Why are all arguments the same?

Anonymous

Don't you find taht when the two of you argue it is always over the same things? We always argue about things I've asked him to do that he has promised to do, then never gets around to unless I really bug him. Then I'm a nag. But how can I get him to keep his promises without nagging?
Apr 01, 2008 @ 02:01 pm

8 Replies


hunter_jc

Just give up

If he doesnt do it, it means he hate doing it. Just give up. If you keep arguing with him, then maybe deep down there is a root issue and you are just trying to use an excuse to argue with him.
Apr 02, 2008 @ 12:27 am
Bubblybunny

I think it happens to everyone

I can give you an exact count of what my hubby and I fight about all the time. We don't fight a lot but whenever we do, it's ALWAYS over the same stupid things!!

We are fairly easy going people and we've slowly adopted the approach that sometimes, it's just easier to do it yourself (if you can) than to try and get the other person to do it. Weight your pros and cons: If it takes 3 weeks of nagging to do this task whereas it'll only take you 1 hour to do it yourself, it's just easier to do it yourself and save yourself the trouble and frustration.

One thing I've tried to get my hubby to do what I ask is to offer to do it together, even if he does 80% of the work and you only do 20%. Having you around will help motivate him to do the task (but don't nag while you are doing the task with him). My hubby sometimes needs a little push b/c he doesn't like doing things by himself. Whenever I offer to do it with him, he gets to the task right away and he gets most of it done by himself. When I asked him why he needs me around to do this, he says he just like my company and he likes spending time with me.

Next time when you get frustrated with him, think about this before you get upset with him: When was the last time he asked you to do something for him and you kept putting off the task? I do this often, to remind myself that while my hubby drives me crazy by procrastinating, I also drive him bonkers b/c I'm the exact same way when it comes to doing stuff I deem unimportant. No one is perfect and if you are together with someone, the chances are, you two are a lot more alike than you think. Always keep in mind that what you consider important may not be the same for him.

Also, another thing to try is not to force him to make promises you KNOW he can't keep. For example, if you know he will never put away the dishes, don't make him promise to do it. You can ask him over and over again to do it without making him promise you anything. Save the promises for something important...like promise to take you out to dinner on Friday night or go on a shopping trip.

I don't know if any of these suggestions will help...but I find in the end, when you are mad at the guy, you are the one who's suffering, not him. Half of the time, he doesn't even know you are mad or why you are mad. So why get yourself all worked up over something you can't control? He is who he is and you can't change him...so find a way to work around each other's personalities!

Apr 02, 2008 @ 09:08 am
MizzRobin

I agree and disagree

I completely disagree with Hunter_Jc...giving up is NOT a good answer. A new creative approach may be in order but giving up will not help the situation and could just cause you to get resentful that you are not being heard. Bubblybunny gives some good practical advice... :o)
Apr 03, 2008 @ 10:22 am
Ali de Bold

I agree

BB's advice is really good and thoughtful. I agree with MizzRobin that if you just say, "oh forget about it" you will only be resentful and then freak out over something small down the road.
Apr 03, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
mamaluv

a kernel of truth

I think there is a kernel of truth in hunter's comment, in that you can't force someone to do something or change a habit. That is up to the individual to WANT to change, and the best change is when he/she wants to change their behavior for their own sake, not yours. If you harangue him into doing a task, he will resent you just as you resent him for having procrastinated and make you nag. It's a crappy cycle to get into.

Having said that, it is usually not constructive for either person to just give up. Find new ways of revisiting the topic that are more positive and helpful, rather than nagging, begging, or pleading. If you think about it, a negative tactic brings you into a position of weakness as you are relying on the force of your tears or anger to sway someone into doing as you ask. I like BB's suggestion of finding a way to cooperate on a task - and with the added benefit of not making you look like a screeching harridan, which is never attractive or beneficial in the long term.
Apr 05, 2008 @ 03:04 pm
ourlittlefamily

It is tough...

..I think it is tough because you do have a shared history and past experiences etc. and that can might fighting difficult when you find yourself fighting over the "same old things".

I don't just walk away but I have learned to be more flexible over the years and work on compromising. And I know my partner has as well.

There is a great old military phrase that they used to tell soldiers when they went into battle: "Is this the hill I'm willing to die on?"

If it is that "hill" and you feel that strongly about it then, by all means, express your opinion. But if, in the larger schema of the world, it doesn't really matter (and he's just left the toiletseat up for the zillionth time or is playing World Of Warcraft AGAIN) then just let it be because it really doesn't matter all that much and isn't worth fighting about anyway.

(Now just to remember that myself when I get all worked up about the same old thing.... *l*)
Apr 12, 2008 @ 12:39 am
Anonymous

Thanks!

Thanks for the great advice everyone! "Is this the hill I'm willing to die on?" Haha! I like that.
Apr 16, 2008 @ 09:34 am
ourlittlefamily

Should take my own advice!

Probably good that I read my own advice again....though not soon enough....as we just had a blowout and now I can't even figure out how it got started....Guess I should have picked out that it wasn't my "hill"....*lol*
May 09, 2008 @ 07:23 pm

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