It was like sitting on a hot car seat

Let me tell you about the time I almost died. It was my first day at the gym in a REALLY long time and my trainer decided to take his aggression out on my legs. As I laid down that night, I could feel the tightness and soreness of my upper and inside thighs. I mentioned it to my wife and she sprung up with enthusiasm out of bed. "I have this Arbonne gel that should help!" she said mid sprint to the bathroom to retrieve it. From what she described, it sounded like it would really work. And work, it did.
I flipped onto my stomach and I could feel her squeezing that toothpaste tube of liquid lava all over my legs. I giggled and told her "jeez, did ya put enough on there?!?!" knowing she had probably emptied the tube. She rubbed it into the back of my legs and my inner thighs. I immediately felt the sting and a warm sensation on my legs. "Wow, this is nice" I thought to myself. Little did I know how wrong I was.
As the seconds ticked by, my legs caught absolute fire. It was like I was on one of those metal slides at the park with no pants or underwear on sliding at 3,000mph in the Mojave desert. I thought "this stuff is aggressive, I'm sure it's just sinking in and will back off shortly. Nope! Wrong again. The flames spread from my inner thighs to my, um, "coin purse". I saw Jesus.
I told my wife that this wasn't right and she told me I was being a baby. I threw the blankets off my legs and the smoke bellowed out from under them. I went around the side of the bed, grabbed the tube and put it on the inside of her thighs to make sure it wasn't just me. Her only reply after all of this was done was "you didn't use near as much as I did".
At this point I wanted to preheat our kitchen oven to 475 degrees so I could crawl in there and cool off. My skin was red, which I figured was the last sign before it started melting off.
My wife had the idea that milk might calm the intensity. At this point I fought through the tears and laid face down on the bed. It felt like I had peed myself....but with lava. Lava pee. If that was a thing, this would be it.
So as I lay there, legs and giblets approaching sun-like temperatures, she starts applying milk to my legs with a soaked paper towel. I consider this point in my life to be "rock bottom". Here I am, a 41 year old man recieving a paper towel milk bath from my wife who overdosed this liquid fire product. I felt the milk stream trickle down my butt. I'm mortified. She's laughing. I don't care because I'm on fire and I need to start planning around how my life is going to function with no legs. She gets a part of the cream in her eye. Suddenly this is now a much bigger deal to her and the laughter is starting to subside. I get up and get in the shower. The water evaporates before it can even reach my legs. The rest of the night I slept on a towel and changed my underwear 3 times. I made it by the grace of God.