Why 'Friends With Benefits' Doesn't Work

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Sunday February 7, 2010

Commitment is not up everyone’s alley, yet many yearn for the physical closeness of a relationship. “Friends with benefits”, or the open relationship, is common but tricky.

“A ‘friends with benefits’ relationship can be great for a person who wants all the physical components of a relationship with zero commitment,” says Kimberly Moffit, a Toronto-based relationship expert. “This means no requirement for dates, no birthday gifts and no meeting the parents.”

The downfall is that it's often unsustainable. Moffit says physical intimacy creates emotional attachment, especially for women.

Susan* was involved in a FWB with someone from her inner circle of friends. It went on for three years, in which she didn’t see anyone else. But when her man friend found a girlfriend, it ended.

“Unfortunately, by that time I had become too attached and in the end this hurt me a lot,” says Susan. “We did remain friends and it did not hurt our friendship but I went through some heartache.”

Four years later, their FWB is back on again. Susan says it’s been great, but plans on ending it.

“It’s very hard emotionally for me - I don't want to be ‘just a friend’,” Susan tells ChickAdvisor. “I need to be the one to get out first. I just need to find the strength to do it.”

These relationships are usually very tricky, because many are one-sided in terms of romantic feelings. Is it possible to have a strictly friends with benefits relationship with no strings attached?

“They often end up with one person heartbroken and feeling 'used,'” says Moffit. “It is dangerous territory to enter this type of relationship with the hope it will turn into something more.”

If you do have feelings toward a friend, try telling them how you feel instead of acting on your impulse to become physical. If they really like you they'll express their feelings back. If not, move on.

Have you ever had an open relationship? Was it a positive or negative experience?

by Sandy Caetano

*name changed to protect identity

See what ChickAdvisor members have said about this topic in the forums here.