way they look better. I guarantee you, he could be dating Megan Fox and he would look at other girls.

Getting your confidence back is going to be a bit more difficult because no one can do this for you- you need to do this on your own in the end. Spend some time with yourself, realise what makes you unique and special. I suggest trying out some new activities too and spending time alone- maybe take a class?

Also, sometimes you need to fake it til you make it. If you walk with confidence, others assume you are and pretty soon, you'll start to feel it too.

Good luck!
Jan 30, 2012 @ 10:41 am

and we've all been there :)

Dido to what alexjc said.

Take some time for yourself. Take some time to get reacquainted with you! What do you like about yourself? What to do you like to do?

Sometimes just doing something you love makes you feel like a million bucks. Don't live your life through someone else's interpretation of things. There are beautiful people out there, but there are millions of them and they all look different, so why would you think you are not part of that in some way?

Don't focus on your man's inner workings... focus on yours! It will drive you crazy.... and him!

I will leave you with a quote that I love, love, love!

Relationships-of all kinds-are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.--Kaleel Jamison--Author
Jan 30, 2012 @ 12:04 pm

A little something...

Look.. I won't say I know exactly how you feel but honestly in my opinion Guys will always have that tendency to check out other "chic" ... like some of us girls when we're with our girlfriends we can go all giggly (specially if single) over a cute thing or a hot stuff like that guy in abercrombie... Except we have more of a barrier and know our limits when it comes to the point of having a serious relationship. Those chics they check are just something like an ego that passes by... YOU ARE HIS WOMAN so you should know that no matter what he is with you. If he is not happy I bet he won't be around...

Don't let this affect you or it will affect your actual relationship. Try to talk to him. I do. I try to every once in a while ask... I know I am not that skinny, or as voluptous or have an @ss like Jlo, Beyonce or Kim Kardashian but are you happy with how I look? ---and before he answers I add I need to know the truth so I can start helping myself too. It is for this relationship so no point in lying and making me hear what I want to hear. So he tells me if I he thinks I need a little workout when I have munched tub over tub of ice cream or finished a whole bag of chips in 5 minutes :))

Overall, the way you see yourself is the way he will see you. I know it can be hard but your confidence is a priority. Spend some time at least 5-10 minutes a day to yourself. Pamper yourself. Like a little facial mud pack, a home made hair relaxant, and watch a movie and try dressing up and spending time in your closet ---and? See yourself in the mirror and appreciate what you see.

All the best! If you need a little chit chat, I'm always around the www. :))
Jan 30, 2012 @ 12:54 pm

it's sad but true

I think this image has some general truths. Women are always harder on themselves and usually we're the only ones that can change that. I think if you could focus more on you then on the other girls, it'll help because you won't do the comparing game. And a big step is to also acknowledge that you may not be physically perfect (no one is....at least naturally) and just focus on the features you love and more and more your love for yourself will grow. If you love yourself, it won't even matter what any guy says or thinks.
Jan 30, 2012 @ 07:09 pm
Ali de Bold

Put your focus on something else

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm sure it's eating you up but this is a complete waste of your time. Who you are and what you have to offer is infinitely more valuable than how you stack up to another woman. Every second you waste comparing yourself to someone else is taking away from your unique purpose in life and your value as a person.

You need to shut this down and focus on what's great about yourself and what you can do to be a blessing to others. If you shift your focus to helping others whether that's being a great friend, volunteering somewhere, being great at your job, showing kindness to strangers etc you will feel so much better about yourself because your worth isn't tied up in something shallow and completely subjective.

I'm sure you are a beautiful person but by focusing on the wrong stuff you are stiffling that. Ever notice how someone who is happy, kind and full of life seems attractive regardless of their physical appearance? Let that be you. Big hugs to you.
Feb 01, 2012 @ 08:40 am
Ali de Bold


Love the cartoon, mela86!! So funny and true.
Feb 01, 2012 @ 08:41 am

Thank you.

I'm hoping I can get over these feelings. It's so hard stressing myself out over stuff that shouldn't matter. I live too much in the past and going to try my hardest to get over it. I'm going to try to focus on me and what makes ME happy. I worry too much about what others think.
Feb 02, 2012 @ 10:32 am
Ali de Bold

Not a plain jane

Ok so now that you have uploaded a picture of yourself we can all see how pretty you are! Sorry, but the term Plain Jane does not apply to you. Regardless, I really hope you can put all of this out of your mind and move on to better things. You deserve that. :)
Feb 02, 2012 @ 05:13 pm

You are beautiful

Ah, you are so beautiful and stunning, what are you talking about plain Jane? Just because the other one can curve her lashes without an effort?

Probably I am like you, who does not really care for make ups, and when I tried, it took forever, and the result is well......so ...so...Okay okay, maybe your are right about plain jane, so am I. LOL

Confidence will come back... give it time. I gave birth to 3 kids, gained weight......and confidence went down the drain, oh..unless I swig a bit of rum and coke, my confidence come back up again.

Men, men, men, they will check women out, regardless if they are with someone or married.

I am married, and my husband work at the airport. Of course, he checks out those stewardess every time they pass by his desk. He said, well, I check them out, but I come home to you..............( sounds familiar).

Kidding aside, hope you will feel better, and yes, I will say this again. You are beautiful!

Feb 02, 2012 @ 11:09 pm

Are you trying to get attention?

There are uglier people out there.

May 06, 2012 @ 10:28 pm

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