I hate my soon to be brother inlaw.. what do i do?

Anonymous


I hate my boyfriends brother.. I've tried tolerating him. but i just can't do it anymore.. what do i do??

my reasoning might not be the best one, I just can't stand the guy, he expects the world to be handed to him and when something doesn't go his way he throws this hugh fit trying to make everyone around him feel sorry for him. he takes and takes, but when you ask him for a favor he never sticks around long enough to follow through with it plus i feel he takes advantage of my guy and doesn't treat him with the respect he deseves..
an example he came over for the night but we needed to support him for that night he stayed.. then my guy asked him to clean out the car(on my guys birthday) and all of a sudden he(the brother) has to get home.. its so important he leaves..

Well i try to be nice to him when he is around, i dont give him dirty looks i talk to him, i offer him drinks, i make sure he's got everything he needs if he is staying the night, i laugh at his crappy jokes and what not..

well today he(the brother) whats to go for a trip to our home town.. my guy needs to drive him.. the brothers covering the gas.. I want to go. so i start making arrangements for me to stay at a friends house when we get there, so they can still chill and have there brother time when they get there.. well.. he stated he doesn't want to go if i go.. saying he doesn't want to spend 4 hours in a car with someone who hates him.. which is understand if i was rude to him when we where around each other and what not.. but its my car too.. :@ point being said.. im home alone while they are gone on their trip.. I said fine i won't go, cause my guy really wanted to go and we couldn't afford to pay for ourselfs to go.. brother got what he wanted again cause he through one of his little tantrums.. me.. i feel like well im pissed off for one, and its sucks being left out uninvited to go.. when i would of loved to see my family and friends.. but because he was paying.. well so i got mad.. told my guy i don't want him at the house any more.. i don't want him anywhere near me.. i don't want to talk to him, nor do i want to see him..

im putting my guy in the middle of me and his brother.. i feel bad.. but i don't know what to do.. I love him, but i can't be around his brother.. what do i do?? how do i fix this? am i being wrong for hating on him just cause i can't stand how he acts? when he never really did anything to me before today..

please help

Ali de Bold

Tough

This is a hard one. You can't tell your boyfriend that his brother isn't welcome. It's too much to ask. He may be taking advantage and selfish, etc but you can't keep them from spending time together.

Does your boyfriend agree with your point of view about his brother? If so, has he tried talking to him about it? If he agrees with you, it's really up to him to set boundaries with his brother. If he is selfish as you say, it would actually be good for him if your boyfriend could tell him some of these things so he has the opportunity to improve himself.

As for your relationship with the brother: He certainly sounds difficult to get along with but have you tried to do anything on your end to make things better? He obviously knows how you feel about him. Just because you aren't giving him cut-eye or saying rude things to him doesn't mean it isn't clear how you feel about him.

It's a very Canadian thing to be passive aggressive (isn't it?). You think as long as you are 'polite' and don't tell him what you really think about him you aren't to blame in any way.

Can you approach this situation from a different angle? Sometimes if you show kindness to someone that is unwarranted, it can diffuse things. You can be kind to him when he doesn't deserve it, but be honest with him as well. If you feel he is mooching, you and your boyfriend should tell him honestly and set your boundaries. If you both keep tolerating it (albeit while cursing under your breath), you aren't doing anything to help the situation.

Thoughts?

Anonymous

still lost



my guy feels i am being unfair because the brother hasn't out right and done anything to make me dislike him.. Its just his personality and how he expects the world from everyone.. well like i said before.. I can't stand him.. boyfriend knows.. agrees his brother is a di*K but says he's my brother.. which i understand.. but I don't want nothing to do with him... I guess maybe i am just jumping on hate, when i could learn to set bounderies.. but they don't do sh*t cause he'll just throw a fit about it, and play the poor me card.. and then my guy will prolly cave and give in anyways..

If i can't tell him his brother isn't welcome.. then what do i do?? after this recent incident i can't stand him even more.. maybe i am being petty it was just a little trip.. but would of loved to see my family and friends, it sucks being discluded.. especially when u are left alone in a city, where you have no one..finally get a chance to be near someone and its takin away because I didn't feel like arguing with the brother to be ok with me going.. (he was paying gas in our car)

Ali de Bold

That's the thing with family

I know it doesn't help you for me to say this but you can't choose your boyfriend's family any more than your own. I actually think it's great you have this weekend to yourself to clear your head and have some space from the situation. It's obviously taking up a lot of your head space so it needs to be resolved.

I hate to do this... I really hate to do this but I'm going to quote Dr. Phil (forgive me?) to say 'this relationship needs a hero'. I know it's a super cheesy line, but I think it applies here. Someone has to step up and be the bigger person. This can be done without allowing someone to walk all over you. Since he knows you hate him, what if you had an honest talk with him where you say you'd like to hit reset. Tell him you would like to improve the relationship and make more of an effort with him, but there are certain boundaries you need him to respect. Give him specific examples of what you mean.

I would talk to your boyfriend about what those boundaries should be first, so you can agree and enforce them together. Then your boyfriend has to stick to your agreement - even if the brother throws a fit. If it's just you alone being angry at the brother and your boyfriend isn't on board with the program, nothing will change and you'll either eventually give up and end the relationship, or your boyfriend will decide he can't handle the pressure between you and his brother and probably choose his brother.

Just my two cents.

Anonymous

appriiciate it


maybe i am being a baby. your right.. I can't choose his family.. unforinately.. :S I have no idea how he was born into such as ..anyways.. i will take your advice.. i'll let myself cool down.. and obviously i have to find away to work through this.. cause your right, i don't want things to end just cause of a spoiled guy i can't stand.. lol.. sorry still aggrivated..

but your right. I need to set bounderies and see if i can come to an understanding.. some how.. thanks for everything..

meredithk115

I needed to read this!

I also am in a family with a doorknob b-in-law. He either thinks the world should stop for him or he is completely oblivious. I am going to to go with the first answer.

Example: Chinese New Year is a HUGE deal for my in-laws. The 'family' dinner which we have every year was to be on a Friday. My in-laws are gracious enough to invite b-in-laws housemates. My other half and I arrived at 7:10pm-the dinner was supposed to start at 7. Everyone (minus b-in-law) and one housemate were there. The food was on the table.

b-in-law decided that he had to attend another 'party' from a past job. So we all sat around the table staring at the food until almost 8pm, when he decided to 'roll in'. I couldn't believe it. I was furious! The most important day AND he decided he just had to attend another party and inconvenience EVERYONE including his parents. rude, disrespectful, selfish and yes I can go on with many other adjectives.

Ali, I couldn't be 'the hero' that night-that's for sure. It was super obvious that I was ANGRY. I didn't come out and say anything to him but it was all over my face and he knew it.

It's true that you can't choose your family....and I do my best to deal. For me, it's better that I remove myself from the situation. I can't control his selfishness but I can choose whether I want to be present at an event! I do talk to my other half about whether events (like dinners) are important to his parents and in that case (out of respect), I do attend. However, my time is valuable to me and someone like my b-in-law has a different perspective that I do NOT share!

One other thing-is it just me or does it seem like brother-in-law in your situation is a teensy weensy bit jealous? Maybe it's that whole 'you are taking my brother away from me' thing?

meredithk115

oh p.s.

The food was stone cold. Ugh...makes my blood boil just thinking about it.

Anonymous

in the same boat


meredithk
That there sounds exactly like my inlaw.. his main concern is party get high and be around frinds.. who cares about what every one else wants...
I don't understand why you guys waited around for him tho.. should of just let him eat cold food on his own... Its not teaching him any respect at all..
how do you deal with someone like that?? how do you just ignore and try to like someone who just doesn't deserve it..

if only u can pick and choose their families huh.. lol

either case i am not ready to come up with a remedy for this disaster yet.. so maybe like you i plan on just takig myself out of the equation.. my guy can see his brother at his place and what not.. there is no need for me to do it right now.. i have to wait at least until I can no longer be angry at him.. I sat down last night and wrote the inlaw an email. to try and come up with a solution . but, its not very nice..so i didn't send it.. figured i need to wait until i am calm..

anywho my you have my greatest symathy.. i wish u luck. i know what ur going through..

meredithk115

Anon....right back at you!

I think we are lost souls!!!

It's not worth it to be angry-but I KNOW exactly what you mean. I have to take myself out of the picture until I can not 'lash out'! As for how to deal, at this point I just pick and choose the situations that I am in that also involve him. It makes me feel like I am the 'winner' because I have chosen to be in the situation.

I agree that we should have eaten without him-it's not like that dinner was the first time he has been late. If I was hosting we would've eaten and been finished already!

Anonymous

I feel uu

me and my boyfriends brother hage each other!! i neeedd helpp :( plz :
my boyfriend is 5 years younger than his brother , and here's the funny part, HE IS GOING OUT WITH MY SISTER!! but i just can't handle him ;
eg : when my grandpa died he came to the funeral , me and my sister where sitting next to each other , so, he came , said hy to alll of my family and sat next to my sister, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME and when he did he gave me that - bitch she's mine - look.
i just can't deal with him and he is bothering me alot and the thing is that i told my boyfriend what happened in the funeral he told me maybe he didn't see you and i was like of course he did even my cousins noticed! and my sister knows what i feel about him but she just doesn't listen...
Please i really couls use some advance!! thankss xx

DEANENE

Brother in Law

I'm not in that situation but, I feel so sorry for you Girls I can't imagine being in a situation like that it would be so frustrating when the Brother in Law is around to try and get along with him because of your boyfriend or husband being hi brother I think it would make me feel so upset and stressed out