Aleria
This might be a long post…but I guess I should give some history first.
I have been with my husband (married for 7 months) for 4 years now. He wasn’t very happy when I told him I was waiting until marriage for sex and originally tried to pressure me into it saying he’d dump me after 3 months if I haven’t given it up by then. Well, I didn’t, but he stayed with me…
I know he watched porn and he didn’t try to hide it. I told him I disagreed with pornography and that I believed it to be degrading to both men and women. He agreed, but said since he wasn’t getting it from me; he needed something, but that he did believe it didn’t belong in a marriage. He said he would try to stop and since we didn’t live together I couldn’t really see if he was watching it or not. But he did agree that it didn’t belong in a marriage and the further our relationship progressed, he began to agree with me about pornography.
We had a couple hiccups in our relationship, mainly that 2 weeks in, he messed up with his ex-girlfriend, said they went from talking about me and her new guy to making out and him getting a BJ. But he said he stopped it before he came and told her to leave. So we worked through that and I forgave him because I was in college 5 hours away and he was so distraught over it that I was sure he was truly sorry about what happened. He also claims that a cheater is the worst thing in the world to him because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him a couple times.
A little tidbit here: My husband has a foot fetish too.
So anyway, time goes on and he starts talking to this girl online that he had sex with once, I didn’t know anything about this but while at his house one day, I wanted to look at a picture he took of me and he refused to let me see his phone, I finally got it from him and saw that right next to the picture of me, there’s a picture of some girl’s feet that are definitely not mine. So I confronted him about it and he said that it’s a girl that he was talking to online and she sent him a message via phone with that picture and he “accidentally” saved it. He apologized and said that he should have just deleted the message, but he hasn’t seen this girl in years and he just started talking to her again.
Well, out to lunch with his mother one day I find out this isn’t true. This is about a week later and he slipped up that where we were eating he had been to last month with his friend Sarah. When I asked him if this was the same Sarah, he said yes and so I said he told me he hadn’t seen her in years and that he hadn’t talked to her and he told me that he didn’t say anything because it slipped his mind and then he didn’t want to tell me because I’d get mad.
Next, he shows up at my house at 1 in the morning, wakes me up and says he needs to talk to me. He says he screwed up and that he was lonely and met up with Sarah. He didn’t think it would be a problem and he didn’t want to bother me because I would be asleep. So he went to her house and they were talking and she started flirting and he started flirting back and he says they didn’t kiss or anything, but that he cuddled with her a little bit and then saw what he was doing and took off. I made him promise me that he would stop talking to her and would never see her again and he did and apologized.
Well, then he started IMing her again and he met up with her again and then he apologized again and then he did it once more all over again. He said he thought she understood that they could ONLY be friends and nothing more and thought that she had changed…twice.
So we got through this too—this was about 2 years into our relationship--and we got married. As far as I could tell, he hadn’t screwed up at all in a year and a half and so I thought he was done and had learned. Two months into our marriage I came home to find him giving a foot massage to my best friend (says her feet were hurting and he just up and offered) and I found text messages on his phone between him and his ex-girlfriend and him and another woman that he’d never met nor that I knew (later found out it was his co-worker’s ex-girlfriend) that were extremely inappropriate. Mainly, again, they concerned his foot fetish. His ex knew about it and was sending him pictures of her feet in socks, stockings and so on and this other girl was also sending pictures of her feet at his insistence.
Some of his text messages were definitely inappropriate, in one he asked her to send him a voice message of her socks and things she’d do with them. In one, his ex sent him a video of her and her feet. He would ask them for pictures—and never ask me—and if he hadn’t gotten one in a while, he’d send them a message asking why. There was also some major flirting going on between him and his ex, whom were meeting up sometimes (without me usually), and whenever I did go I felt like the third wheel instead of the wife.
So I confronted him again, broke down crying and asking him what I had done wrong. He apologized again and said he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt me. He thought it was just some innocent flirting, but that it got out of control and he promised that he never cheated on me, but I consider this cheating…its certainly emotional cheating at the least. He also admitted that giving my best friend foot massages was definitely inappropriate and that he wouldn’t do it anymore (and she says he hasn’t either) and he promised to stop talking to both of these women and to never meet up with his ex ever again.
Two days later, I see he’s talking to his ex again. When I asked, he said that he figured that they could still talk as long as they didn’t meet up and he stuck to harmless topics (how’s the weather, how’s work, how’s life and so on). I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t want to fight again and so I told him I was uncomfortable with it, but as long as he didn’t start flirting again.
About two months later, he slips up again and told me that when he went to the mall one day, it wasn’t just to return these jeans; he also went there to meet his ex because he wanted to hang out and she had off. This is four months in…I was mad and hurt and I told him that he promised me he’d never talk to her again and he’d promised me he’d never see her again. I allowed the talking, but he wasn’t supposed to meet up with her ever again. When I asked why, he said he didn’t tell me because he knew I’d be mad and that I wouldn’t allow it.
I’m trying to make this marriage work and I certainly don’t want to divorce him before our first year is even up, but I’m getting to the point where I don’t think I can stay. I noticed about a two months ago that he was looking at porn again, even though he told me he wouldn’t in our marriage (especially now that he gets sex) and so because I wanted to know just how much he was looking at it, I put a web- watcher program on his laptop. Two days ago, he asked me if he could meet up with an old friend, a woman, who was married and that he used to work with. I asked if he had a past with her and he said that they messed around a few times, but never had sex and never dated. I told him I wasn’t completely comfortable with it, but that since I’m trying to trust him, I told him it was okay.
I got suspicious because I saw the word “foot” come up a few times in their talk when I would look over at his screen. He started acting weird because he started minimizing the screen and typing a response when I was looking at the TV or when I stepped out of the room (I was sitting right next to him on the couch). So I got on my web-watching program the next day and got to see most of their conversation and I am now extremely upset. After everything and my major breakdown and me almost leaving him, I see that he’s flirting with this MARRIED woman and saying that he’d love to give her a foot rub and when she said no because it would be inappropriate, he responded by saying it wasn’t (which he knows it is). He kept pressing about it and when she asked why, he said that it’s because she always wears cute socks and that he loves to give foot massages to his friends. Then he said he wanted to see her drunk because she’s “fun” drunk and even offered to drive her home (45 minutes away) if she got drunk. He concluded their conversation by saying he’d really love to give her a foot massage and that she should remember just how good he is at it *wink*.
Then I see that he also messaged his ex-girlfriend (the one we got into a fight over) and he’s asking her what she’s wearing and if she’s wearing socks or stockings. Then says she should be wearing stockings and then says she needs to have her feet massaged. I didn’t get to see the rest of that conversation… But I’m really upset and confused and I don’t know what to do. I see this as cheating because even if you aren’t looking to go any further, you are showing interest and intent in someone other than your partner/spouse. It’s at least emotional cheating.
And for the record, the last time I got a foot massage was about a month and a half ago. And even then, he doesn’t offer. I have to ask him a couple times and I usually get this half-assed massage if I get anything at all. He doesn’t ask me for pictures or for anything really…but he’s asking other women for it and he’s flirting with them. The night he went out with his friend, I got dressed up, shaved, nice lingerie, painted my nails, put on makeup and perfume and when he got home (9pm) he was like “wow! You look great” and gave me all these compliments, but then nothing. He sat down, got on the computer and told me that I looked sexy, but I couldn’t get him turned on enough to have sex. I even told him that I wanted to (as if how I was dressed didn’t already say that) and he said okay, but the way he sounded made it sound like having sex with his wife was a chore. So I tried for about a half hour to get his attention and everything, but nothing…so I finally went to bed alone.
Am I being too hard on him or not? I really consider this cheating, emotional cheating at least, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve given him chance after chance and he always says “never again”, but his track record speaks differently. Also, I caught him once (about 2 months in right before my break down) looking at porn and he apologized, said it was wrong of him and promised never to do it again…and he did again. I tried stepping up my game and shaving more, wearing stockings, sending pictures and pretty much doing whatever he wanted me to and instead of looking at porn less, he’s looking at it more and then he starts flirting with these girls.
Any advice?
This might be a long post…but I guess I should give some history first.
I have been with my husband (married for 7 months) for 4 years now. He wasn’t very happy when I told him I was waiting until marriage for sex and originally tried to pressure me into it saying he’d dump me after 3 months if I haven’t given it up by then. Well, I didn’t, but he stayed with me…
I know he watched porn and he didn’t try to hide it. I told him I disagreed with pornography and that I believed it to be degrading to both men and women. He agreed, but said since he wasn’t getting it from me; he needed something, but that he did believe it didn’t belong in a marriage. He said he would try to stop and since we didn’t live together I couldn’t really see if he was watching it or not. But he did agree that it didn’t belong in a marriage and the further our relationship progressed, he began to agree with me about pornography.
We had a couple hiccups in our relationship, mainly that 2 weeks in, he messed up with his ex-girlfriend, said they went from talking about me and her new guy to making out and him getting a BJ. But he said he stopped it before he came and told her to leave. So we worked through that and I forgave him because I was in college 5 hours away and he was so distraught over it that I was sure he was truly sorry about what happened. He also claims that a cheater is the worst thing in the world to him because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him a couple times.
A little tidbit here: My husband has a foot fetish too.
So anyway, time goes on and he starts talking to this girl online that he had sex with once, I didn’t know anything about this but while at his house one day, I wanted to look at a picture he took of me and he refused to let me see his phone, I finally got it from him and saw that right next to the picture of me, there’s a picture of some girl’s feet that are definitely not mine. So I confronted him about it and he said that it’s a girl that he was talking to online and she sent him a message via phone with that picture and he “accidentally” saved it. He apologized and said that he should have just deleted the message, but he hasn’t seen this girl in years and he just started talking to her again.
Well, out to lunch with his mother one day I find out this isn’t true. This is about a week later and he slipped up that where we were eating he had been to last month with his friend Sarah. When I asked him if this was the same Sarah, he said yes and so I said he told me he hadn’t seen her in years and that he hadn’t talked to her and he told me that he didn’t say anything because it slipped his mind and then he didn’t want to tell me because I’d get mad.
Next, he shows up at my house at 1 in the morning, wakes me up and says he needs to talk to me. He says he screwed up and that he was lonely and met up with Sarah. He didn’t think it would be a problem and he didn’t want to bother me because I would be asleep. So he went to her house and they were talking and she started flirting and he started flirting back and he says they didn’t kiss or anything, but that he cuddled with her a little bit and then saw what he was doing and took off. I made him promise me that he would stop talking to her and would never see her again and he did and apologized.
Well, then he started IMing her again and he met up with her again and then he apologized again and then he did it once more all over again. He said he thought she understood that they could ONLY be friends and nothing more and thought that she had changed…twice.
So we got through this too—this was about 2 years into our relationship--and we got married. As far as I could tell, he hadn’t screwed up at all in a year and a half and so I thought he was done and had learned. Two months into our marriage I came home to find him giving a foot massage to my best friend (says her feet were hurting and he just up and offered) and I found text messages on his phone between him and his ex-girlfriend and him and another woman that he’d never met nor that I knew (later found out it was his co-worker’s ex-girlfriend) that were extremely inappropriate. Mainly, again, they concerned his foot fetish. His ex knew about it and was sending him pictures of her feet in socks, stockings and so on and this other girl was also sending pictures of her feet at his insistence.
Some of his text messages were definitely inappropriate, in one he asked her to send him a voice message of her socks and things she’d do with them. In one, his ex sent him a video of her and her feet. He would ask them for pictures—and never ask me—and if he hadn’t gotten one in a while, he’d send them a message asking why. There was also some major flirting going on between him and his ex, whom were meeting up sometimes (without me usually), and whenever I did go I felt like the third wheel instead of the wife.
So I confronted him again, broke down crying and asking him what I had done wrong. He apologized again and said he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt me. He thought it was just some innocent flirting, but that it got out of control and he promised that he never cheated on me, but I consider this cheating…its certainly emotional cheating at the least. He also admitted that giving my best friend foot massages was definitely inappropriate and that he wouldn’t do it anymore (and she says he hasn’t either) and he promised to stop talking to both of these women and to never meet up with his ex ever again.
Two days later, I see he’s talking to his ex again. When I asked, he said that he figured that they could still talk as long as they didn’t meet up and he stuck to harmless topics (how’s the weather, how’s work, how’s life and so on). I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t want to fight again and so I told him I was uncomfortable with it, but as long as he didn’t start flirting again.
About two months later, he slips up again and told me that when he went to the mall one day, it wasn’t just to return these jeans; he also went there to meet his ex because he wanted to hang out and she had off. This is four months in…I was mad and hurt and I told him that he promised me he’d never talk to her again and he’d promised me he’d never see her again. I allowed the talking, but he wasn’t supposed to meet up with her ever again. When I asked why, he said he didn’t tell me because he knew I’d be mad and that I wouldn’t allow it.
I’m trying to make this marriage work and I certainly don’t want to divorce him before our first year is even up, but I’m getting to the point where I don’t think I can stay. I noticed about a two months ago that he was looking at porn again, even though he told me he wouldn’t in our marriage (especially now that he gets sex) and so because I wanted to know just how much he was looking at it, I put a web- watcher program on his laptop. Two days ago, he asked me if he could meet up with an old friend, a woman, who was married and that he used to work with. I asked if he had a past with her and he said that they messed around a few times, but never had sex and never dated. I told him I wasn’t completely comfortable with it, but that since I’m trying to trust him, I told him it was okay.
I got suspicious because I saw the word “foot” come up a few times in their talk when I would look over at his screen. He started acting weird because he started minimizing the screen and typing a response when I was looking at the TV or when I stepped out of the room (I was sitting right next to him on the couch). So I got on my web-watching program the next day and got to see most of their conversation and I am now extremely upset. After everything and my major breakdown and me almost leaving him, I see that he’s flirting with this MARRIED woman and saying that he’d love to give her a foot rub and when she said no because it would be inappropriate, he responded by saying it wasn’t (which he knows it is). He kept pressing about it and when she asked why, he said that it’s because she always wears cute socks and that he loves to give foot massages to his friends. Then he said he wanted to see her drunk because she’s “fun” drunk and even offered to drive her home (45 minutes away) if she got drunk. He concluded their conversation by saying he’d really love to give her a foot massage and that she should remember just how good he is at it *wink*.
Then I see that he also messaged his ex-girlfriend (the one we got into a fight over) and he’s asking her what she’s wearing and if she’s wearing socks or stockings. Then says she should be wearing stockings and then says she needs to have her feet massaged. I didn’t get to see the rest of that conversation… But I’m really upset and confused and I don’t know what to do. I see this as cheating because even if you aren’t looking to go any further, you are showing interest and intent in someone other than your partner/spouse. It’s at least emotional cheating.
And for the record, the last time I got a foot massage was about a month and a half ago. And even then, he doesn’t offer. I have to ask him a couple times and I usually get this half-assed massage if I get anything at all. He doesn’t ask me for pictures or for anything really…but he’s asking other women for it and he’s flirting with them. The night he went out with his friend, I got dressed up, shaved, nice lingerie, painted my nails, put on makeup and perfume and when he got home (9pm) he was like “wow! You look great” and gave me all these compliments, but then nothing. He sat down, got on the computer and told me that I looked sexy, but I couldn’t get him turned on enough to have sex. I even told him that I wanted to (as if how I was dressed didn’t already say that) and he said okay, but the way he sounded made it sound like having sex with his wife was a chore. So I tried for about a half hour to get his attention and everything, but nothing…so I finally went to bed alone.
Am I being too hard on him or not? I really consider this cheating, emotional cheating at least, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve given him chance after chance and he always says “never again”, but his track record speaks differently. Also, I caught him once (about 2 months in right before my break down) looking at porn and he apologized, said it was wrong of him and promised never to do it again…and he did again. I tried stepping up my game and shaving more, wearing stockings, sending pictures and pretty much doing whatever he wanted me to and instead of looking at porn less, he’s looking at it more and then he starts flirting with these girls.
Any advice?
Jul 16, 2009 @ 01:03 pm
