Domestic Violence.. Can it be Forgiven if it's promised it will never happen again?

pastrychefchick

I am completely against domestic violence, I myself have been in a bad situation from which I am still struggling to recover mentally. I was at Barnes and Nobles today and I never listen to other people's conversations, but I did this time. A young woman and her friend (they had to be in their mid twenties) were talking about one of their boyfriends. She was upset that he slapped her on one occasion, and on several other occasions he had grabbed her so bad he left bruises on her arms. Her friend was telling her that this was unacceptable and that she needed to leave and get help, and all I kept hearing the other girl say was "he promised it will never happen again, he said he had a moment where he made a huge error in judgement,but it will never happen again" I myself got a little upset because I know how it feels to be in a situation such as this and I know how it feels to think he might have just made a mistake, part of me believes him when he says it will never happen again. I eventually realized it was wrong, he shouldn't have even done it once even if he never does it again, do I really want to gamble on that? I def do not, so I left. I felt bad for this girl, but did not want to get involved, part of me wishes I did, but I didn't. After hearing this conversation, I was in shock in what some of my friends opinions were when I brought the matter to them. Some of them said he might change for that girl, maybe he really didn't mean to do that to her. My opinion is how can a man bring his self to even do it once? That to me is unforgivable, I think about my situation when I give my opinion, even if he really never were to touch me again, I don't think I would ever be able to forget it, and I would forever feel like an idiot for being with a man that once felt it was alright to hit me. I would forever be afraid that something might trigger him again, and I don't want to live like that.
   So my question is, what is your opinion? Do you think it's alright to stay with someone who has put their hands on you? Would you forgive someone for putting their hands on you and stay with them if they promised it would never happen again? It's very sad and I wish women didn't forgive it so easily like I did because you never know what can happen, what he might do next time and is it really worth it? I was surprised when I heard how many of my friends would give their partner another chance if he hit them, I've been there and it didn't chance sure it was alright for a while but then it happened again. I wish they knew and took it seriously. Thanks for your opinions ladies!                              

Anonymous

Such a fine line...

As much as I would love to be able to flat out say that domestic violence should never be forgiven, that would make me a hypocrite. Several years ago, I was in a relationship in which my boyfriend and I got into an argument. I wanted to leave to get my mind together, but he grabbed me by the arms (bruising me) and tried to make me stay. I didn't take too kindly to this. Even though I was able to free myself from his grip, I was still so angered that I punched him in the face and unfortunately broke his nose. Neither what he or I did was right, but we both felt so genuienly horrible for our actions that we apologized repeatedly and were in shock at what we had done. I remained with him for several more years - incident free - until we split for other reasons.

I realize my situation is a bit different than typical, since both of us commited the 'violence' (albeit only once) but we were both so very wrong. In our situation, things were able to be worked out. That is why I find it hard to issue a blanket statement that any domestic violence should result in leaving someone. I really think that in times it depends on the situation and the degree of 'violence'...

P.S.~ In the case of what was overheard by pastrychefchick, I feel that that female should remove herself from the relationship asap. His 'promises' to never do it again are obviously lies and she should not wait for his actions to escalate to a point where she may not have the option to leave.

TigerLilly

I can see their side

I've never been in a situation like this before but I can see the side of the girl(s). In some cases the girl really cares about the guy, is probably very dependent on him, might have low self-esteem. Some girls stay in a relationship like that because they're too scared to get out, don't know how to get out, don't know what they'll do once they get out.

If I was in a situation like that, what I would do would depend on the guy I'm with. If I wasn't with him very long, I'd probably break up immediately. If I was with him for awhile, I'd probably give him another chance. I'm a big believer in second chances. We all make mistakes (though this is a huge one). I've made mistakes before, big ones, and I wouldn't do it again. If it happened again though, then I'd be out.

MissJudy

beware of the double standard

I think that it's "easy" to often blame a guy for his actions and call them unforgivable. But when it's the woman who is maybe not hitting but constantly b*tching at and humiliating the man, which is emotionally abusive, would we say that this is forgivable? Maybe yes.

I don't in any way condone violence by men OR women (and some women do slap their guys around some, let's not forget), but it can be too easy to say he's a jerk and cut him loose for one hit, when with her we might say "he made her so angry/he was being stupid, so he deserved it (eg. some other form of abuse)".

Maybe if it was just the one time and they both tried to get some help, they could move past it. If it's a pattern then I'd say she's better off leaving.

mamaluv

Such a tough call

I agree with many of the points raised here, especially if the couple seeks help. I think many sins are forgivable under the right circumstances.

However, depending on the situation, once is more than enough reason to walk.

ngill

Not Worth the Risk

My best friend was in an abusive relationship for about a year, and she kept it a secret from everyone. The only reason I started to question the way he treated her was because she was pushing me out of her life. We've known each other since we were 5, and I couldn't understand why she suddenly decided she didn't want me around anymore. She forgave him over and over again, and meanwhile we had no idea how bad the situation was getting.

Before you decide to forgive him or not, try to find out why he thought it was ok to strike you. In this case, we found out that his father had abused his mother all throughout his childhood. It's the cycle of violence, and if it's present in his life, he will most definitely do it again no matter how many times he promises not to. He would need to seek professional help to stop himself from reacting with violence.

And remember that there is nothing that you could've done that would've justified him hitting you. Absolutely nothing! And if you want to help him deal with his issues, the best thing you can do is walk away and force him to see that he has a problem. Otherwise, he'll never change.

Bren

No

pastrychefchick:Ive have been there and embarrassed to say I was married 10 years and living that life.Good for you that you got out.I did the whole forgiving him over and over and hearing that he was going to change and he never did,Hes remarried and that cycle of abuse still continues with his wife now.He went for counseling that did not help him.I just believe it would be a very small percentage of men that could change.I'm so happy I got out and now in a healthy relationship that took many years to start all over again...Most women do keep it a secret.Also I do realize there are woman that abuse men as well.My thought is NO its not acceptable to be with anyone or around anyone thats lays a hand on you.

Schmoopie

Violence is never the answer

Thankfully, I've never been involved in a violent relationship but I do feel for all the men, women and children who suffer from the effects of domestic violence. It's so hard to get out of these relationships when you are in the thick of it and are so isolated and (literally) beaten down. The cycle of violence is difficult to break but by being aware of it and trying to bring it to light, you are already doing something positive to help stop the cycle.

I get quite angry when I see the way people always joke about men being beaten on by women. In our society it seems very emasculating to admit that your female partner is beating you but obviously it's just as serious as violence against women and nobody jokes or laughs about that. It's a very serious and dangerous double standard that I really think has to stop.

I can't really say what I would do if I was suddenly involved in a domestic violence dispute. If someone hit me, I might give them a second chance depending on the situation but I wouldn't give any more chances after that. Flowery promises and gifts would not cut it with me, out you would have to go! And I would expect to be thrown out too if it was me who was violent- same crime, same punishment.

mamaluv

Agree with schmoopie

I think you made a great point, and I almost want to take it one step further - violence against women has received so much attention that the stigma for reporting is fading away. More and more women are having the guts to come forward and hold their partners accountable, and the justice system and aid agencies are ready to help.

Violence against men or male rape (by women) is often met with bemused incredulity - "she weighs 60 pounds less than him, how can that be possible?" And yet it is possible, because those men are either too respectful to fight back with full force or restrained in some way (either physically or have been so emotionally emasculated they are incapable). I think it's an even bigger problem than violence against women - NOT in the seriousness of the crime, but rather in the stigma and the lack of support for those who suffer it.

Anonymous

im the one who messed up

I'm reading a lot of these posts because i did just get physical with my..well as of right now..ex fiance. I'm reading these to find out of she will ever be able to forgive me. We got into an argument and she started to go and toss some of my things out and in stopping her it got a little out of hand. Provoked or Unprovoked, I feel terrible. She is talking about maybe needing counseling how I crushed her dignity. I love her with all of my heart and most of you may say she will never forgive me, but I'm still holding out hope. I have replayed the incident over and over again every day since it happened. I can't sleep at night. I honestly believe that us getting involved in church and getting closer to god will help. I know the decision is supposed to be all hers, but she is afraid of looking stupid to her family if I ever messed up again. Women...Is there ANYTHING I can say or do to get her to forgive me and take me back. I really need some advice because this has been tearing away at me for days now. I love this girl and want to marry and have a family with her. She is the most amazing person on this planet in my eyes. Just thinking that I might have messed with another persons head and scared them so much they need counseling makes me sick and angry at myself. I've already asked god to forgive me. I've asked her dad and her friends to forgive me. I even asked my mom to forgive me. I can't take this anymore. My name is Kevin and I'm 25. I know how I feel now and just knowing this feeling is reason enough to never even let anything close to this happen again. What do I do?????

Anonymous

I don't know what to do!

Me and my man have been together for two years and recently we got in a drunk fight. He hates when I drink and I feel like he always picks a fight but he always tries to convience me that its all my fault and that I was drunk and start the fight we fight often when we drink. Anyways he's never touched me in the past, but this last fight go physical and when I tried to leave he chased me chocking me and covering my mouth he dragged me back to the house.. Someone called the cops and he was arrested and charged with domestic violence. He got all of his belongings out of our house. I haven't spoke to him since but he wants to talk. I love him but I don't know if I can overlook this. I feel like its my fault in a way. This whole situation is so shocking and upsetting I don't know what to do, to say, or what to think. I cant sleep or eat I am deeply sad I really loved him. This has never happened before. I know he truly loves me and he's not a bad person. I feel I pushed him to this!